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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this woman to my wedding?

210 replies

lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 11:21

Obviously namechanged for this. Sorry if its long or doesn't make sense, I am on my phone!

Having a chat with dp last night about our upcoming nuptials and who he was planning on inviting from his work. The whole company only has about 15 employees and he works closely everyday with 7 of them. He has been there nearly 2 years, only two others have been in his team longer than that, the rest he has known less than a year. I have met the older employees a few times and really like them, newer ones only met once.

Anyway he really wants to invite one woman who I really did not click with at all. I have no problem with him having female friends or inviting women, the two other females I really like. I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues.

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

Anyway am I being ridiculous? Should I just suck it up and admit i'm being stupid and have her there to make dp happy or should I be feeling uncomfortable on my wedding day?

Am I being a paranoid freak?

OP posts:
Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 17:03

I have no idea and is something I will be asking him when he gets home in a bit.

I will come back and update later but he really doesn't like me airing anything on mumsnet (usual nest of vipers shite) so might not be around til tomorrow.

Thanks ladies, I have lots of things to ask!

OP posts:
orchidee · 01/10/2012 17:05

OP- if the conversation had been reversed and your partner said her rather you didn't invite someone as he dud.t get on with them, what would you have thought? I'm guessing you'd have asked why your partner didn't like the other person, you'd have wanted to know why in case the other person had been unpleasant to your partner and you'd have put your partner first.

I have had a v close relationship with a male at work (actually several over the years as I work in a mostly male environment) but each time, I've made a concerted effort to ensure the friend's girlfriend knows I am not a threat. I think this would be usual as let's face it, we all know male/female friendships can be questioned by others.

Also it sounds like this female coworker enjoys her position as the young, attractive female if the office. No offense intended but she's probably quite happy to flirt with men at work that she wouldn't look at if she saw them in a bar. Somd people just like to be fancied.

From what I've read here, I think your partner is acting strangely- turning your mention of not liking her into a comment on his trustworthiness etc.

sugarice · 01/10/2012 17:05

You say he's changed in your post at 16.18, did the change happen when he started working with this woman?

orchidee · 01/10/2012 17:09

I so agree the bosses wife may have been trying to give you a gentle alert about *Jane.

That whole business though makes it sound like your partner works in a very sexist environment. For the ops manager to say that to the bosses wife!

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 17:14

I do like all of his colleagues that I know and I do think the skirt comment may have been tongue in cheek. Still I wouldn't have been happy if dp said it and the ops manager is a married man twice her age!

He didn't even like this woman at the start and even now says she is shit at her job!

OP posts:
XiCi · 01/10/2012 17:21

The main things I get fron your posts are

  1. He fancies her and I think you know this, youre posting here because you have no idea what to do about it
  2. You sound lovely, and he sounds like a knob. The way he spoke to you was horrible. Youre not lucky to have him, he's very lucky to have you. Re-read your posts and try and look at them form an objective viewpoint
  3. Do you really want to marry someone who fancies someone else. Is that what you had hoped for for your wedding day, and what sort of start to married life would that be?
Hope you sort things out OP and get the answers you need
SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 01/10/2012 17:21

I think the problem here OP is that alarm bells are ringing for you to, but you don't really want to hear them which is why you're in turmoil. I don't know what the answer is but I really feel for you.

Xales · 01/10/2012 17:31

Wow that phrase the best defense is a good offense is spot on with your other half isn't it! Sad

You say something or you fall out and you get accused of accusing him of cheating, you are a nasty horrible person (why is he marrying you then?!?!), that you won't find anyone who tries to be as loyal as he does (nice threat!) and that he has changed his passwords because you may do nasty stuff.

He has turned everything back on you to be your fault!

morethanpotatoprints · 01/10/2012 17:31

I think contrary to some that your dp is not the one with the crush, that its jane. I think maybe dp could be very flattered.
Exactly the same happened to me and I'm going to be completely truthful. My dh has always been faithful but a 19 year old Sweedish Au Pair threw herself at him. She manipulated situations etc and dh didn't even see it. I know it sounds corney but he didn't. It ended up that she invited him in for coffee she was a singer in his band. She stripped naked, made a play for him at which time dh told her to put her clothes back on as he had enough sex at home thanks. It took me ages to get over it as I blamed him for putting himself in that situation. Even though nothing was going on I later found out that people were talking as they ccould see her openly flirting. All I'm saying is it might not be him doing the chasing.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/10/2012 17:37

Sorry also meant to say though that if this is the case he needs to wake up, or have somebody to wake him up. I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't understand why he talks about trying to be faithful. I don't think its something you try to do, you either are or aren't

Floggingmolly · 01/10/2012 17:38

You mentioned your children, op. How long have you actually been together?
I'd find it bloody weird if my DH changed all his passwords because we'd "fallen out" (not sure how serious a row it was).

scarletforya · 01/10/2012 18:00

Red flags all over the shop OP. I'd be crackin' heads, figuratively speaking of course. Hmm

LizLemon007 · 01/10/2012 18:04

I think yabu. These are his colleagues and he obviously knows which combination of colleagues he can invite without causing ructions.

You wouldn't want him to tell you not to invite one colleague if it would make you look like a beeotch.

peterrabbitismyfriend · 01/10/2012 18:09

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

SammyTheSwedishSquirrel · 01/10/2012 18:11

peterrabbit I was thinking the same but didn't want to say in case I got told off. Blush

Mumofjz · 01/10/2012 18:15

But then if you didn't like someone you wouldn't want to spend time with them let alone your wedding day and spend god knows how much money for there meal etc!!

Mumofjz · 01/10/2012 18:34

And would agree that there is almost certainly a underlying attraction somewhere when it's opposit sex friends.

YouOldSlag · 01/10/2012 18:36

Xales- you are right.

LizLennon- if you read the OP's subsequent posts on this thread, this is becoming so much more than about whether he should invite his colleague to the wedding.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 01/10/2012 18:42

Oooh, gosh, OP, this is flashing big red flags for me, I'm afraid. Can you re-read the thread and try (probably really hard) to look at it objectively or imagine your friend was tellng you all this? If it was me in your position, I'd have to be having a long think about whether I wanted to marry someone like this.

LizLemon007 · 01/10/2012 18:49

YouOldSlag, yeh duly noted. Have spent ten minutes reading the thread and I'm up to speed now.

AmberLeaf · 01/10/2012 18:50

Wow red flags all over this.

Seriously its text book, when I first started reading the mentionitis was the first thing that made me think hmmm.

I don't think anything will happen romantically. He is very loyal to me, well to quote him "i am VERY lucky to have somebody as loyal as him" and whilst she is attractive, he kind of isn't. I don't mean that in a nasty way but young, pretty women are gernerally attracted to the same yeah? He is a hard working, ambitious and genuinely nice guy though so i can see why she would want to be friends with him. And obviouly knowing he is engaged its kind of a safe bet for her too

You are too trusting OP.

If he isn't up to something i'll eat my hat.

Crinkle77 · 01/10/2012 18:57

If there was something going on he would have to be a bit stupid to invite her to the wedding. Plus would she really want to come if they were having an affair

YouOldSlag · 01/10/2012 19:34

crinkle, yes but there may be something brewing, which is what it sounds like to me. A friendship that's become too close and is getting closer.

ZZZenAgain · 01/10/2012 20:21

am I right OP, that you and this man already live together and have dc together?

JustFabulous · 01/10/2012 20:23

I think the fact he has fallen out with his male friend is telling.

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