Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this woman to my wedding?

210 replies

lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 11:21

Obviously namechanged for this. Sorry if its long or doesn't make sense, I am on my phone!

Having a chat with dp last night about our upcoming nuptials and who he was planning on inviting from his work. The whole company only has about 15 employees and he works closely everyday with 7 of them. He has been there nearly 2 years, only two others have been in his team longer than that, the rest he has known less than a year. I have met the older employees a few times and really like them, newer ones only met once.

Anyway he really wants to invite one woman who I really did not click with at all. I have no problem with him having female friends or inviting women, the two other females I really like. I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues.

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

Anyway am I being ridiculous? Should I just suck it up and admit i'm being stupid and have her there to make dp happy or should I be feeling uncomfortable on my wedding day?

Am I being a paranoid freak?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 01/10/2012 12:27

Thinking about it OP, it'd probably do everyone good for her to be present on the one day when you're looking more amazing than you ever have before, while you and DP are making solemn vows to be faithful to each other as long as you live... hammer it home a bit as it were?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 01/10/2012 12:33

(What is "mentionitis"?)

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 12:35

God even reading it all back i can see how ridiculous i sound!

Probably doesn't help that i am low on confidence right now, for many reasons.

I text dp apologising and said he can invite whichever friend he wants. He said his reaction was because he was annoyed that i don't trust him, which isn't true. I trust him completely, i just don't like her and that was my issue.

I have to invite her now, as he has pointed out i am inviting my cousins gf as i don't want to upset him even though she does not like me and the feelings are very mutual. I obviously don't want to upset my dp so there we go.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 01/10/2012 12:37

Mentionitis is when suddenly every anecdote/story someone tells you features the name of a specific person.

My friends and I always used to laugh about this when we were younger as it was the easiest way of telling when someone fancied someone.

sugarice · 01/10/2012 12:39

You don't sound ridiculous at all, I'm sure a few of us here would be exactly the same!

You'll look beautiful on your day, good luck. Smile

marshmallowpies · 01/10/2012 12:41

Definitely seems a bit odd suddenly claiming a colleague of a few months standing is a close enough friend to come to the full wedding day...and he already has more friends coming than you do? Seems like it's already balanced in his favour.

However you do have to consider the long-term implications of a non-invite - DH and I had an acquaintance from our circle of friends who neither of us particularly like, so we agreed not to invite him. I thought at the time 'oh well I don't see him often anyway so it doesn't matter' - but the non-inviting sends a very clear message saying 'I don't like you' and now when I have bumped into him things are really awkward between us, which is going to affect other friends as well as us. I should have just played it safe and invited him to the evening for the sake of the wider friendship group.

In your case, though, this guest would still be coming to the evening anyway, wouldn't she?

On the other hand, I've been a victim of Mentionitis too...exP had a work colleague who said all the funniest things, was the most entertaining, the weirdest thing happened to her yesterday, you'll never guess what she said, etc etc. Nothing romantic happened between them but it still felt like she was taking over from me as exP's closest female friend/confidant. She drove a wedge between us without there being any adultery on the cards...and it still bloody hurt to see myself being supplanted by her.

YellowDinosaur · 01/10/2012 12:42

YANBU to not wabbits woman there but I think you are doing the right thing that your dh to be can choose the friends her invites.

Yabu however to invite a cousins girlfriend who doesn't like you when you have limited numbers!

And it is unreasonable that your dh has many more guests than you unless there it's a good reason such as his family being much bigger than yours. If he had more friends there and you are not inviting any work colleagues to the whole day it wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him that given that he has more guests than you and you need to reduce numbers that he will need to find those to cut from his list.

YellowDinosaur · 01/10/2012 12:43

Wabbits? Ffs! want this

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 01/10/2012 12:43

Hi lame I think people were a bit harsh on you as your DH asked for your opinion on cutting back his list of invitees, you gave a reasonable answer and he called you nasty and horrid - I hope he has apologised for that, by the way as it seems really unkind.

Why does he have more guests than you?

porcamiseria · 01/10/2012 12:44

OP I think what vivipru said is spot on

its like a bromance, but with a woman! and I think your DF is being naive in the xtreme here, BUT I dont smell anything fishy

I think I agree with those that say invite her, and let her see you and him in love looking amazing. Its not worth having a massive row over

but do discuss it with him

I actually stopped a work friendship, as I knew my DP did not like it. He made one comment and I thought "hang about" he has a point.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 01/10/2012 12:46

WAHAHAHAHAHA at "wabbits"!

(sorry OP, not helpful with this comment!)

YouOldSlag · 01/10/2012 12:48

To make things simple, you should make a blanket rule that ALL colleagues come to the evening only. That way, he can invite her and she won't particularly stand out as someone he wanted there.

As an aside, we had a female friend of DH's come to the wedding as her and her DF were part of his larger circle. I wasn't keen on having her there but agreed because if we hadn't invited her, she would have read something into it i.e the bride was threatened or jealous. So we went ahead and invited her to the evening do with his other mates.

When she caught up with us, she threw her arms around DH and ignored me completely! Luckily my DH is wonderful and hasn't bothered with her since and could see she was really disrespectful of me. One nil to me I think.

YellowDinosaur · 01/10/2012 12:48

:o alliwant

Paiviaso · 01/10/2012 12:50

Reading your posts, if I were in your shoes I would be concerned their relationship was heading towards affair territory. The deleted texts, the talking about her daily, then the purposeful not mentioning her when talking about work because he knows he mentions her too much, the "best friend" title, and the mahoosive overeaction to your suggestion she be one of the cuts from your wedding list all made me go Hmm

But you don't seem worried, and you know your DF, so back to your original question:

If he had calmly explained that he spends more time at work with her than the other coworkers, and would like her to come, then you should let her come (s you have already said you now will). I'm unsure why you are a "nasty horrible person" for suggesting one of your cuts be someone who wasn't very nice to you. I think your DF has turned this into much more of a "thing" than it needed to be.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 12:54

He said iwbu with inviting my cousin's gf too but he is more like a brother to me than a cousin and this is his gf of 6 years and whom he has two children with. I can't not invite her can I?

And none of my work colleagues are coming all day, just in the evening but then he is closer to his than I am to mine.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/10/2012 12:54

I'd be concerned at him calling you a nasty, horrible person for this.

A major over reaction. I'd be wondering why?

pictish · 01/10/2012 12:55

I think you've done the right thing. It's his wedding too, and she's his friend. You don't have to like the same people.

If my dh had told me a friend of mine wasn't welcome at the wedding because he didn't like them, I'd have been really pissed off.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 01/10/2012 12:59

But Pictish OP didn't say that.

OP unless you are generally not inviting spouses of family members, you should invite your cousin's GF, given the nature of their relationship.

pictish · 01/10/2012 13:00

The OP didn't say what?

ENormaSnob · 01/10/2012 13:01

I would be very wary of this friendship tbh.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 13:05

I don't think anything will happen romantically. He is very loyal to me, well to quote him "i am VERY lucky to have somebody as loyal as him" and whilst she is attractive, he kind of isn't. I don't mean that in a nasty way but young, pretty women are gernerally attracted to the same yeah? He is a hard working, ambitious and genuinely nice guy though so i can see why she would want to be friends with him. And obviouly knowing he is engaged its kind of a safe bet for her too.

OP posts:
Baaartimaeus · 01/10/2012 13:11

He says you're lucky to have him? Shock

I think I'm lucky to have DH and DH thinks he's lucky to have me...I would be a Hmm if DH told me I was lucky to have him!

LittleBairn · 01/10/2012 13:12

Wait he's telling YOU you are lucky to have someone loyal?
Personally when someone starts going on about how loyal they are I'm tempted to think they are protesting too much...

pictish · 01/10/2012 13:13

Oh so would I! Hmm

If I was told 'you're lucky to have me' I would laugh and laugh and laugh. And not with him, either.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 01/10/2012 13:15

Didn't say she "wasn't welcome" - just responded to a question that her DP asked.

But...does he also say he is lucky to have you, OP?