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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

stay at home mum ,untidy house ,me time.

281 replies

bethjoanne · 03/10/2012 19:52

hi my husbands works all day and i am busy going to baby groups etc and looking after baby .husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in.ironing is mounting up and he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday .whos unreasonble?

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 03/10/2012 22:38

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. 4 weeks is so little and you are physically recovering from childbirth as well as having broken nights. Your DH is a selfish pig for going out at the weekend and not helping without housework. It must feel like having two kids.

mulranno · 03/10/2012 22:39

Need to work together in the first few months but watch that slippery slope. When we worked FT with no kids we shared the housework etc...then a few months in it seemed I did it all and his life was easier - as he did less than life pre-kids fast forward 4 more kids and back to work full time....I seem to get left with the housework, homework and all other organisation involved with 4 kids in diff schools, dentists, opticians ....

Smeghead · 03/10/2012 22:40

You need to stop this NOW otherwise you will find that he will never change his attitude.

Fucking off for 8 hours every weekend when he has a knackered wife and new baby at home? NO, that stops. Once a month, fine, once a week? Definitely not.

Cordon Bleu meals on the table when he gets home? Again, NO WAY. He wants that,he can cook it.

When do you get any time off? Has he spent anytime at all on his own with the baby? If not then this weekend would be a good time to start. Leave him with the baby (and a list, lets not be unreasonable) for a couple of hours while you grab a coffee in a nice coffee shop somewhere.

Seriously, you must put your foot down and let him know that a baby changes his life too, otherwise you will be back here in a few years with another couple of children on the verge of leaving him. All because he has taken you for granted and treated you like a housekeeper/nanny, while being a lazy twat and keeping up his social life. There are many threads on MN right now about this, mainly on the Relationships forum. Infact, you might do well to report this thread to MNHQ and ask them to move it to the Relationships forum.

diddl · 03/10/2012 22:40

He sounds like the sort of person I couldn´t be arsed to make an effort for tbh-even if I did have the time.

LaCiccolina · 03/10/2012 22:42

Seriously FOUR WEEKS? I misread!

Definately get a grip. This is as bad as its likely to get which means it WILL slowly be getting better week by week. 8 is far better than 4 and so on. Take a breath babe. Slow down. You don't need to rush, got the rest of mat leave to enjoy or longer.

Husband in shock still. Can surely only b reason for this!

It does get better. Promise.

scarlettsmummy2 · 03/10/2012 22:42

Four weeks is very early to be in a proper routine with a first baby! With my first at that stage some days I didnt leave the house. By about 12 weeks though you will be fine!

TeaDr1nker · 03/10/2012 22:43

YANBU

But on a practical note do u have friends/family who can make meals for you.

Also batch cook mince meat in tomato sauce. Take out your portions and add either mash/rice/pasta etc etc. We had a mince based dish 5 nights a week when DD was born, and the others were TA.

For yourself can u get a flask of tea or herbal tea made up so you always have a nice hot drink on hand, or a jug of squash made up in the fridge.

At 4 weeks either DP will have to help with washing or if a good friend or relative pops in ask them to help out.

Online shopping ia the way to go and meal planning.

I don't get his spending all of Sat away from you though, what does he do, fish?

peanutMD · 03/10/2012 22:43

looking after children is a job!

I work in a nursery and this is why when I got in tonight at 7.30, DP had honey nut cornflakes for dinner :o

Smeghead · 03/10/2012 22:44

Husband in shock still. Can surely only b reason for this!

Or a selfish tosser who doesnt give a shit that his wife is on her knees with exhaustion, just wants his michelin star quality dinner on the table when he walks in and to bugger off all day at the weekend.

scarlettsmummy2 · 03/10/2012 22:44

I also would be putting an end to him buggering off all day on a saturday! He should be taking you both out!

TeaDr1nker · 03/10/2012 22:45

I must add DP is grateful for whatever I put on the table, thankfully.

MerylStrop · 03/10/2012 22:45

Why's your OH suddenly turned into a caveman?

He needs to lower his standards and muck in - with the baby at weekends and a share of housekeeping.

It's probably practically best if you sort out supper. He can bath the baby whilst you fix it.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 03/10/2012 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DuelingFanjo · 03/10/2012 22:48

You gave birth four weeks ago? Tell him to go fuck himself! Seriously, he expects meals cooked from scratch and visits to the local butcher. He sounds like a right twat.

At this point you should be sat on your arse with the remote control in your hand and homes under the hammer on tv, eating the cake that he is bringing home on his way back from work.

TempusFuckit · 03/10/2012 22:48

Just to add to the chorus of "Four weeks?! YANBU!"

(It gets much easier Smile)

Brandnewbrighttomorrow · 03/10/2012 22:48

My first baby was much harder work than the subsequent two - partly due to my inexperience and partly due to her not being a good sleeper - if you don't get your sleep it can be so difficult to think straight enough to even figure out what needs doing let alone do it. Now all my lot are sleeping I can achieve so much more - I've cooked for between 6 and 8 every evening for the last fortnight without breaking a sweat. I could barely get out of the house some days when I had the kids very small. Slings are good!

Agree with others who make the point that you need to leave your dh to care for the baby solo for spells on the weekend - without prepping everything in advance for him. that'll teach him!

DuelingFanjo · 03/10/2012 22:49

Oh, and STOP doing his ironing, and his washing. Tell him you're not doing it any more. He should be doing extra to support you.

Brandnewbrighttomorrow · 03/10/2012 22:53

Didn't read second half of thread - YOUR BABY IS 4 WEEKS OLD!!!!???

He is being massively unreasonable. I was irrationally delighted with myself if I'd managed to have a shower by the time dh got home when I had a four week old!

shewhowines · 03/10/2012 22:56

I was going to say YABU until you said the baby was 4 weeks.

IME things got a lot easier at the 4 month mark and even better when they could sit up. Give yourself some slack. Do only the necessary things, however I do think a meal for your husband is probably one of the necessary things. It may be, he entertains the baby while you cook when he gets in. He might not like a later meal time but he needs to compromise too, Cooking on your own is a change is as good as a rest type thing.

He is BU to leave you on your own for 8 hours. Make sure you get some "me" time too. Also make sure you do family things with all three of you too- not just handing over the baby to each other to get a rest. You need to bond as a family of 3.

NotWilliamBoyd · 03/10/2012 23:01

I'll join the chorus of "4 weeks?????"

At 4 weeks you are still adjusting to a totally different way of life - at that stage with Dd I was thrilled if I got to empty the dishwasher and hang the washing out during the day, major achievement!

Your DH needs a major reality check.

(Although I don't understand why you can't remember the last time you went to the hairdresser if your baby is only 4 weeks old??)

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2012 23:04

If the baby's only 4 weeks old, why bother with baby groups?

Surely there's plenty of time for that when you're less frazzled?

princessnumber2 · 03/10/2012 23:10

I would try to take the practical tips and supportive comments from this thread and ignore the 1950s bollocks.

Some people have easier babies than others, some people take to motherhood more easily than others, some have tons of support from family and friends (not to mention cleaners, babysitters etc), while others might be more socially isolated perhaps with depression, needy babies, and partners who work a mere eight hours a day and come home and EXPECT the mother of their child to have provided childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping, gardening, car and house maintenance, financial and admin services, school or uni research and selection, homework supervision, dentists, doctors, hospital and hair appointments, birthday card and present purchasing (and sending), birthday party organising, Christmas planning, holiday booking etc etc. Meanwhile when they come home they deserve a sit down in front of the tv with a home cooked meal (presumably while you hang out the laundry you haven't finished and load the dishwasher)

F* that for a game of soldiers.

Be kind to yourself. Your baby is FOUR WEEKS?! Tell him go to the bloody butchers.

JockTamsonsBairns · 03/10/2012 23:12

Oh good heavens - 4 weeks, my love, since giving birth! I am sorry, for some reason, I'd assumed we were talking about one toddler here. You are doing way too much, thanks to your Dh's expectations. Be very careful - if you make it the norm already that you do everything home and baby related, while he puts in his demands, that's a very difficult status quo to break further down the line.

Baby groups with a 4-week old? If you are enjoying getting out and meeting other mums then that's a brilliant way to pass some time each day. But, don't be pressuring yourself to go if you don't feel like it - your tiny little baby will not be fussed one way or another.

As for cooking and housework, if you're anything like me, it'll be taking up all your time just to get a washing done and do a bit of washing up as and when you get a chance. Everything else can wait, seriously. Four weeks in, you're just getting to know your little baby and find your way through each day. If I remember correctly, it's a good three months before you start getting into the swing of any kind of routine.

I'm a bit pissed off on your behalf that he sees fit to bugger off for the best part of every Saturday. What's he even doing for that time? He should be mucking in, giving you a bit of a break - or doing a bit of batch cooking himself, given his exacting standards of cuisine that he seems to be expecting.

You two need to talk, and divvy up the responsibilities here. You are looking after a tiny newborn, and he needs to be looking after you. Months down the line, when you get into your routine, and he's out working, you can then look after each other - that's teamwork.

DialMforMummy · 03/10/2012 23:15

I would say it depends on the baby. With my first, who was a dead easy baby, I could cook, clean, chill, shop, watch crap on TV etc... No problem.
Second baby was more problematic so could not quite get round to the chilling bit....
You do what you can, that's good enough I'd say.

LapinDeBois · 03/10/2012 23:15

First, you are soooo NBU. I was still in shock and being looked after 24/7 by my mum/DH when DS1 was 4 weeks old.

On the general issue, though, I don't get why the whole division of labour thing gets so complicated. The way I see it is, your DH works out of the home for X hours per day. You work in the home for roughly the same X hours per day (on a combination of child care, housework and household admin). Anything that you haven't managed to get done in that time either gets carried over to the next day, or gets split between you in the evening/weekend. Obviously you're both human, and you're allowed 'crap' days (where he fritters his work time away surfing the net, or you waste the baby's nap time on Mumsnet), but as long as neither of you really takes the piss, it's fine. Works for us, anyway Smile.