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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really very hurt by my SIL.

434 replies

Diddydollydo · 01/10/2012 21:28

My brother and his wife have just had their first baby (yay!), a beautiful little girl. I wanted to get them something special, or what I thought was special, so I started making a basket up for them a few months ago, adding to it when I could afford to.

I put in bodysuits, babygrows, a music box, teething ring, a couple of little dresses, little soft toys, practical stuff like nappies, wipes, muslins etc. I also made some wee trinkets for DN for when she is older (I make silver jewellery). I decorated the basket with ribbons and balloons and took it round on Saturday and DB and SIL seemed very happy with it. DB rang me when I got home to say thanks again.

Today at work, DB rang and asked me to drop by on my way home from work and pick something up that I'd left there. So he opens the door and we're chatting in the hall. SIL was in the living room and clearly didn't hear me come in as I hear her say 'Yeah, Diddy was here on Saturday. Yes a basket of crap then laughs. Sad DB was mortified and started to walk into the living room but I stopped him, said it didn't matter and left. She's just had a baby and I didn't want them fighting.

However, now I feel really hurt. I put so much thought into the basket and I know that perhaps it wasn't a fancy present but I thought she, in particular, would appreciate it. And most of all, I thought she was my friend. Am I being a twattish sensitive idiot?

OP posts:
Blu · 02/10/2012 14:08

Oh dear. Sad

So: you already knew she had some different tastes to you - it seems that how ever much thought and care you put in (and you did! and it was lovely!) she still found the gifts not to her taste. Then she was not gracious enough to enjoy and accept the thought. Or apologise properly.

But not sharing taste isn't in itself a terrible thing. I would tell your DB that you were very upset, that you would have felt better about an apology that went 'I was a cow and I'm sorry', as you say, but that none of it is worth losing any jpy over your DN. Then be polite and friendly to your SIL bit just don't give her any mre gifts at all. Give toys and books to your DN, of course. But not to your SIL.

edam · 02/10/2012 14:08

I like Molly's suggested text!

Herrena · 02/10/2012 14:08

I agree with you that a behaviour adjustment is probably for the best, Eliza. Makes me :( for Diddy though.

I like that Molly! Although I would be tempted to send a text along the lines of:

'Are you sorry for what you said or sorry that I heard it?! Actually, don't tell me - it doesn't matter. Next time I will ask you what you'd like as a present rather than going by my own preference, as clearly our tastes differ.'

KurriKurri · 02/10/2012 14:12

I think her text was rude - she is not the one who should be deciding whether to move on, she should be asking for your forgiveness, you decide whether or not you want to forgive.

For future purposes, I would say to her that yes you were very hurt and upset, because you'd wanted to do something thoughtful for the new baby, but you've decided for everyone's sake that you can move on from this.

Your relationship with your niece, your DB's child, is what is important here, and I'm sure if you always put such thought and care into any gifts for her - she will know what a loving thoughtful aunty she has.

For your SIL, I would from now on for her birthdya's etc. send vouchers with a note saying, - 'I thought you'd prefer to choose something for yourself'.

You sound like a truly lovely person.

shewhowines · 02/10/2012 14:16

Be the better person. Ignore and be civil. By ignoring she may realise that her apology hasn't cut the mustard. She may be able to redeem herself slightly by apologising in a better manner.

Your relationship will never be the same but don't let it impact on DB and DN.

Berts · 02/10/2012 14:17

Oh dear. I wouldn't reply to the text, since you don't want to blow it up, but if she says anything about you not replying just say, "Oh, I thought we were moving on?"

And then think "COWBAG!" - but only in your head...

Floggingmolly · 02/10/2012 14:22

SlightlySuperior. But SIL was not extremely embarrassed at being overheard; the text testifies to that.

She had a chance to redeem herself but didn't care enough to do it. Truly vile.

SlightlyJaded · 02/10/2012 14:54

I agree with all the posters who are suggesting a response along the lines of:

" For the record, I can't tell you how gutted I was to hear you be so spectacularly rude about me - I thought we meant more to each other than that. I really hope that it was down to sleep deprivation/hormones. But yes, for everyone's sake, lets move on."

Frontpaw · 02/10/2012 15:07

What did you text back? Sorry - dotting in and out.

I'd have texted back 'let's not' with an angry smiley. Then one that looks like a cows bum.

QuintessentialShadows · 02/10/2012 15:07

I agree with KurriKurri.

But your SIL is an adult, you really dont need to give her any presents in future....

Frontpaw · 02/10/2012 15:16

Unless its a turd in a Tiffany box.

PinkFondantFancy · 02/10/2012 15:18

Your present sound fab and thoughtful OP. The 'apology' is unbelievable, your SIL is an utter tit. Pooing reindeer thingy for her for chrimbo I say!!

Acepuppets · 02/10/2012 15:21

I would feel exactly the same as you. If I had received a basket like that I would have been delighted that someone went to the effort to think about me and put everything together.

FryOneFatManic · 02/10/2012 15:24

One the subject of suitable presents, has anyone mentioned the new Furby yet?

Not exactly noisy, but the original ones could be relied on to come out with some very unusual or embarrassing comments when least expected.......

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/10/2012 15:25

How about this for her Xmas gift
www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped/gardeners/fertiliser-ou5023ag

or if you are feeling more generous
www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped/diyers/build-a-bog-ou5008ws

Hard to complain about an ethical gift Wink

LittleAbruzzenBear · 02/10/2012 15:26

You sound like a wonderful SiL. Wish you were my SiL, my SiL (DH's DS) is a SAHM with her only DC in nursery and she has a car, time and money and she hasn't even come to see our 10WO DS2.

ShushBaby · 02/10/2012 15:37

It's a different situation- but my mil wrote me and my partner a pretty shitty letter a while back.

The only actual point of it was that she no longer intended to provide childcare for our daughter. But there was a lot of quite hurtful stuff in there too.

As tempting as it was to compose a scathing response- and I did, though did not send it- we just replied as briefly as possible. We acknowledged the letter and said fine re childcare situation.

These days she is on her very best behaviour at all times and actually seems to have taken a look at herself and has changed her attitude towards us. I think she feels somewhat ashamed... whereas we have nothing to feel bad about. Things feel easier than they did before, believe it or not.

Keep your integrity and moral high ground in tact. Yes feel hurt- it's completely understandble- but just accept the apology (eg 'thanks for the apology. Look forward to seeing DN soon') and concentrate on the things that matter: your relationship with your brother and niece.

I don't think you'll regret it. And I don't think it would make you a pushover. Sometimes you just need to weigh up what is REALLY worth kicking off about.

Frontpaw · 02/10/2012 15:42

I suspect your brother will have had words with her. Don't rise to it, make comments about it, etc, or she will play the martyr card ('I was joking/sleep deprived...sent an apology...'

You will laugh about this, but not yet and certainly not with her.

Annakin31 · 02/10/2012 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/10/2012 16:06

I should add that I am still using the muslin cloths I bought and my youngest child is 5. They're good for washing your make up off if you use a face wash type of cleanser. Wink

elizaregina · 02/10/2012 16:07

it is patronising and cocky and horrid and yucky...and presumptious - lets move on ....

my FIl said that to me - after MIL attacked me verbally for over an hour after DD was born - and after he then waded in...as i stood there in shock he said
" anyway lets move on thats the important thing"!!!

5 years later and we havant moved on an inch.

one day....when the time is right they will get a full dressing down from me, then I shall smile andy say...." now....lets move on"!!!!

exoticfruits · 02/10/2012 16:46

Why not invent a friend and text her back and say that since she didn't like them you will take them off her hands for the friend?

MarysBeard · 02/10/2012 17:03

Terrible text, just makes it hurt. When you hurt someone, it's generally THEY who get to decide when they can move on, not you!

^Christmas gift for SIL - self help book Getting Over Yourself
Future gift for your lovely neice, Children of the Self Absorbed^

Brilliant.

I also recommend these:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1855033704/ref=s9_bbs_bw_d0_g14_ir01?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-8&pf_rd_r=0WRYSQ2GAQN4PDZ524PY&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=40814067&pf_rd_i=61

www.amazon.co.uk/We-are-Kind-Helpful-Anybodys/dp/0954541189/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1349193713&sr=1-9

www.amazon.co.uk/Debretts--Z-Modern-Manners-Bryant/dp/1870520750/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1349193779&sr=1-3

MarysBeard · 02/10/2012 17:04

Just makes it worse, I meant to say.

Plomino · 02/10/2012 17:05

What a cow .

I only hope that one day about 15 years in the future , she overhears her daughter discussing a birthday present chosen by her with much thought , with the same degree of disdain and contempt . And then when she complains to you , I would be reply 'oh well, let's move on '

What an utter utter bitch .