stay at home mum ,untidy house ,me time.

[bethjoanne]

hi my husbands works all day and i am busy going to baby groups etc and looking after baby .husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in.ironing is mounting up and he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday .whos unreasonble?

4 weeks? Yanbu. House not becoming an unhygienic pit and some sort of food most days, fine. Immaculate house (so there nothing for him to do) & complicated meals everyday, no.

If you use baby groups to get out of the house and meet other mothers for a chat, keep going :)

"As I said before my second was hard work, but life does go on. What are you meant to do if you have more than one child? "

Many people find the second child far easier than the first. You haven't got the same learning curve.

Surely there is a balance somewhere. Gormet cooking and looking after a 4 week old is unreasonable. Although I am sure that the OP could order food online as easily as going on mumsnet.

I feel rather than critisim for not being wonderwoman prehaps we need to suggest ways of coping.

Does the OP have a reasonable size freezer? If she ordered high quality meat online she couldn't have to go shoping and her DH could have butcher quality meat.

There are companies that deliver good quality veg as well.

There are people who have a much harder second baby than their first and often they struggle - you see the threads on Mumsnet all the time.

I would say you are both b a bit u.

Unless you feel you need the support/social interaction of other mums at the moment, I wouldn't voter with going to m and b groups yet. 4 weeks is too early to understand what's going on and ime at that age they just want to be with mum and dad at home-getting to know they're surroundings and eventually getting a routine.

As there's a difference between tidy and dirty. Even with a newborn I/you can manage to put a wash on, Hoover, dishes,empty bins etc. and a meal from scratch takes 20 mins if you're canny about it.

However, it's all new to you and there is no mad rush. Bonding with your baby and getting into a routine is more important than anything else. It does get easier in time.

But your dp needs to lower is expectations of you and support you and pull his weight while you both adjust to parenthood.

Parenthood is not like anyone thinks it will be like. It's hard in the first couple of months.

If I were you, I'd sit down with dp now and go through the issues you both have and work at resolving them.

He cannot expect to have 8 hours to himself in his free time. Not at the moment while baby is so young. You should be doing things as a couple and a family together in your free time.

And you need to get into a routine where to are able to do more housework. (I'm aware ill get flamed) but if pure busy with baby and dp at work, who is going to do it?

Has to be teamwork.

And congratulations with your newborn.

He's expecting way too much. Many other cultures, the mum is totally looked after for the first month and does nothing but recover and look after the baby, and in the past here often extended family lived with you or nearby to help out. My first was all consuming, I couldn't get much done as he liked to be held all the time, fed all the time and woke up through the night all the time. It was much easier when no 2 came along as he was an easier baby. he really needs to change his attitude and the 8 hours to hi slef at the weekend is ridiculous.

Surprised you are out at baby groups with a 4 wk old though.

hmm. i don't think anyone told my four week old that she was supposed to sleep. she was feeding at about 13 times a day at that point, which was a blessed relief from the 18-20 she stated with.

post partum haemorrhage and continued bleeding meant I was still on bed rest at four weeks and not allowed up in the day at all.

What Numberlock said.

And no, it doesn't necessarily get automatically easier post newborn stage. I love a clean house and enjoy cooking too. Both are challenging with 6 month old high needs velcro baby. Cries in high chair. Cries in bouncy seat. Cries in bumbo and tries to throw herself out. Ok in sling but its pretty hard doing housework and cooking with 17 lb of fussiness strapped to you. Breastfeeds every 2 hours. Won't nap in cot. Wakes every 2 hours nightly. Teething now too. Good times!

Yanbu

YANBU - you will still be physically recovering from childbirth.

What's with the sexist comments suggesting women should act like 1950s housewives? Yes he has a full time job but looking after a 4 week old baby is also a full time job - one without coffee and lunch breaks.

good morning!
thank you so much for your kind replies.
we have a lovely 0 to 6 months babygroup locally i go too. its nice to get out of the house and we go to baby clinic to be weighed .suns shining this morning feel happier going for a nice walk in the fresh air.
have a good day!
joanne x

hello joanne, have a lovely day! I don't think it's to do with being 1950s it's to do with one person does one thing, the other does the other. What makes the difference is the baby is so young.I used to find the best thing was to thinkg about the hours you work and so when you are working in the evening and at night, and the other person does straight eight hours, home, and stops, that's not fair. But otherwise I think it's fair to expect the person who is at home to do the work at home,.

Have only read the first few posts, but I'm shocked at the number of people saying yabu

I have recently gone back to work part time after maternity leave. I have never washed or ironed DH's clothes. I have never thought it just my job to keep the house clean (and now we have a cleaner) so often the house was a bit of a mess when I was on leave. DH and I share the cooking, although I do more because I enjoy it. And I was often too busy looking after (high needs) DD or out socialising to get much done around the house. The difference was that when DH came back and I said "sorry, no dinner yet as had a busy day", DH's reply was normally "ok, don't worry about it, looking after a baby is hard work. What can I do?".

I always saw maternity leave as a temporary situation and I didn't want to get us into the habit of me doing all the domestic stuff.

I woudln't consider "being out socialising" to be hard work.

No, but it's a pretty vital element of life, talking to other adults, esp. when you may become isolated otherwise.

It's not hard work, but you can't clean and cook if you're out with friends!

'being out socialising' is not hard work, but it is something that most people get at work; that is interaction with other adults.

The value of which is often overlooked by those who have never been at home for 14 hours a day with only a newborn for company 6 days a week.

Good to hear you're having a good day OP. I totally agree that getting out for company and sunshine is invaluable. I really value seeing my ante-natal group and if we hadn't kept that going in the early days we wouldn't still be going now. Those groups are really mothers' groups, with babies, aren't they. Great for comparing experience and getting gentle support. I always feel happier and more human afterwards.

I do think you need a serious conversation with your DH. The issue here seems to be his unreasonable expectations, attitude and rigidity.

I'd think through what you can reasonably expect to do, without pushing yourself too hard, focusing on top priorities and explain that this is what you will be doing. Tell, don't ask permission. Explain what he will need to do to support you and the baby and talk through how that is going to work. Charitably, he is just clueless about how much work and how tiring looking after a young baby is. He needs to experience it a bit more in order to understand. He also needs to listen to you.

If that doesn't work he may have a more entrenched problem and you would get better advice in relationships.

Blimey! I have just read as far as the bit where you said the baby is 4 weeks! In that case he is being completely unreasonable. My DH was back at work by then obviously but was still coming in in the evening and cooking supper/doing housework etc. My mum came over once a week to iron and clean, and DH took two days annual leave for the first two wednesdays after he went back so that I had a bit of mid-week respite (my dd didn't sleep at all during the day so I was knackered, and also I was finding feeding her really challenging).

Then - going back to my original post right near the top of this thread - my dd is now 12 weeks and I can managed to keep the house pretty clean (not perfect, but whose is?) and I do make sure there is stuff for supper which either he or I cook depending on who's looking after DD or who feels like it. DH is certainly not out for hours every weekend though, and I'd be pretty pissed off if he was.

I feel I was harsh in my first post now - keep plodding on and it will feel more normal! Twelve weeks in and I am practically a human being again! (hugs)

You are lookingafter a 4 week old all day, and he is demanding all this?

You're job is looking after a baby, his is going out to work. Both are jobs. Therefore you share stuff when he gets home, eg cooking. I found lookingafter a 4 week old,much harder than working

Tell him to buy his meat on a Saturday instead of disappearing for 8 hours (my dhwould never have dared to do that, I would have killed him!)

Glad you're having a better day OP - fresh air and sunshine definitely good stuff! Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you with terror tales of high need babies. It usually does get much, much easier after the newborn stage. But if it doesn't then it's very important to have a supportive partner on board, especially if there is no other family help around. From what you've written, your H does not sound supportive.

Just for some perspective - my DH works long hours with an hour's commute both ends. He still get up in the night to help settle DD between feeds so I can rest for a couple of hours. He makes me sandwiches when he does his own lunch so I will have something to eat during the day when DD is fussy and unputdownable. I don't get a chance to socialise much but take DD to all her medical appointments and cook and freeze her food for the week. I generally keep on top of the washing up and laundry, and a bit of the hoovering and bathroom if I get the chance. I also do the food shopping, and DH will cook on an evening if I've not had the chance. He cooks on weekends, and generally helps out with any chores that need to be done. He always does the bins. And he does his own ironing.

Neither of us have been out on a Saturday night. He wouldn't dream of leaving me to it for so long. He might sometimes meet his mates for a quick drink after work on a Friday to unwind, but is always home before midnight - and still sober enough to help with DD when the 3am fussing kicks off!

It is really disturbing how your H demands these high standards of you when you are only 4 weeks postpartum with a newborn. Is he generally so selfish of just clueless?

No you can't clean and cook, but if your husband then says "it's ok looking after a baby is hard work" and you've been out with friends all day then its kind of weird.

Yes it's important not to get isolated but when the baby is older there is time to fit it all in. It's when you are working every evening (ironing, cooking) and he is NOT, that's when it's not fair. But if you've been out with mates all day then I think it really is fair to be honest.

I reckon the first 6 weeks are a write off in terms of getting anything done to order. You might find some days go brilliantly and then spend the next 2 glued to the sofa for another mysterious growth spurt. And if you are breastfeeding, it can really crush your energy levels some days. I am expecting dc3 soonish and am preparing ahead in case everything goes to pot for those 6 weeks. Hopefully (and probably) it won't be quite that bad, but it might be. Seriously - around 6 weeks things just start to look a bit brighter.

I think you need to get through to him somehow about how tiring it is having a small being utterly dependent on you all day. Loved the idea of leaving the house and note saying you'll be back at XX time for your tea, and remember the laundry and vacuuming. But it might not be practical at 4wks. I did find out that having a melt-down got through to dh when he was being clueless - if I wasn't weeping, he assumed I was coping! I'm not saying pretend to cry - just don't give the impression everything is fine unless it really is. First baby is a very steep learning curve for a marriage!

Brycie I found my DD to be hard work wherever we were in the early days. Didn't really matter whether we were at home or out and about with others, she still needed a lot of attention!

The point I was trying to make was that DH didn't see it as my job to sort out the house and food when DD was very young, and was grateful if I did. Quite different from the OP whose DH is expecting her to do those things probably with no idea how hard she is working looking after the baby.

I still maintain that on maternity leave those things were not my job. We both managed to split housework/cooking/errands etc. when we were working full time, so why should he suddenly have an easy ride after we've had a baby?!

I don't think meeting other mums with the baby in tow is quite the same as hanging out with your friends though. If you said to your dh 'Sure you can have 8 hours of me time with your mates, you'll be taking the baby with you, ok?' he might protest.

He is being unreasonable to expect everything done but at the same time within the next few weeks for your own sanity it would probably help to find some sort of 'routine' whereby you manage to keep on top of things in the house.