stay at home mum ,untidy house ,me time.

[bethjoanne]

hi my husbands works all day and i am busy going to baby groups etc and looking after baby .husband expects tidy house and tea ready when he gets in.ironing is mounting up and he gos out for 8 hours with mates on saturday .whos unreasonble?

Hmm. alot of the problem is that the work at home is so utterly tedious and thankless. I bluddy hate cooking a meal every night, who in their right mind would chose a job where at 5 in the evening when everyone else is winding down you stand about in the kitchen peeling tatties or whatever and this has to happen every night of the year. (and of course you don't get a nice pay packet at the end of the month as reward).

I don't think you should have much cleaning to do really, with just you and baby. And I doubt most DHs or working DWs would know if the floor had been washed or hoovered. Can you sneak his shirts to the laundry where they will come back all ironed and on hangers? and maybe sheets too

Perhaps he can watch baby for 8 hours on the other day at the weekend and on that day cook the evening meal? Not much to ask judging by his attitude to you.

Whilst I wouldn't allow him to dictate about the butchers and so on, I do think you can do a bit of light cooking. Even though looking after a baby is work, many people do dc type work, and out of home work, and still cook and clean a bit. Dh should do some stuff, but so should you.

Funny I didn't think the Internet existed in 1950s middle class suburban USA

Is the OP enjoying her maternity leave? I think the OP would benefit from having one night out a week away from the baby. I did a couple of evening classes, but the OP could join a sports club or a muslc society.

I feel the OP has had a bit of a roasting. How old is the baby? Does the baby wake in the night? Are you still breastfeeding? Having a small baby can be overwelm many people. Once your baby is active it can be a real struggle to keep on top of the mess they create. Its no wonder that 10% of women experience postnatal depression.

Going out to baby groups is about managing sanity. Being a home with a baby can be a lonely and monotenus experience. Going out exposes the baby to a language rich enviroment. No one would think highly of a childminder or nursery who just stuck the baby in a sling and did the cleaning and shopping. Babies need to be played with.

I think that batch cooking is the way to go. If you cook a lovely stew and freeze 4 portions then you can get out a prepared meal out the freezer when you feel tired.
It helps to plan your meals a week in advance.

Ironically I found that having two children and being back at work easier than being at home with one baby. Picking up my older child from school gave me social interaction. I could have a conversation with a seven year old. When you have more than one child they sometimes entertain themselves.

I really think a lot depends on how demanding your baby is and whether or not you have a natural inclination towards housework/cooking.

I used to think I had a demanding high-flying job until I had a demanding baby. I took a year off and it was utterly exhausting. I also have a very demanding, high-maintenance husband who expected a perfect home, gourmet dinner and knock-out glamorous wife with a cute fast-asleep baby when he got home.

I think men who have no experience of babies can be very unrealistic.

When I went back to work it was like being on holiday after looking after my baby. My "stressful" job with "long hours" seemed like a joke compared to what I'd been through ( my husband never, ever got up in the night for feeds).

To avoid arguments, I would definitely recommend the suggestions for careful tumble drying and non-iron shirts. Also, if you have a rather anal husband like mine, I find it useful to plan the weeks meals in advance so that a. you can sort out the shopping in one go so it doesn't eat into your time too much and b. your dh knows what to expect.

I was lucky enough to have a brilliant nanny for a while who gave me a really useful tip for tidying, she said when she was moving from room-to-room with baby, she'd always do a 60 second tidy of the room she was leaving (if it had got into a bit of a state). Once you're in the habit of it, you don't even notice you're doing it and it really helps you keep everything organised and hold back the chaos!

I found that both me and dh had to do a lot of adjusting within our marriage after my ds arrived. We both had to give in a bit to make it work.

I have to say I think it's pretty mean for your dh to go out all day on saturday and leave you home with the baby again. Mine did that too, but if it's any consolation, he most sincerely regrets it now and feels that he wasted a lot of golden opportunities to enjoy time with our ds while he was a baby.

Good luck xx

Tricky one that. You are not his slave and a baby is work. Had he been single he would have to cook, clean, iron and work. Had you been a single SAHM you would have to do it all.

How many hours to relax do you each have each day/each week? Add up his lunch breaks, evenings, weekends out. Add up your free time in the evenings and baby nap times. Try and make the free time equal in amount.

I think it might be easier to ask him to do certain jobs within the house - bins out, keep on top of all the floors, empty the dishwasher. Also you need to get out of the house too and let him take charge with the baby. Maybe he will understand how hard it is to get things done sometimes. You also need some 'me' time.

Agree get a slow cooker and then you can put it on while your baby sleeps early in the day. A sling can also be handy. Agree baby groups are essential for both baby and mother.

I also think that some babies are much harder and time consuming then others. Some babies you can put down and others not.

I don't like the " he expects" part of the OP. No one should expect someone else to cook dinner or tidy up after oneself. Having said that, I don't understand people who don't cope with having one baby and get so overwhelmed by it that they can't do anything else...

thank you everyone for all your kind replies.x
im glad it will get easier. its hard with one baby but thats reasuring the post from -reallytired- that having two children is easier.i guess the eldest can help keep the baby entertained. dont want my child to be an only one.xxxx

I don't think your DH is being very supportive as you settle into your new job. I have 6 month old and 3.3 yr old DD's and the house is tidier and fridge fuller than it was when DD1 was a baby as I have had to learn to be more organised in order to keep on top of things. Difference is, I want DH to come home to a tidy house and dinner cooking away, as it gives me pleasure. And he never expects it so is lovely and grateful when he gets it probably 90% of the time.
Perhaps just ask DH to bear with you whilst you work out a way to do things. But if its too much to handle don't put pressure on yourself, hire a cleaner/ironer!

"Having said that, I don't understand people who don't cope with having one baby and get so overwhelmed by it that they can't do anything else... "

Depends if the mother is ill.

A childless person with clinical depression can feel so overwhelmed that they can't get out of bed. A childless person can take sick leave from work. A SAHM can't

I agree with you that under normal circumstances having one small baby should not overwhelm anyone after the first 6 weeks.

It can take half an hour to make dinner, half an hour to do the ironing. Work out how much of your work takes you into the evening and overnight. After all, he goes out, comes back, all done. You can fake it if he doesn't want to help.

I struggled to get anything done when dc1 was tiny. I thought it was because I was crap (though thank goodness I didn't know about Mumsnet then so didn't read posts like some of the ones on here....) not realising she was basically a velcro baby and they're not all like that.
With dc2 I was able to look after dc1, do quite a lot of cooking and a reasonable amount of housework. With dc3 I could do most of the cooking and all the housework and look after dc1 and dc2. They were just much easier babies and I'd got better at fitting stuff in around them, which is something you learn, it doesn't come immediately.
So if people do the 'Goodness knows why you're having trouble with only 1 baby, I have 5 kids and I manage!' line, don't take any notice. The first is often the hardest.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. I am a SAHM, DS1 is 4 DS2 is 1. I do all the things you mention, cook, clean, wash, iron, 95% of night time get ups. The food is mostly batch cooked then frozen or I throw something at the slow cooker. I have no complaints about my role but if I miss out on any of those things DH will just help me when he gets in or dial a takeaway and put the boys to bed while I have a bath.

I gave up a good career to be a SAHM (was a clinical nurse specialist) and this Is a far harder job. It only works because we are a partnership. If DH had the same attitude as yours I would go on strike.

He has to understand that it can be very lonely being at home with young children, do you have family time if he is spending so much of the weekend with mates?

my baby is 4 weeks .we cant afford a cleaner etc.sorry what does sahm mean? thanks joanne x

Jesus, robynridinghood, there's a bit of a difference between a 'slovenly shit hole', and a few toys on the floor and a full ironing basket.

bethjoanne, if your husband actually gave a shit about the house being tidy/ironing being done etc etc, he'd be doing that on a saturday instead of pissing off for esssentially the entire day.

sahm = stay at home mum.

Well at 4 weeks old I was spending most of my time on the sofa feeding my babies, DH would get home make me a cup of tea and toast and take the baby for a couple of hours so I could sleep before my night shift.

Your husband is being a nasty shit to behave like this when your baby is so young.

You might find it easier to have dinner prepped and ready to cook when your dh comes in and then he can do the last stage, rather than you have to do it for him just at the time of day when babies (in my experience at least) want to settle down for a nice long feed. You can have stew in the pan to warm up, veg peeled and cut up, meat rubbed with spices and ready for a quick blitz in the frying pan, or alternatively do a home-made readymeal (one of the Jamie Oliver books has some good ideas, I think the 3rd Naked Chef one) with the meat, veg and herbs in a foil parcel ready to go in the oven.

Sham is a stay at home mum. Your baby is still really young and you are probably still recovering from the birth so I do think it's unreasonable to expect you to do everything.

I'd suggest you don't do everything, chances are if you do, it will become expected that you do. Set your standards a bit lower. I'd assume you will be making food for yourself so it wouldn't be too hard to put something on for him - fish fingers and oven chips is a fine dinner. Also if you can't be arsed going to the butchers, is he really going to taste the difference between supermarket and butcher meat ?

Sorry OP - I didn't realise your baby was so little - as you mentioned baby groups I assumed an older baby. At 4 weeks old my DH was still on paternity leave and I most definitely was not doing any cleaning or cooking, in fact doing little except feeding and sleeping.

omg, i was like the living dead when DC was that age, never mind get the energy to cook and clean.

4 weeks!!!!

Wow. You have every right to be as lazy as you like. Your baby is tiny !

4 weeks!

Well YANBU at all. What a total git your dh is being; my dcs are 10 and 14-my dh still would never expect his tea made for him as a right, as for demanding 'jamie oliver' style meals every night, that is a total joke.

I remember feeling that I began to get control of my domestic life when each baby was about 6 months old. Before that there was clean dishes, clean clothes and full tummys and that was it.