stay at home mum ,untidy house ,me time.

[bethjoanne]

hi my husbands works all day and i am busy going to baby groups etc and looking after baby .husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in.ironing is mounting up and he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday .whos unreasonble?

I'm a crap house wife even with school age DCs my house is a mess, being a SAHM doesn't suddenly make you a domestic goddess.

DH not being about at weekends would have caused him to become an exH.

Once in a while yes, but I need company and help with jobs I can do. Most of all small DCs do my head I need some time off.

I used to go swimming one day a week absolutely saved my sanity.

Looking after a baby is quite. Insuring, but it is not ALL consuming. C'mon, anyone who says it is surely would never have time for mumsnetting or Strictly or letting a friend for a coffee??!!

Reality is, you have not got yourself organised yet. Not a big deal, but when your baby sleeps, rather than always going on the net or turning on tv, make yourself a cup of tea and do a bit of tidying up of preparing for dinner. Then, when you have done some, then take a seat and chill for a bit.

Your husband needs to get over himself with the requests for home cooking and meat from a butchers.

Sorry, I meant looking after a baby is quite consuming, not ALL consuming.

I think you are both unreasonable. He is unreasonable to make demands of you when you have such a small, possibly very demanding baby. But if you are not doing basic jobs around the house and refusing to cook a meal in favour of drinking coffee with your mates at a baby group, then you are being unreasonable as well.

Its difficult to judge really unless we know whether you have a velcro, breastfeeding 24/7 newborn or an easy, sleep through the night, 4 hourly fed baby.

I was going to say YABU, OP. Looking after a baby can be hard work and very isolating, but going to baby groups is more about socialising for the mum, not work. Nothing wrong with that btw, it's good to look after yourself and be in contact with other parents. But I also think it's reasonable to expect that a SAHP to one healthy child will do some stuff around the house as well.

However, I then read that your baby is only 4 weeks old. That changes everything in my view, and if you're managing to get out of bed and dressed in the morning at this stage, you're doing a smashing job! He clearly has no concept of how hard it is to look after such a tiny baby. It can be difficult to let him experience this if you're breastfeeding, as you can't leave him on his own with baby so easily, but somehow you need to give him that insight into what your days are actually like.

It does get easier as they get older, definitely, so hang in there. In the meantime, don't feel under pressure to cook fancy meals for your DH, you're setting yourself up to fail if you try.

my dh was still on paternity leave when my babies were 4 weeks old!!!!

At 4 weeks DH was still making me a plate of sandwiches in the morning, let alone cooking dinner when he got in.

Once your LO is 4 months then you can pop them in a highchair and have a chatter whilst you prep dinner, but at 4 weeks if both of you are clean and fed and no-one is crying in a corner, then the day is a success.

How about suggesting to your DH a compromise (as he doesn't seem to want to help of his own accord): if he baths the baby in the evening, you'll have dinner on the table afterwards. I know you should get time out in the evening, but 20 mins of time cooking on my own was wonderful after having DS attached all day.

Oh my! Your post brought it all back to me. When dd1 was 6 weeks old I walked out on dh. I was exhausted, he was unappreciative! It was only a weekend at my mums, but I needed a break.

15 years later and two dd's we are all fine. And so will you be I'm sure. It's such a shock and very very hard at first. It does get better I promise.

You do need to talk though. He does need to help out a bit. Really if he's out all day on a Saturday then at the very least you need Sunday off. Lies in, cooked for, pampered the lot. Personally I think his weekends need to change for a while at least. You have a baby now.

At 4 weeks every day you've managed to have a shower and put on clean clothes deserves a pat on the back.

Well four weeks is still 'see how we make it through the day' time. I'd only just come off painkillers for torn undercarriage at that point and we were working together to get dd fed every three hours, with DP doing one night feed.

What I could do, even then, was socialise. Sitting chatting, or going for a walk is compatible with focussing on the baby's eating and sleeping and being responsive to her needs. Doing a more linear task, that you need to start and finish, like cooking, is not.

I remember feeling stuck for hours with the baby, writing lists in my head of tasks I was itching to do. When I could get her down to sleep, or in the sling (very useful, two hands free!) it was like a game show, rushing around trying to get as many things done as possible before she woke. If I got everything sterilised, emptied the dishwasher, did a load of washing and ate lunch, I was doing well. One of us cooked dinner but it was during this period, when DP was back at work, after two weeks paternity and a week of hols, that we made use of the frozen meals we'd batch cooked before dd arrived.

bethjoanne...ignoring all the other issues such as dinner etc.. baby groups are a saviour...getting out and about when your baby is so young, you are doing really well. life as a sahm can be lonely at times..the thing that kept me going on bad days were the thought of a coffee and a natter with other mums who knew what i was going through... it was so important to me to make friends.

i think that you need to put your needs high up the priority list. I suffered horrible pnd with my first child because i couldn't get out and about. honestly. do what YOU feel to be right for you.

the house, meals etc will come when your baby is a bit older and is a little more predictable with naps etc. then you can start planning food etc.

nowt wrong with a ready meal here and there, or go for an easy life with jars of pasta sauce, ready prepared meat dishes that be chucked in the oven in the containers they come in etc.

take care, and congratulations on your little baby! x

Actually - this thread is making me feel quite optimistic! I'm 39+5 today with DC2. DD at 4 weeks - well I wanted to shoot myself in the head I was so tired, up constantly breastfeeding, DD would only nap in snatches and then only when held. I couldn't believe how exhausted I was.

And groups were a lifeline at around that stage to stop the walls closing in on me - although my main achievement of the day was getting myself presentable enough to leave the house.

And yet it appears it's possible for a 4 week old to be napping to the extent you can Martha Stewart up your home and get meat from the butcher. Here's hoping...

More generally, I balked at the word 'expect' in your post. Anyone can wish for whatever they like but other people will only do things they've agreed to.

Are you on mat leave or embarking on life as a SAHM? I would still describe it as mat leave until at least six months, when things do get easier and I am starting to feel like a functioning adult again.

We still split housework evenly, as we did when both working. Why wouldn't we? I do the basic washing, tidying, sweeping, getting through the day stuff. One person cooks dinner while the other does baby bath and bedtime and most housework happens at the weekend. We each iron what we need, so DP is the only person ironing at the moment, as his work shirts need it, most of my casual wear does not.

I do childcare during the weekdays while DP works (and that does include meeting friends for coffee and doing a baby-compatible exercise class) and get up in the night as necessary. We share childcare during weekends and evenings. We both enjoy spending time with dd and as a family. That is my normality.

I find some of these posts shocking. People who have piled in and been nasty with assertating the facts. Very few mothers go back to work at 4 weeks with their first child. The majority of mothers are at home full time with a four week baby. Its called maternity leave! It is recongised that looking after a 4 week old is demanding.

Lots of countries have a baby moon period where the mother is expected to do nothing but breastfeed and look after her baby. I know an indian lady whose mother in law came over for the first four months and waited on her daughter in law hand and foot.

Its a big learning curve having your first baby as well as a life changing experience. Second time mums have already learnt how to care for a baby. They have already had that culture shock.

congratulations on the newbaby.

I had grand plans whilr on maternity leave that I would have the house spotless and dinner on the table! My baby is very high maintenance and if it wasn't for my lovely mum helping to keep my house clean I would of found it impossible. My sister is visiting today so I will be able to have dinner ready while she entertains ds.

My dh wants to spend all his evenings and weekends with me and ds...doesn't your dh miss you and dc while at work? I think he sounds like he is resuming his life pre baby. I believe both of your lives change not just the mums.

It sounds like an easy task to make dinner but having experienced it myself I know how difficult it can be. I think your dh is being unreasonable going out at weekends for 8 hours....when is your time off from your job as a sahm/cook/housekeeper!?

I was all for saying YABU until I read your baby is 4 weeks.

I was lucky if I got out of my pyjamas at 4 weeks, never mind out of the house. If I got lunch or a cup of tea in peace it was a miracle. DH took the baby off me as soon as he came in so I could do whatever I needed to do, and we lived of food that could be shoved in the oven and cooked in no time with little prep.

We both pitched in with the housework and laundry and there would have been no way that DH would have buggered off out for 8 hours on a Saturday!

OP it does get easier, and you will find that you will find ways of keeping on top if the housework. I was a SAHM. Once the initial newborn phase passed, I did the lions share, and had a meal on the table. Babies/children don't need entertaining 24/7, you will get yourself in to a routine.

For now, don't put pressure on yor self.

Yes reallytired is right. Four weeks is very young. I'm amazed you are at baby groups, you should be asleep or in the bath most of hte time.

If you had posted this in relationships you would have got a completely different response.
My Dp and I argue about this stuff, my Ds is very hard work so I struggle sometimes and I don't go to mum and tot groups.
I don't think men realise how hard it is, especially on 4-5 hours sleep.

I am not being funny but I am quite surprised at the amount of people who say they could not do anything or very little when their LO was 4 weeks.
As I said before my second was hard work, but life does go on. What are you meant to do if you have more than one child?

Get him to bulk buy meat from the butcher and freeze it in portions so that you can take it out on the day you need it. Ask him to do a simple meal plan and prepare the veg the night before for the meal the next day. A saucepan steamer could become your friend, water in the bottom, fish wrapped in foil in the first layer, veg on the next layer and you have a healthy meal in around twenty minutes. A newborn is hard work so dont sweat the small stuff, decide between you what is important and go from there. congrats btw !

Dh and I work as a team. Sometimes he does tons and I focus on one thing e.g.when the dc's were newborn. Other times I take on the lions share and he does nowt e.g. when he was laid flat with back trouble. When the children were small we both gave up hobbies, now aas they are older we are picking them upp again. We both work hard and never expect or demand of each other. Works for us.

BABY IS FOUR WEEKS???

sooooooooooooooo NBU

Is this your first baby? I know with my first I annoyed myself with how long it took me to get anything done for about the first 6 months,but after that it did get easier.

Now we have 5 children and 10 pets and I find it a lot easier now than I did back then.

My husband goes out to work and I do the housework,help with homework,keep on top of all 5 children's schedules,cook from scratch,do all the laundry, and look after the 10 pets.

I organize Meal planners,days out,holidays,bills,shopping.

But my husband is good when he's off work he helps out with everything.

He also takes care of cutting the grass,cutting the hedge and trees back,cleaning 6 lots of pets out,cleaning windows,taking me shopping,he'll mind the Lo's and help with bath times and bed times.All when he's of work.

I think for me it would be unfair after a long hard day day at work if he came home to a mess and no dinner.

Now we have 2 kids my sahm DP does childcare and has dinner on table

cleaning, still seems to be in remit- thnaks fuck we have a cleaner!!!

but they are grown up, when you have a first child you dont have a clue, I did not even get dressed

x

OP - I suggest you ask this to be moved to Relationships.

A lot of people are missing the point here, it's not about how much people are physically capable of doing with a newborn.

It's about this:

husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in
he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday
he likes proper cooking from scratch
the meat has to be from a butcher
dont think husband knows its a 24 hour job

He sounds like a disrespectful, unsupportive arsehole.

And I'm sure all this pre-dates the baby.

Your baby's 4 weeks old.Then ignore what I said sleep when they sleep,buy nice ready meals from M&S or Waitrose.(grin)