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Original poster

To not invite this woman to my wedding?

210 replies

lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 11:21

Obviously namechanged for this. Sorry if its long or doesn't make sense, I am on my phone!

Having a chat with dp last night about our upcoming nuptials and who he was planning on inviting from his work. The whole company only has about 15 employees and he works closely everyday with 7 of them. He has been there nearly 2 years, only two others have been in his team longer than that, the rest he has known less than a year. I have met the older employees a few times and really like them, newer ones only met once.

Anyway he really wants to invite one woman who I really did not click with at all. I have no problem with him having female friends or inviting women, the two other females I really like. I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues.

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

Anyway am I being ridiculous? Should I just suck it up and admit i'm being stupid and have her there to make dp happy or should I be feeling uncomfortable on my wedding day?

Am I being a paranoid freak?

OP posts:
pictish · 01/10/2012 13:16

Oh right - well I didn't think she did, I was paraphrasing.

sugarice · 01/10/2012 13:19

Hang on ,he said you were lucky to have someone as loyal as him! Shock. Does he talk to you like this often OP?

NotaDisneyMum · 01/10/2012 13:21

It sounds like they have grown close; "best friendships" are better kept out of the workplace imo, especially if that is the only place the friends actually meet!

It sounds like his boss might have been trying to subtly tip you off about their behaviour - I'm sure his colleagues are all gossiping about them, even if they are just friends.

Perhaps he is flattered by her attention, perhaps it is something more -but whatever it is, his reaction to you was totally unacceptable. Is he going to call you a mean and horrible person every time you disagree with him about someone? Do you really want to go into married life knowing that unless you share your DP's opinions about people you both know, he will insult you? Why can't you openly discuss your feelings about someone with your DP without fear of reprisal and judgement?

skateboarder · 01/10/2012 13:23

Why would you want work colleagues at your wedding at all if numbers are limited? If you are inviting everyone (yours and his colleagues) to the night do, can you not just leave it at that?
The fact he mentions her a lot is little concerning though tbh.

CandiStaton · 01/10/2012 13:24

it sounds suspicious to me

and as you are not a jealous type, i would trust your instincts on this

how long until the wedding?

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 13:31

He didn't take too kindly to being told e talks about her all the time, ut he really does. I know if something has happened at work and he's telling me i'm automatically thinking oh this is about *Jane and lo and behold it is, EVERY BLOODY TIME!

Like he is going out wit them all this weekend. I asked how he was getting there and back and he says he was going to get a lift with her dad? She lives miles away from me and is not even coming past our house on the way! Not sure why he can't get the bus or taxi like everybody else but never mind, thats up to him.

He wants to invite some work colleagues as he is with them 9-5, 5 days a week and is obviously close to some of them. The other two women he doesn't want to invite and now he is saying he won't invite two other men because last night he said he wasn't as close to them as he was her so now he can't invite them?

Tbh i couldn't give a shit now, he can invite whoever he wants as long as i'm looking beautiful and nice then who cares? Although i don't think she would care if she wasn't invited. I will next see her at his xmas party, maybe i will try and warm to her then Hmm.

Yes he does think he is lucky to have me and tells me quite often. He says he couldn't be more loyal if he tried, he doesn't do anythin that would make me not trust him because he wouldn't want me to feel crap and he make a special effort with it. Not sure why i feel the way i do then.

OP posts:
Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 13:32

*Disclaimer- real name not Jane Grin

OP posts:
sugarice · 01/10/2012 13:40

Always trust your gut instinct!

Mumofjz · 01/10/2012 13:43

personally i would let her come and make sure your there, by his side when he speaks with her. Tell her it's lovely that she was able to come to YOUR wedding and thank her for any gifts then don't move away until your husband does (and give him a cheeky grip of the arse) if you see them on the dance floor/by the bar/anywhere....go over to them and say , with a glint in the eye "thanks for looking after my husband but i'm going to steal him a way from you now". Make a big deal that this is yours and his wedding day if it makes you feel better.

Jealousy is never a good thing but sometimes it just can't be helped. I've always found that is someone talks alot about someone (either male or female) and the things they do where you're not involved, it usually means that there is a connection, whether it be a physical one or mental. I totally agree with VIVIPRU

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 13:48

OP - sorry if i've got this wrong but i thought you said he didnt see her out of work. But they're going out together this weekend?

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 13:50

Oh and also

yes, i would soooo make myself unbareably sugery sweet when you meet her. If there's anything you know about her that's not so wonderful i'd bring up how much your DP has told you about this and how sorry you are to hear about it too

JustFabulous · 01/10/2012 13:51

He makes a "special effort" to be loyal and trustworthy.

ShockShockShock

MOST people who love someone don't need to make any affort with loyalty and trust.

LadyJH · 01/10/2012 13:54

If I have any doubts at all about her intentions I would bloody well invite her to the wedding. She will see you both making your vows, completely in love and you looking bloody fabulous dahling.

Mumofjz · 01/10/2012 14:00

And just to throw an iron in the coals so to speak.....i had a friend who got married and had invited her male friend to the whole do (who she did have a massive crush on) her girlfiends all knew how she felt. Two weeks after the hoonymoon she left the groom as the "friend" expressed to her that he was inlove with her and seeing her on her wedding day betroving to love only one man and that not being him, he couldn't walk away!!!!!

play close attention to them when you see them together

YouOldSlag · 01/10/2012 14:12

The fact he's dropping the other colleagues from his list is ringing alarm bells with me. It's gone from "inviting lots of colleagues to narrowing it right down so she is invited all day and they are not even coming to the evening.

He may not be having an affair but she is looming very large in his life, isn't she?

LesleyPumpshaft · 01/10/2012 14:17

I would be completely pissed off if my DP was placing some woman he had worked with for 7 months over me on my wedding day. I take it you would show him more consideration if the tables were turned OP?

ViviPru · 01/10/2012 14:23

YouOldSlag echoes my sentiments entirely in light of your recent posts.

OnwardBound · 01/10/2012 14:26

I have to say that alarm bells are also ringing for me.

That your DF called you "horrible and nasty" for expressing a preference for female work colleague not to attend your wedding.

For his constant references to her, his socialising with her outside of work hours, DF deleting messages from her, his calling her his "best friend" [wtf!], his assurances of loyalty which actually couldn't sound less reassuring as he is trying too hard to convince you of the fact..

It may not be that he has actually crossed the line into affair territory yet... but I think he is on dangerous ground.

And it seems to me as if others have noticed his attraction to work colleague, what with his boss telling you DF couldn't keep his eyes off her in her short skirt. Was the boss purely stirring or might he be trying to give you the heads up that there is something here you need to take seriously?

One or two of these incidents might not mean very much, but putting them all together makes me suspect your DFs interest in his colleague is not purely platonic.

Sorry, but I think the two of you need to sit down and have a frank and honest discussion about all this Sad

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 01/10/2012 14:27

Uh ohhh

Mentionitis.... Envy

I wish i had been on here before i found out about DP cheating with his 'best friend' and his best friends' ExW.
Yes they do bloody chat about them all the time. I heard nothing but their fucking names all the time. And a couple of others.

Being invited to your wedding isn't anything but a diversionary tactic IMVHO
DP invited his slag for a cuppa just after i gave birth to Ds2, i can only assume while i was off making the cuppa they would have been snogging in my living room thinking it was all very fucking funny.

I would have words.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 14:28

Just spoken to him on his lunch break, he wouldn't shut up about it! I said he can invite whoever he wants but he said he doesn't want her there all day and she can come in the evening like everybody else.

He admits he overreacted but it was at the accusation that he couldn't be trusted not because he cares about her.

They do not usually socialise outside of work but a big group of them going out this weekend.

OP posts:
CandiStaton · 01/10/2012 14:32

He admits he overreacted but it was at the accusation that he couldn't be trusted not because he cares about her

it didnt sound that way at all TBH Hmm

do you believe him?

CandiStaton · 01/10/2012 14:33

quote

I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues

Mumofjz · 01/10/2012 14:37

DON'T back down, agree she is now NOT invited to day and it stays like that

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/10/2012 14:39

Do you believe him when he says he thought you were suggesting you didn't trust him? Why would he have leapt to that conclusion when you specifically said it was because you didn't much like her?

sugarice · 01/10/2012 14:41

So he's been at work today and has changed his mind and actually isn't that bothered about her coming despite being fairly insistent last night that she should as she was one of his best friends? Hmm..