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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

stay at home mum ,untidy house ,me time.

281 replies

bethjoanne · 03/10/2012 19:52

hi my husbands works all day and i am busy going to baby groups etc and looking after baby .husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in.ironing is mounting up and he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday .whos unreasonble?

OP posts:
Disappearing · 03/10/2012 23:24

I think it depends on how much energy you have, which will depend on the temperament and sleep habits of your baby. I was a SAHM for a couple of years, and I was absolutely broken through that time with sleep depravation, and DD needed to be held, for 2 years solid, which meant cooking/cleaning was waaay down my priority list. Back then I was skeletal with lack of eating and sleeping. Returning to work was the best thing for my health and sanity, only after getting back to work, and 8 hours solid desk time per day, I had enough energy to also tackle stuff like food shopping/cleaning/cooking. Also nursery tired out my DD, so she started sleeping better too. Win/win. Luckily my DH didn't whine too much about my lazy ways.

raggybaggy · 03/10/2012 23:31

OMG, just read your baby is only 4 weeks. Your DH needs a good slapping! He should still be worshipping the ground you walk on for producing his off-spring and looking after you!!!

No way are you being unreasonable!

sonofzod · 04/10/2012 03:32

a males point of view here..

ive worked 12 hours and came home many a time to not have tea ready or the house in tip top tody condition, i know how much of a handful it is and tiring looking after a baby all day, hell, i find doing my 12hour shifts easier than a day chasing a 14month baby all around..

However, Dinner a few times a week isnt that hard to do, the slowcooker, something easy if you have baby in tow is still managable

On the days im off and wife works i manage to prep some dinner when he has a nap so shes still got some dinner to look forward too after a hard days graft..

musicalendorphins · 04/10/2012 03:51

Neither of you are being unreasonable.
I carried my baby around a lot, but still managed to cook, I had to, I had a 11 year old as well. I don't think your husband should be critical of what you serve him to eat.
I never ironed back in the baby days, it was into the dryer then hung up right away.
I only iron now because I find it relaxing.
A hour before he comes home, tidy up.

Ironing, each do your own. You are a stay at home mom, but not HIS mom.

Longtalljosie · 04/10/2012 03:54

Sonofzod - you saw the baby is 4 weeks old, right?!

Him pissing off with his mates for all of every Saturday is pretty much unforgivable in my book. He should also be making dinner when he gets home to give you a break. I'm assuming given how he behaves generally that he's not doing his share of the night duties either?

Take control of the situation - if you have the energy. And tell him how unreasonable he's being. If the baby is formula fed tell him YOU'RE off out for 8 hours next Saturday (if BF I appreciate that's not an option)

musicalendorphins · 04/10/2012 04:18

Yes, he should do half the cooking, or work out some sort of system that works for both of you. Maybe he can prepare some food the night before that will be easy for you to cook the next day? Is it hard to get to the butcher for the meat? If it is, maybe he can get the meat on the way home for the next night, or on the week end. Do you have a deep freezer?

I want to warn you, a 4 week old baby sleeps a lot, but soon the baby will be awake more often, so probably a good idea for the two of you to sit down and try and plan something workable for you.

HardlyEverHoovers · 04/10/2012 06:19

Blimey, 4 weeks? At 4 weeks my house was a tip, friends were bringing me food and husband was helping a lot.
I assumed we were talking about an older baby.
I personally think your DHs expectation are not unreasonable for later down the line, but at the moment you are still recovering from giving birth. I think you need to ask him for some breathing space while you recover physically and get you and baby into a routine.
Like others have said, don't bother with the baby groups unless you need them for you, baby won't give 2 hoots. There seems to be some expectation, by health visitors as well, that attending these things is something mothers 'should do'. I personally didn't bother as I have lots of friends with children so I didn't feel I needed it.

NotYouNaanBread · 04/10/2012 06:31

  1. don't iron anything, ever.

  2. it's miserable being in a messy house with a baby - start cleaning for your own sanity.

  3. tell him you'd like to cook dinner together OR he can cook while you put the baby to bed OR you cook while HE puts baby to bed

d) put the kybosh on those 8 hour weekend jaunts. He has a baby and doesn't get to do that any more. Endov.

e) leave him with baby for at least 4 hrs at the weekends (unless you're nursing every 30 mins - but maybe take this as an opp to train baby out of grazing anyway) and go off and do your own thing.

janey68 · 04/10/2012 06:52

Yabu, with one baby you should easily be able to get a meal ready and keep the house reasonably tidy. It's part and parcel of being a Sahm. Your dh couldnt physically do it anyway when he's out working.
Stop going to so many baby groups and you'll probably find its not too hard to keep on top of things

MarjorieAntrobus · 04/10/2012 06:59

Janey, her baby is only four weeks old! Many parents are still in a complete fog at that stage.

surelythisoneisnttaken · 04/10/2012 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fishwife1949 · 04/10/2012 07:06

bethjoanne sorry BUT YOU ARE i used to be a childminder and looked after 4 children plus my owan and i still had dinner on the table and my house is never messy or dirty you incorporate cleaning into your day just as you do bAby group

If it were the other way round and you were at work and oh was at home you came home to chips and a messy place yu would not be happy nor would i

I think you need to get it together,make a list of what needs to be done and plan in advance for dinner take the meat out nite before make sure uour home by at least 5 so you cam start dinner

Fishwife1949 · 04/10/2012 07:10

He should NOT be doing half the cooking i just think its outragous that anyones even suggesting it

God mn is soooooo sexist and agaisnt men if this post was revered and the tag line was oh WANTS ME TO COOK DINNER AFTER 12 hour shift whiles hes been at home all day the posts would be leave the prick, abuse abuse leave now dont dtand for it

janey68 · 04/10/2012 07:11

At 4 weeks old why on earth fill your time going to baby groups?! A 4 weeks old sleeps loads too, so it's easier to get things done around the house than when they're mobile .

I do think the op is being a bit pathetic. One baby who will sleep a lot of the time. How would she manage with several kids and a job like loads of people do.

Rosebud05 · 04/10/2012 07:12

I completely disagree with advice that says stop going to baby groups so that you can keep on top of the housework!

Why on earth should anyone with a 4 week old baby deny herself opportunities to interact with other adults, including those in a similar situation to herself, on a daily basis whilst hopefully building up a local support and friend network to sustain her through those early years in order to do the ironing?

At 4 weeks, my babies were feeding constantly and dc2 in particular took HOURS to persuade to sleep in the day so that she'd stop screaming with tiredness...

I often did manage to cobble some evening meal together, but it was at the expense of me resting or doing anything positive for myself, which I wouldn't recommend to anyone else.

It will get easier OP, but it sounds like your dh and you need to rework the division of labour and expectations. If he insists on meat from a butcher, maybe he could do the meat shop on a Saturday morning, for example?

It's hard when there's been a bit of a domestic bliss thing going on whilst you're on mat leave in late pregnancy, then all hell breaks loose at home once the baby is here!

KindnessofStrangers · 04/10/2012 07:16

Fishwife Her baby is 4 weeks old. She is still recovering from child birth/ full of hormones/ maybe still bleeding etc so not really comparable.

OP, as others have said it does get easier Smile

KindnessofStrangers · 04/10/2012 07:26

Just to add your D H needs to start pulling his weight, yes he is working but you have just had a baby and need his support. You are not his skivvy, you are off looking after a very very newborn which is bloody hard work, especially with no sleep, physical recovery, breastfeeding etc. Does he get up in the night?

Don't push yourself too hard, be kind to yourself, I wish someone had said this to me as I feel that it has taken me a long time to recover physically and mentally from having DD because I was desperate to do it all.

I second some of the other posters suggestion of some Daddy and baby time, even just an hour if LO can manage feeding wise.

TeaOneSugar · 04/10/2012 07:30

I've never understood the "busy going to baby groups thing", but then I've never been a SAHM so maybe I'm missing something.

Surely the point is that you don't have to go, if you're tired and struggling to keep on top of things why are you out at baby groups?

I get that you might want to meet other SAHMs, adult company etc. but not every day surely?

Rosebud05 · 04/10/2012 07:33

Maybe OP wants to go to a baby group every day?

It wasn't my thing, but I have several friends who described it as a 'life saver'.

Or maybe OP wants to browse round an exhibition or go for a longish walk as she recovers from birth and adjusts to her new life and copes with sleep deprivation?

Surely an individual's mental well-being is more important than the ironing?

TeaOneSugar · 04/10/2012 07:36

I'm not saying stop going to all baby groups BTW but maybe cut it down if it's having a major impact on your time, we all have to manage our time whether we work outside the home or we're a SAHP.

I think you need to sit down and consider what your role is (and isn't) and then plan how you are going to fufil it.

SarryB · 04/10/2012 07:38

I'm a SAHM to a 5 month old.

OH goes and earns money, works very hard to provide for all of us.
I clean, iron, wash etc because he works. Sounds 1950's, but if I was out working and he was a SAHD then I'd expect the same from him.

TeaOneSugar · 04/10/2012 07:38

Sitting in a messy house with a pile of ironing and getting stressed because there's no evening meal planned won't be good for her mental health either.

SarryB · 04/10/2012 07:39

By the way - I cleaned my bathroom at 38 weeks, baby was born at 39 weeks, and the bathroom didn't get cleaned again till he was about 2.5 months old.

Gross, but hey, tiny babies are hard work!

Rosebud05 · 04/10/2012 07:41

Looking after a 5 month old baby isn't the same as a 4 week old - it's not particularly helpful to compare the two except to say that it will get easier.

Sounds like dh the one getting stressed about the housework situation - maybe he should be devoting his evenings to doing it and getting up early to get a meal in the slow cooker?

Rosebud05 · 04/10/2012 07:43

Anyway OP, you and your dh need to sit down and talk this through. Probably many times over the years, as things are constantly changing!

I don't think you're being unreasonable or pathetic as some other posters do. Enjoy your new baby!