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Original poster

To not invite this woman to my wedding?

210 replies

lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 11:21

Obviously namechanged for this. Sorry if its long or doesn't make sense, I am on my phone!

Having a chat with dp last night about our upcoming nuptials and who he was planning on inviting from his work. The whole company only has about 15 employees and he works closely everyday with 7 of them. He has been there nearly 2 years, only two others have been in his team longer than that, the rest he has known less than a year. I have met the older employees a few times and really like them, newer ones only met once.

Anyway he really wants to invite one woman who I really did not click with at all. I have no problem with him having female friends or inviting women, the two other females I really like. I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues.

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

Anyway am I being ridiculous? Should I just suck it up and admit i'm being stupid and have her there to make dp happy or should I be feeling uncomfortable on my wedding day?

Am I being a paranoid freak?

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 01/10/2012 16:23

Oh poor you OP. I don't think you should be worrying about the guest list, I think you should be worrying about whether you should marry him. The more you reveal, the worse it gets.

I could never enjoy a marriage that started with so many question marks.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 01/10/2012 16:25

I know all DP's PW's and the minute THEY get changed HE gets changed.

I don't check any more.

But i will admit when i see the name of a site on here, i will go and check that he wasn't registered on there and while i do, i feel trembly and sick. Its always a relief that he isn't on it/them.

He sounds now as if he's doing a complete 360 and imo you have voiced concern and he has spoken to bitchchops and its pushed them underground.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:26

I have come to the same conclusion slag hehe writing slag did cheer me up a bit then though

He's back in an hour, we will chat when the dc's are in bed.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 01/10/2012 16:27

No wonder you're low on confidence right now Sad

Sounds like you've had trust issues before - if you've agreed to move on from them and make you're relationship work, he should be more sensitive than usual to situations which could be perceived to be testing this.

Unless he's doing it on purpose on some level, subconsciously testing you by your reaction to the Jane situation knowing what's happened in your past together. Why would he be doing that?

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:27

I said about the passwords in a text this morning and he text me back straight away with them. I haven't checked any of it though.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 01/10/2012 16:30

As an aside, when we first got together, DP was cagey about letting me know the password he used for everything, turns out it was his ex's name! Ha! Grin

CandiStaton · 01/10/2012 16:31

are you having doubts about marrying him? Sad

akaemmafrost · 01/10/2012 16:33

I think he fancies her but she is not interested in him. Sorry but that's how it sounds. I would feel second best and I don't think I would be marrying him.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:34

Thats the thing I never have had ANY trust issues before, never.

Yes saw his ex behind my back but we had only been seeing eachother a few weeks and we weren't serious. He only went to see her baby but I had to read about it all on msn months later. It did hurt because he was really dismissing our relationship as nothing but I know he can't stand his ex and no longer talks to her (his choice) so not bothered.

The online thing happened before we were together but they were still friends when we met. He said they had only ever been friends, well til I saw messages from him telling her how in love with her he was and her saying the same. He was young and naive and was before we met but I was still annoyed he lied.

He isn't the womanising type and I do believe he wouldn't cheat on me. I do trust him so not sure why i'm feeling so uneasy.

OP posts:
Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:36

I told him this morning I am having doubts about all of it. Not just from this either.

OP posts:
fuckadoodlepoopoo · 01/10/2012 16:37

Id be concerned. Lot of alarms going off there.

I used to work somewhere where one employee got married, a man. He invited his favourite colleagues, one of whom he was having an affair with! She watched them get married! He even sent her bunches of flowers from his honeymoon! He was an ugly shit as well (you mentioned he's not a looker earlier, personally i think that's irrelevant and you shouldn't be reassured by that.)

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 16:39

The more i'm reading, the more i'm feeling stressed for you OP!

How long have you got before the wedding? You mentioned meeting her at the xmas do as if that would be before the wedding. Does this mean you have a bit of time and breathing space?

I think in your shoes i'd just have to be honest with him and say i'm sorry, but i'm bloody jealous and suspicious of this woman - and then tell him why. Whts wrong with being honest?

It's a phrase that's bandied around her on MN allot about 'showing someone who you are' by your behaviour ... well - you canthelp who you are and how you feel. It's his job to reasure you isn't it? I don't think there's been many, if any, posts here sauing you're being silly about how you feel.

He's being an insensitive knob!

ViviPru · 01/10/2012 16:42

Ok so the things in the past seem pretty innocuous.

Sounds as simple as he has a silly crush on Jane but knows nothing's going to come of it so that makes it 'innocent'.

Do you think basis of the fall out when he changed all his passwords has much to do with what's going on now?

Does the time around which he 'changed' coincide with when his previously negative views towards Jane changed?

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:42

I do think he might fancy her but he was not happy about me saying that.

I told him he was naive if he thought he could never be attracted to anybody else which is what he claims. He says she is weird looking and that he thinks another colleague (one he can't stand) is much better looking.

But deep down I think he does which is fine, we can all look but not touch!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 01/10/2012 16:44

If I were you, I'd be reconsidering the whole idea of marrying this man at all. I think you posting about 'Jane' is a bit of a red herring and what you are really doing here is getting some impartial points of view on the whole nature of this relationship, generally.

It's not looking good, imo. The more you post about him, the worse he sounds.

You didn't say anything wrong to your df, nothing you need to apologise for. Maybe I'm unusual, but I think that the people coming to a wedding should like (and be liked by), both bride and groom.

His reaction way way ott. The way I would view it is that he had a choice of upsetting this woman by not inviting her, or upsetting you, his fiancee and the supposed love of his life. He chose to upset you. That speaks volumes to me.

I would postpone the wedding, because I can see you back here in a years time, posting about how your dh has been shagging his colleague at work.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/10/2012 16:45

You are far too accommodating. Do you really want someone that your dp fancies, to be at your wedding?

fedupofnamechanging · 01/10/2012 16:46

Also, no one ever believes their dh is going to cheat - until they do!

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:50

He protests that he doesn't find her attractive though.

I will wait til after the weekend, i'm sure there will be lots of photos of them all out together. Tbh i've only ever seen them together once and we had our children with us at the time.

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/10/2012 16:54

Sorry to keep harping back to the boss's wife's comment, but are you saying she said to you that your DP (the operations manager) said 'is it wrong that I keep getting distracted by Jane's short skirt'

Or is someone else the operations manager?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/10/2012 16:55

And about the passwords - he changed them when you 'fell out'.

What did you fall out over?

He was afraid of you doing something 'nasty or stupid' - have you done anything 'nasty or stupid' before?

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:55

Somebody else is the operations manager. My dp didn't say anything about her skirt, well that i'm aware of. He was sat next to me when the boss' wife was telling me though.

OP posts:
Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:57

Nope never done anything nasty or stupid before so I was really confused about him saying that.

Can't remember what we fell out about, it was a few months ago now.

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/10/2012 16:59

Why does he keep insinuating you're about to do/be something (nasty/stupid/jealous/distrustful) when you have no history of doing so?

If you have really never been malicious, or jealous, I would suspect he was projecting his guilty conscience.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 01/10/2012 17:01

Why would falling out prompt him to change his passwords? Unless it was about a trust issue?

fedupofnamechanging · 01/10/2012 17:01

He's not going to tell you that he finds her attractive, and actually people have affairs with the most unlikely fuck ugly candidates.

So far, he's lied to you about his interactions with other women, deliberately changed passwords, so you don't know them, completely overreacted to your suggestion that he not invite Jane to your wedding, has changed as a person from when you first knew him and is deliberately arranging lifts with her for this night out, which changes things form them just being out as part of the same group.

Other people have noticed his behaviour or are aware of Jane, to the point that they have brought this to your attention.

If you were reading this about someone else, what conclusions would you be drawing?