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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stay at home mum ,untidy house ,me time.

281 replies

bethjoanne · 03/10/2012 19:52

hi my husbands works all day and i am busy going to baby groups etc and looking after baby .husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in.ironing is mounting up and he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday .whos unreasonble?

OP posts:
scorpio1981 · 22/02/2017 08:16

Really? This is what you do all day? Look after baby and go to playgroups? For goodness sake. First get a playpen for baby so you can clean up and sort out mess. Then as already suggested, get a slow cooker for cheap cuts of meat and make stew/soup/curry or whatever but most of all, get yourself sorted then all you have to do is cook the rice/peel pots at the end of the day. And then when you've got everything in shape, book yourself a night/day out at a spa or something and tell your husband to take care of the baby. He does his bit; you do your bit. Its called marriage so start pulling your weight.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 22/02/2017 08:17

Your routine with a 4 month old sounds great, evensmiling

But it's not likely to help OP as the DC is now four and a half and presumably she'll be dealing with the requirements of the school day.

FuckeryOmbudsman · 22/02/2017 08:19

"Really? This is what you do all day? "

No, that would be what she did four and a half years ago.

The DC is school age now and I expect things have changed. Though as OO hasn't updated (zombie thread reanimated by spam) we don't know how she got on, and what if anything she'd want to post about now.

TurkeyDinosaurs · 22/02/2017 08:21

Wow, lots of stepford housewives on here! I go to groups and keep my babies occupied. I try and do as much housework as I can. But my husband never comments if I didn't manage to wash up one day! I also never cook for him as he likes to cook for himself (and me!)

redcaryellowcar · 22/02/2017 08:24

I could write your thread title, luckily my dh is more 'reasonable'. He is pleased if I've got supper ready for him, but there is probably one night a week when I don't. I try to make things everyone will eat, or pop something in the oven (he had crispy belly of pork with BBQ sauce yesterday) whilst I bath the dcs. I am a sahm and find 'doing it all' exhausting and especially if it's half term (one of mine is at school) it throws everything and the house is a tip! I'm not sure how old your baby is, but around 9m I managed to persuade mine to take a longer lunchtime nap, and I used to sort dinner out then, after having a sit down and a cup of tea.

e1y1 · 22/02/2017 08:25

You are, you're at home, so can do the lions share of the cleaning. That's not to say he shouldn't do anything, he can still help out. I work 60 hour weeks sometimes and still keep the whole house clean (grabs halo).

WarblingWail · 22/02/2017 08:26

Where does it say op is a SAHP and not on mat leave? If on paid mat leave, she is being paid to care for her baby, not skivvy for her husband.

I'm on mat leave, I mostly cook dinner, but I have an easy baby and once he's in bed at 6, I start dinner so when dh is home at 8 there's no messing about. If for whatever reason I haven't though, dh would never complain! I don't do proper housework, just daily jobs (bins, wipe down surfaces, quick Hoover etc). Proper housecleaning is split between us at the weekend. I'm not spending my precious maternity leave scrubbing toilets!

I would ignore about all these women who claim to do it all with 6 million children. It's 2017 you shouldn't have to take on all the 'wifework' by yourself. If your child was in nursery or at a childminder, how happy would your husband be if they strapped your kids into bouncers in front of the telly and ignored them to get on with domestic work?

ScrapThatThen · 22/02/2017 08:31

Wow, you are leaving the house and doing housework at 4 weeks? You are doing great.
You will get into a routine that suits you. Play/walks/baby groups for half the day, then domestic things (which includes babys need for play/naps/feeds/mat time) the other half of the day. Baby care and cooking meals, chores and washing up should be shared in the evenings and Weekends. As you are at home, the share might not be 50:50, but start expecting it now. And try to have a regular time when you go somewhere/take a break, even if you don't really feel you need to yet - establish the principal that you get breaks too.

53rdAndBird · 22/02/2017 08:36

If OP is still with this bloke now it's five years later, I do hope he's got his act together. Who the hell waltzes off with mates all day every Saturday and then complains that the partner home with a four-week-old isn't providing fancy enough meals? Jesus.

Userone1 · 22/02/2017 08:37

"Just got to your post where you say baby is 4 weeks old.
Where do you live so I can come round and kick him in the cock for you."

After 4 and a half years, and with no update from OP about her DC who is now school age, that seems excessive"

Just lol an excessive kick in the cock

GlacindaTheTroll · 22/02/2017 08:44

"If your child was in nursery or at a childminder,"

The DC is school age now.

OP cannot be on maternity leave after 4+ years.

MaryMorpho · 22/02/2017 08:46

When I was on mat leave I usually managed to cook, but that was it. I told exP looking after the baby was a job I was doing all day and it was hard work. That included taking the baby out to groups, weekly HV clinic and just meeting friends, because that was good for the baby and for me.

ExP didn't do much housework so... it didn't get done and the place was a tip. But I absolutely don't think it's the job of someone who is looking after small children to also keep on top of housework at the same time. Ideally you would do equal shares at evenings/weekends and get it done that way.

Yes absolutely if you choose to be a SAHM when your DC are in school, it's fair that you should fill that spare time with contributing to the household by looking after the house. That's an entirely different situation from looking after a baby, ESPECIALLY at 4 weeks.

Him going out at the weekend for 8-hour stretches is totally not on. That's when he should be giving you a break and doing his share of chores. Or if he must do that, then you get the same amount of time off too.

There's one good cure for your husband and that's to leave him with the baby and go out for the same amount of time he does - a full work day plus commuting time. Give him a list of chores and tell him you expect the chores done, a tidy house and tea on the table when you get back.

Of course harder if your baby is BF and I wouldn't do it at such a young age, but this is how to make him realise what it's like.

MaryMorpho · 22/02/2017 08:48

Bah.

1stTimeMama · 22/02/2017 08:52

I'm going for a 60/40 you're both being unreasonable split. We have the same set up, and I cook from scratch every night, and do everything else house wise, and have 4 children including a 5 month old. However, he could also be more understanding, and give you a break. My husband has taken over Sunday lunch which gives me a day off cooking, and I play a sport once a week which gets me out.

1stTimeMama · 22/02/2017 08:55

Aaaand I've just noticed the date of the OP. Note to self: read that first!

Looneytune253 · 22/02/2017 08:57

I'm a childminder (so work from home with 3 under 3s) and still manage to cook from scratch each night. Not for hubby's benefit but for everyone. We go to groups most days too. Usually prepare during a nap time and/or use slow cooker. Im not agreeing you should do all the work but ironing gets done on a weekend. Would defo address the issue of going out at weekend if its something you want to arrange for you too. Not saying he shouldnt but he should be willing to take turns or negotiate time for you too.

Userone1 · 22/02/2017 09:00

Thread is over 4 years old! Any cooking from scratch would be well and truly burnt by now!

CatsCantFlyFast · 22/02/2017 09:01

I think children (not at school) are a full time job;
Making and serving and helping them eat three meals a day plus snacks
Dressing/changing multiple times
Bath
Getting them to nap
Playing
Going to baby/toddler groups

All the above is probably 6-7 hours of a day minimum. Then you've got to add in getting yourself showered and dressed etc. It doesn't leave a lot of "free" time to do anything - I make/prep meals in ten/fifteen min blocks snatched here and there. I do online shopping while feeding the younger. One or two washes a day, in, dried and put away. Quick clean of the kitchen while dinner is eaten, my eldest helps me put toys away after bath. Beyond that I'm lucky if we get any other cleaning/tidying done (though I have a baby too so it means I'm not often hands free). We do proper cleaning on a weekend when my husband is here so one can entertain the children while one has some time spare

Munchkin556 · 22/02/2017 09:17

Looking after a baby is your full time job at the moment. He gets time off at the weekend, where is your free time?
Obviously it depends on the baby. I know for the first year, my DD screamed unless being held which made things practically impossible. I did however invest in a sling which meant I could at least run the Hoover round, wipe over kitchen/dust etc.
Maybe you need to discuss things..... If he comes home to cooked meal on the table then after the meal he needs to do bedtime whilst you get a bath in piece and quite?
It works both ways, my OH never would have 'expected' anything when he got home as he knew how demanding DD could be.

The80sweregreat · 22/02/2017 09:18

Buy meat from the supermarket and some of those thin sandwich bags, put the meat in those and tell him its from the local butchers.
go through the ironing pile and do a lot of folding and putting away.

tell him that being out all day saturday is too much, you need a compromise on this. He is being U about doing that every week. He needs to do his share at weekends. A slow cooker is a really good idea. can be put on in the morning and left on all day and you can buy veggies already done for you too. you need to talk to him about your both your expectations really.

VikingVolva · 22/02/2017 09:21

"Looking after a baby is your full time job at the moment."

No, it was her 'job' 4.5 years ago!

bigearsthethird · 22/02/2017 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VikingVolva · 22/02/2017 09:28

"you dont have to go to baby groups every day"

Definitely.

DC aged 4+ would find them utterly tedious!

Diggingmywayout · 22/02/2017 09:31

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

BUGGER.

MagicMoments22 · 22/02/2017 09:53

My husband the sahd would piss himself laughing if I said this to him. He quite kindly cooks most of the meals, I do some (generally at weekends) I do all of the cleaning/washing inside the house and he looks after LO most of the time and does all of the outside jobs. All discussed and agreed before marriage. Although can change (he did bins whilst I couldn't even go in the kitchen due to my super nose. Time for a discussion with your DH about division of labour.

Oh and I don't iron :D I laugh when he suggests this. He irons his own shirts