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Original poster

To not invite this woman to my wedding?

210 replies

lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 11:21

Obviously namechanged for this. Sorry if its long or doesn't make sense, I am on my phone!

Having a chat with dp last night about our upcoming nuptials and who he was planning on inviting from his work. The whole company only has about 15 employees and he works closely everyday with 7 of them. He has been there nearly 2 years, only two others have been in his team longer than that, the rest he has known less than a year. I have met the older employees a few times and really like them, newer ones only met once.

Anyway he really wants to invite one woman who I really did not click with at all. I have no problem with him having female friends or inviting women, the two other females I really like. I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues.

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

Anyway am I being ridiculous? Should I just suck it up and admit i'm being stupid and have her there to make dp happy or should I be feeling uncomfortable on my wedding day?

Am I being a paranoid freak?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 01/10/2012 22:29

Crinkle, stranger things have happened!

I know of two women who attended their lovers weddings!

Floggingmolly · 01/10/2012 22:36

Absolutely, Amberleaf, not unknown at all, sadly.

doinmummy · 01/10/2012 22:39

Warning bells here too. If you invite her to the wedding OP, do you think that you will be able to relax and enjoy yourself? Or will you be forever looking at the door waiting for her to arrive ?

It's all very well to say 'be really sweet to her' or ' rub her nose in it that it is your wedding day and show her how happy you are' but I think that is not the way a bride wants to behave on her wedding day.
I would put my foot down and say she is not coming.

topknob · 01/10/2012 22:46

I was excluded from a works wedding when I was 18, many years ago as the bride (who had never spoken to me) didn't like me, but I worked with the OH everyday...everyone else was invited. I so took the upper hand when I turned her dh down a few months after they got married !

Leena49 · 02/10/2012 04:49

Methinks he doth protest too much! Deleted texts! Alarm bells are ringing!

FellatioNelson · 02/10/2012 05:05

Turn this on its head - how would you feel if he started laying down the law about who you could invite out of your work colleagues, based not on how you get a long with them, but how he does?

It will be such a busy day with so many people to see that you will barely even notice she's there. It won't spoil your day unless you allow yourself to blow it all out of proportion.

I'm wondering now if the reason you didn't click with her is that you secretly already resented/felt threatened by his friendship with her?

FellatioNelson · 02/10/2012 05:06

OK, must say I haven't yet read the whole thread - just seen the post above about deleted texts.....

LucyBorgia · 02/10/2012 05:31

I'm with morethanpotatoprints. She's flirting her ass off and your dp is flattered. He thinks he is completely loyal to you and is naively ignoring the bigger implications of all this. She sounds very dangerous to me. Your dp needs a reality check.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/10/2012 07:40

Hang on, tobknob, you were excluded from a wedding where the bride ( i presume relayed by the groom) gave the excuse she didn't like you though she'd not met you? Then later he made a pass at you? I'm assuming the actual reason then is he didn't want you there CIA he fancied you, or she didn't cos she'd picked up that you did.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/10/2012 07:40

CIA=cos

OrangeFireandGoldashes · 02/10/2012 08:09

I wouldn't be too reassured by the "she's weird-looking/shit at her job" comments. Sounds as though he knows he's been a bit too in-your-face with all the Jane stories and is back-pedalling. He may even want to believe that's what he thinks, while his gut (or some part of his lower anatomy) is telling him different.

The mentionitis was a huge red flag for me, and the change to his views on wanting his other colleagues invited is another one.

It IS possible to have male-female friendships with no attraction involved, but IME they are rarer than the so-called friendships which are actually flirtations/one-sided fancyings. Sadly it sounds as though this is the latter at best.

YouOldSlag · 02/10/2012 08:15

I'm wondering now if the reason you didn't click with her is that you secretly already resented/felt threatened by his friendship with her?

Having read the whole thread, I think she had good reason! There's a lot more the OP has said that makes this more than just about whether a female colleague should come to the wedding.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 02/10/2012 08:35

Honestly I didn't know they were apparently such good friends before so I can honestly say I didn't feel threatened til his reaction the other night. I was totally expecting him to just say "yeah I see your point, we won't invite her all day". Its what he would have said a few months ago.

Him mentioning her a lot was always in the back of my mind but I kept telling myself that he talks about his other colleagues too so no different but I know if i'm sat there everytime knowing he will mention her name then obviously it bothers me.

Had a chat about it last night. He says i'm being paranoid. He said i'm right and he doesn't want to invite her all day but it would have been awkward for him at work if he didn't. I've told him she can come in the evening and thats it. He says nothing going on, no attraction, no flirting, nothing. All in my head. He can't understand why I don't like her and thinks i'm being stupid and paranoid for no good reason. So thats that.

OP posts:
sugarice · 02/10/2012 08:47

I don't think you're paranoid, something has flicked your switch with regard to this woman.

Floggingmolly · 02/10/2012 08:49

Why would it be awkward at work if he didn't invite her, when he happily bumped several other "good friends" from work off the list?

Original poster
lamenamechange · 02/10/2012 09:21

In the end he just got pissed off at me. Told me I should get over it and stop going on when all I was doing was discussing it so it doesn't cause any problems in future.

Said he's given me no reasons to feel the way I do and not liking her for no reason is a bit ridiculous. He says he is not attracted to her in that way but he's quite happy to be friends with her. Said he will never ever do anything to hurt or upset me.

I don't mind him having her as a friend but maybe now he will shut up about her!

OP posts:
CandiStaton · 02/10/2012 09:28

but he didnt like her either did he? so how can he not understand why you dont like her...given that you havent spent time with her, to change your mind Confused

And, he is doing something to hurt and upset you, so thats a fib!

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 02/10/2012 10:52

He's being rather dismissive of your feelings.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 02/10/2012 10:52

And offensive calling you stupid! Is he always so rude to you?

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 02/10/2012 11:03

OP, my husband went through a stage of mentioning one colleague all the time. It made me feel very uncomfortable. The difference though is that he genuinely didn't realise what a plank he was being. When I eventually told him, he was completely mortified and really upset at the effect his, entirely innocent, behaviour was having on me. They still work really closely together and everything is fine. To me, it's all in the reaction.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 02/10/2012 11:30

The thing is I know his reaction is probably also my fault. He has many many times accused me of wanting to be with other men and after a while I reacted similarly. It did piss me off that he trusted me so little and had no faith in me and I did reach breaking point with it all and snapped Sad. He says i'm a hypocrite for saying he reacted badly when really I should understand how he feels having been there myself. He says that alone should show it is entirely innocent.

A few months ago he would have listened to me, reassured me I was wrong and would have never got mad at me. He is usually very caring and considerate of my feelings, like I said he ALWAYS used to put me and my feelings above everything.

And to those who asked about our children, they are 2.4 and 8 months.

OP posts:
SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 02/10/2012 11:32

So something HAS changed? :(

CandiStaton · 02/10/2012 11:39

He has many many times accused me of wanting to be with other men

^^THIS is a big red flag

i s he quite controlling OP?

YouOldSlag · 02/10/2012 11:47

he should be labelling you stupid and paranoid, he should be putting your mind at rest and being reassuring. he also seems to be putting words in your mouth:

He says i'm a hypocrite for saying he reacted badly when really I should understand how he feels having been there myself. He says that alone should show it is entirely innocent.

He is sounding manipulative and defensive and not very kind.

I also agree with floggingMolly- how come it would be awkward not to have Jane at the whole thing but not awkward to have dumped four colleagues form the list altogether?

Another thing I am wondering at- this Jane woman has only known him 7 months, which doesn't give her an automatic wedding invite over family and cousins and long-standing friends!

YouOldSlag · 02/10/2012 11:50

Sorry- big Typo- He should NOT be labelling you stupid and paranoid!

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