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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stay at home mum ,untidy house ,me time.

281 replies

bethjoanne · 03/10/2012 19:52

hi my husbands works all day and i am busy going to baby groups etc and looking after baby .husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in.ironing is mounting up and he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday .whos unreasonble?

OP posts:
AGoldenOrange · 03/10/2012 20:06

I'd be telling your not-so-dh to get to fuck!

Phineyj · 03/10/2012 20:06

I think if someone's cooking dinner for you every night, the wise recipient doesn't fuss too much about the exact quality of the meal as long as it's edible. I also think it's unreasonable for one partner to get 8 hours 'off' at the weekend if the other one doesn't -- a morning and afternoon each with the other day spent together would be more reasonable.

I do think the person at home does most of the cleaning up though, unless the out-to-work person is making ridiculous amounts of mess.

Personally, I don't iron as I consider it completely unnecessary...

MrsSchadenfreude · 03/10/2012 20:07

I work full time, clean the house, do the washing and shopping and cook everything from scratch. No reason why your DH can't too! Grin

Fairylea · 03/10/2012 20:08

Is the real issue here feeling unappreciated ? That would be enough to make anyone fed up. Could you leave the baby with him and go out for the day so he knows what its like ?

YouMayLogOut · 03/10/2012 20:11

YANBU. He works full time, you're a full time mum - not a full time cook/cleaner. So the housework should be divided between you.

fluffywhitekittens · 03/10/2012 20:11

Ceeveebee just out of interest do you think your house would be tidy and tea on the table every day if you didn't have a cleaner?

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 03/10/2012 20:11

Get up before him at the weekend.

Put baby in the room with him.

Leave a note saying you expect a clean house and a cooked dinner ready for you in 9 hours.

Go out.

Switch your phone off.

(and when you come home let us know so that we can hang around outside and earwig on the row!)

OK this is probably unreasonable, but when he is in the house does he do his share? Do you do absolutely nothing but babycare (in which case I think you might be a bit U), or is he ignoring the work that you are doing, and doing nothing himself?

Can you make a list of everything that needs doing, including all aspects of babycare, and put your name in one colour beside those which you do, and his name beside the others?

Then take everything off the list that could reasonably be a daytime job - and make sure you halve the rest between the two of you.

nancerama · 03/10/2012 20:12

How old is the baby? Having a newborn can be a bit of a shock to the system - it took a while for me to get used to it, but once you've fallen into a routine, it gets easier.

I set myself 1 housework task a day - Monday, ironing, Tuesday, deep clean kitchen, Wednesday, dust and vacuum living and dining rooms, Thursday, bathroom, Friday, change beds and dust and vacuum bedrooms. I put a wash load on first thing most days.

As for cooking, either make things that can bubble away all day or do things that can be whizzed together at the last minute. More complex dishes can be prepped in stages during the day. DS will sit in his high chair for 5 minutes or so at a time so I can chop an onion or peel spuds and so on. I them just do the actual cooking bit as DH gets in.

EugenesAxe · 03/10/2012 20:14

If it's just one baby, I'd broadly say you. However I think it's out of order to bugger off for 8 hours on a Sat; you should have time together as a family or divvy up 'me' time.

It's hard though... I used to spend a lot of time cooking for baby, as well as us, when I was SAHM with just one. I certainly didn't manage from scratch food for us every night; I batch cooked usually about 3-4 times a week. And you do go to a lot of things with your first! And even if you don't, you have to get out each day to remain sane and healthy.

Netguru · 03/10/2012 20:17

Flylady :)

BlueCanary · 03/10/2012 20:18

I always go by the policy that we should have the same amount of free time. I work pt and do most housework/cooking, however dh does all diy (lots of it) plus dcs bed & bath most nights.

But if he had the cheek to comment on what I have served for , he would be wearing it !

OP you need to find the middle ground between lazy & martyr/slave.....

ceeveebee · 03/10/2012 20:20

fluffy she only cleans 3 hours once a week, so yes I probably would. And OP is neither tidying, cooking or cleaning.

EugenesAxe · 03/10/2012 20:21

And don't iron! I used to and am a convert; with two babies it would have been a nightmare (I used to do all DC1's clothes, and muslins... haha).

My Mum gave me a good tip - turn down the spin to lowest or near lowest. Things won't crease so much in the machine then, and you can pull them out before hanging to dry. If you have an ancient machine this might be harder; most modern ones you can adjust set temp and spin rpm for each setting.

Charles Tyrhitt non-iron are good, as are M&S.

ChunkyPickle · 03/10/2012 20:26

Screw all of that. Just because I drew the straw that has me home with the baby doesn't mean I become a household skivvy.

If I want to make dinner, or I think the house needs hoovering, or there's washing to be done, or DP needs some kind of errand done as a favour and I have time then I do it. If I don't have time, or I don't want to then I don't (within hygiene limits - obviously sometimes something just has to be done!)

If either of us were living alone then we'd have to do our own cleaning/washing/cooking so we share those tasks based on who minds doing it the least.

We are a team, and just because one part of the team goes out for 10 hours a day and gets paid for it doesn't mean that the other part of the team has to do everything else.

susitwoshoes · 03/10/2012 20:32

a sling is a good idea. I think YANBU, I found it very hard being at home with DD when she was a baby and rarely managed to get anything done. In retrospect I think I may have had undiagnosed PND (DH is convinced of this) as I found it all such a struggle, when really DD was not a difficult child. Is that a possibilty for you?

But anyway, you are a full-time mum, not a housewife. When you were both working full time did you take it in turns to do housework and cooking? Then that's what you can do now. And if he's going to be so picky he can at least do all the non-supermarket shopping, or put up and shut up. Pasta, pizza, casserole, JPs and beans and be damned grateful for it.

Oh, and don't iron. The only ironing that gets done in our house is DH's work shirts, and he does them himself.

ceeveebee · 03/10/2012 20:35

I must just have very easy babies then, as I know that my days on mat leave were much much easier then my previous working days and my DHs working days. Going to playgroups, going out for coffee with NCT etc is hardly challenging work.

HardlyEverHoovers · 03/10/2012 20:37

I agree he should be a bit more chilled out about what he eats.

susitwoshoes · 03/10/2012 20:41

also, your DH goes out for 8 hours every Saturday??? 8 HOURS??? WTF is that all about??

ihearsounds · 03/10/2012 20:45

Sod the ironing. I haven't ironed for years. Just make sure the stuff is folded after it comes out of the drier or it is hung to dry.
He should be grateful about any food that comes his way, doesn't matter if its from the butcher or a pizza.
Cleaning you need to talk to him. You are not his parent to clean up after him. Just because you are at home doesn't mean that you should be doing everything. So what if he goes out to work.
But yabu for not doing a thing, and using going playgroup as an excuse. Get yourself organized. What you going to do once lo starts weaning?

MammaTJisWearingGold · 03/10/2012 20:45

I work 33 hours a week, go to college, do most of the school runs and still have a meal ready for when my DP gets home from work. Oh, and I am very lazy too.

We do do the lions share of the cleaning and tidying at the weekend together though, but then I am not a SAHM.

mollysmum82 · 03/10/2012 20:48

Haven't read the whole thread so others may have said this but it depends on the baby. Dd breastfed every half hour and wouldn't be put down so there was a limit to what I could do. Ds feeds every 3 hours and sleeps/gurgles happily in his chair the rest of the time so house could be spotless. So if you have a baby like dd yanbu.

HardlyEverHoovers · 03/10/2012 20:49

Just been reading the posts and thinking things over, there are clearly many different opinions about what being SAHM means, I suppose the key is that both parents have the same expectations. I can imagine it would be easy for this to go wrong. For example, you gave up work to literally 'look after the baby', whereas DH saw you leaving work as being a housewife in a more general sense. If you both worked and shared the housework before then you would feel a bit peeved by suddenly being expected to do it all. Perhaps you both feel you got the raw end of the deal in some way.

My DH and I have always had quite distinct roles, this is very useful in reducing disappointment and resentment. Perhaps if your DH is willing you could sit down and have a chat about exactly what you both expect and come to some compromises?

ShutTheFrontDoor · 03/10/2012 20:51

So glad I'm a single parent. I would have struggled to get a meal on the table every day when ds was tiny.
I thought I had done well if I managed to have a shower and switch the dishwasher on.
I thnk it is hard op, you also don't want to be stuck in all day.
I would do the slow cooker thing or meal plan for simple meals some days, bulk cook but also tell him you won't be cooking every day.

messtins · 03/10/2012 20:58

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to make an evening meal and to do some housework during the day. Surely the baby naps during the day at some point?
However, it is unreasonable to expect to disappear all day at the weekend. That should be time spent as a family or taking equal turns to have some "me" time.

Graciescotland · 03/10/2012 21:01

I have tea on the table for when DH comes home. DH also expects a pretty immaculate house, ironed shirts in wardrobe and so forth. It's his job to bring home the money. It's my job to manage children plus house.

Total 1950's attitude but it does work for us. I do have a cleaner, in 2 x 3hrs a week and if the ironing mounts up I'll take it to be done at dry cleaners. It's not necessary for me to do the work myself just to ensure it's done and to the appropriate standard.

The dinner thing is all in the prep, if you do the veg/ potatoes/ sauce earlier in the day or the day before (the same as in most restaurants) it takes no time to panfry salmon/ steak/ duck whilst you lay the table and plate up. The problem comes when your juggling three hot pans and everything is going to be ready at the exact same time and the baby is fractious, it needn't be stressful just get organised.