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Original poster

To not invite this woman to my wedding?

210 replies

lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 11:21

Obviously namechanged for this. Sorry if its long or doesn't make sense, I am on my phone!

Having a chat with dp last night about our upcoming nuptials and who he was planning on inviting from his work. The whole company only has about 15 employees and he works closely everyday with 7 of them. He has been there nearly 2 years, only two others have been in his team longer than that, the rest he has known less than a year. I have met the older employees a few times and really like them, newer ones only met once.

Anyway he really wants to invite one woman who I really did not click with at all. I have no problem with him having female friends or inviting women, the two other females I really like. I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues.

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

Anyway am I being ridiculous? Should I just suck it up and admit i'm being stupid and have her there to make dp happy or should I be feeling uncomfortable on my wedding day?

Am I being a paranoid freak?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/10/2012 14:46

Sounds like you've driven something underground, op. I'd be more concerned now, not less Sad

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 14:47

He says he means best friend at work as in person he gets along with best. Still...

I have never accused him of anything before. Yes i wasn't happy when he went to see his ex behind my back when we first got together nor was i over the moon about him having an online friend of which he lied to me about the nature of their relationship. But i got over these things as they were minor and nobody is perfect.

He was pretty pissed that i could maybe not trust him and apparently thinking that is nasty and horrible, not me as a person.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/10/2012 14:50

What was the nature of their relationship? (on-line friend). Not sounding great Hmm

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 14:55

OP - i'm sorry to seem like a nit picker, but i dont get how

I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

can be percieved as an " the accusation that he couldn't be trusted".

I'm nit picking with him here, not you. I think you're having the wool pulled over you eyes a bit with regards to his reasons for his reaction to this.

Or i've read the thread wrong (not impossible)

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 14:58

He says it's because she was the only person i said that about and she happened to be the first (and only) female he had mentioned. He said he didn't like what it was implying, that i didn't like her only because she is a woman and that must mean it'd dodgy.

I don't like her because she's a stuck up cow, nothing to do with her being friends with him.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 01/10/2012 15:05

You've got a perfect right to dislike someone lamename. Quite honestly i'd be sick of hearing her name at home too. Rightly or wrongly. (Tad inclined towards jealousy here)

So she's coming to the evening do only now. How are you feeling about that?

sugarice · 01/10/2012 15:06

When's the wedding OP?

CandiStaton · 01/10/2012 15:12

he really really isnt sounding like the most loyal and trustworthy man ever OP

when you wrote this, it made me Hmm;
He says he couldn't be more loyal if he tried

cant really pinpoint why...but you are either loyal or you're not, surely? I was gonna let it go because it seems so trivial but in light of your recent posts, i'm going to bring attention to it....

what do you think OP?

ViviPru · 01/10/2012 15:16

OP you can see why we're all a bit alarm bells at all this, especially with this sudden about turn, one minute she's one of his best friends and you're nasty and horrible to suggest leaving her out, next minute, he doesn't want her there all day anyway? Did you get your wires crossed in the first instance or has he just had a massive 360 on it? In which case, why would he do that?!

This just gets more and more questionable....

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/10/2012 15:22

OP the more you write the worse he comes off.

You know that, right? You are aware of it.

SomersetONeil · 01/10/2012 15:28

What accusation that you couldn't trust him...? Hmm You made no such accusation - nothing like that.

Rather interesting and telling that that's exactly how he's read it. Alarm bells here too, I'm afraid.

LesleyPumpshaft · 01/10/2012 15:29

Sorry, alarm bells here too.

SomersetONeil · 01/10/2012 15:30

Again - you don't dislike her only because she is a woman... Hmm

Man, he sure did choose a mahoosive old spade to dig himself his very own hole with, didn't he...?!

morethanpotatoprints · 01/10/2012 15:37

OP I agree with HoldMe

I hope there is nothing going on for your sake but it doesn't sound good. What rings alarm bells ffor me is

  1. His past, lying to you.
2 His initial reaction, to you not wanting her there.
  1. He talks about her all the time.
  2. He hasn't known her long, and she is supposedly his best friend.

Please OP be sure of how you feel, and what you believe before going through with this wedding.
I think even if a person isn't suspicious of their df it is wise to ask yourself this anyway. My biggest concern for you is that maybe this woman has got under his skin and he isn't fully aware of it. Sometimes the most experienced man doesn't always see this. They can be a bit stupid at times, lol.

YouOldSlag · 01/10/2012 15:50

OP, I really feel for you. Here's where I would have a big issue pre wedding.

  1. he was texting "Jane" from work within a week of knowing her.
  2. He deleted a text from her in case you read it.
  3. He is being very defensive.
  4. He has started off making it a general work invitation then gradually cut down the other people from work who are coming - is he afraid of them gossiping?
  5. His boss said he was distracted by "Jane's" short skirt.
  6. Earlier in your relationship he saw his ex behind your back- he obviously is able to lie to you about stuff.
  7. He had an inappropriate on-line relationship with someone.
  8. He insulted you when you expressed your dislike of "Jane"
  9. He has referred to "Jane" as his "best friend".

I'm sorry, but in your lovely shoes, I would be thinking "I deserve to start married life with no doubts and with total faith in someone"

And it's not him.

Mumofjz · 01/10/2012 15:57

I think he likes her, would go as far to say he probably fancies her and enjoys her company and whether or not the feelings are mutual, he will now know that maybe your onto him and that's why he's back tracking

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/10/2012 16:02

Could you just clarify the boos comment?

Did he say 'Jane wore a short skirt and [your DP] found it hard to concentrate'
or 'Jane wore a short skirt and I (the boss) found it hard to concentrate'.

Feckin' unprofessional either way!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 01/10/2012 16:03

boos comment? I mean boss comment!

Mayisout · 01/10/2012 16:11

If you are discussing wedding guests does that mean invites are not out yet?

If you have alot of months between now and wedding can you hold back for a bit?

Does the work colleague have a DH or DP or is she single and on the look out?

DP sounds a bit naive or thick. As if now that he is committed to you he can flirt around a bit quite innocently.

The long trip round to get to the weekend do so they can go together is a bit suspect. Good grief, you see someone every day at work for possibly hours on end/lunchtime etc then you need to see more of them by travelling together to the do. Maybe she said ' I don't like entering parties on my own' or some such and DP is being gallant but it seems fishy to me.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:13

I don't mind her coming in the evening with the rest of his colleagues, would be a bit unfair to exclude her then I guess. I do find it a bit strange that now one of the men he has always been close to he no longer wants to invite, at one point he wanted him to do our photography so a bit confused there.

It was actually the boss' wife (managing director) who said it which makes it all very strange! She was saying about how "jane" is very much the girly girl in the office and how the operations manager had said and I quote "is it wrong that i'm getting distracted by Jane's short skirt". Dp didn't say it and when I mentioned it last night he said it doesn't do anything for him. Said if he fancied her he would say. Yeah right!

OP posts:
ViviPru · 01/10/2012 16:13

OP get it all off your chest. You've NCd, you may as well spill your whole beans here... what's going on with all this do you reckon?

ViviPru · 01/10/2012 16:14

sorry xposted

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:15

She is single afaik.

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 01/10/2012 16:17

She was saying about how "jane" is very much the girly girl in the office and how the operations manager had said and I quote "is it wrong that i'm getting distracted by Jane's short skirt".

That sounds to me like she is trying (without dropping herself in it) to warn you about "jane" and flag to you that she may be a threat.

I also wonder if his male friends have told him to stop making a fool of himself, he's at risk of blowing everything with you etc etc but he won't listen so is distancing himself from them instead.
If they are as close as you say they are, then his colleagues will be gossiping - even if it is perfectly innocent.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 16:18

We also used to have a very open relationship, we shared everything. Knew passwords to eachothers facebook, email etc but then we fell out and he instantly changed them. Said he didn't want me doing anything nasty or stupid.

Things have changed, he has changed. Whether that is because of someone else I don't know.

OP posts: