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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this woman to my wedding?

210 replies

lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 11:21

Obviously namechanged for this. Sorry if its long or doesn't make sense, I am on my phone!

Having a chat with dp last night about our upcoming nuptials and who he was planning on inviting from his work. The whole company only has about 15 employees and he works closely everyday with 7 of them. He has been there nearly 2 years, only two others have been in his team longer than that, the rest he has known less than a year. I have met the older employees a few times and really like them, newer ones only met once.

Anyway he really wants to invite one woman who I really did not click with at all. I have no problem with him having female friends or inviting women, the two other females I really like. I casually said well if you are trying to narrow it down I'd rather she didn't come as I personally don't like her, clash of personality etc.

His reaction really shocked me. Said I was a nasty horrible person if I wanted to leave her out and he would much rather she was there than some of his other colleagues.

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

Anyway am I being ridiculous? Should I just suck it up and admit i'm being stupid and have her there to make dp happy or should I be feeling uncomfortable on my wedding day?

Am I being a paranoid freak?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 01/10/2012 11:56

God OP, I know I'd feel exactly the same as you in your shoes.

Perhaps it's going to have to be a case of keeping your enemies closer on this one.

Are we talking about all-day invites or evening do?

ViviPru · 01/10/2012 11:59

Also, before this wedding invite issue arose, have you ever given him the impression you were not entirely enamoured with her?

scorpionne · 01/10/2012 12:00

I think the issue is more the nature of the friendship your DP has with this woman than the wedding invitation. DH invited people I didn't even know to our wedding - they were old friends of his and I didn't have an opinion on whether I liked them or not, yet. But of course he could invite his friends, as I could invite friends he didn't like/know.

But his reaction to your comments does seem odd. I also hope that it doesn't mean anything.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 12:02

This is for all day invites. There is an open evening invitation to all his work colleagues for the evening reception. Which btw is what all of my work colleagues are coming to, none are coming for the full day.

It was him saying that aout me that really shocked me. He said i was horrid and that i was being really nasty, making it look like he was only aloowed to invite men. Which to be fair he had a valid point but it had nothing to do with that, if i didn't like one of his male friends then i would have said the same thing. It wasn't set in stone, i literally just said "well if you want to limit numbers, can you maybe not invite her all day as personally i don't really get on with her?".

I know his reaction would not have been the same if i had said it about a man and he admitted this.

OP posts:
GiftedSin · 01/10/2012 12:04

I'd suggest sitting down with him tonight and having a chat. Explain that his comments to you were uncalled for. Lay things on the table as in reasons why you wouldn't like her there. Explain to him that you would just feel uncomfortable with her there.

Before you marry you should air all this out otherwise it will manifest and cause problems later on down the line.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 12:05

I never said she couldn't come at all, i'm happy with her to come in the evening like the majority of his and my work colleagues.

But its expensive and i'm a bit annoyed about paying for someone's meal who i don't really like or want there! Especially as i don't have that many people i want there anyway. Most of the guests are his!

OP posts:
LesleyPumpshaft · 01/10/2012 12:06

PropertyNightmare I would be sorely tempted to go bridezilla about it too. Although it sounds unreasonable and spoilt I think that the actual wedding and wedding day is usually more for the woman. OP has every right to be as precious as she likes about it.

I would also be suspicious of my partner if I was in OP's shoes.

WorraLiberty · 01/10/2012 12:07

I certainly wasn't feeling jealous before but I am now! He talks about her everyday, if there is ever a story about work its always come from her or about her. Ge is out with them all this weekend and insists on getting a lift there and back with her, although another colleague will be there too. The only time he has ever deleted messages on his phone was to her, although it was only once.

See I don't believe that at all...that you certainly weren't feeling jealous before.

From what you've written about how much your DP goes on about her, it seems to me that (rightly or wrongly) you certainly were jealous before and that's why he's reacted so badly to you 'suggesting' he leaves her off the guest list.

Having said that, it's yours and your DPs wedding day and the pair of you will most likely be too busy to say anything more than "Hi, thanks for coming".

GiftedSin · 01/10/2012 12:08

How close is he to this woman? (I don't mean is anything going on) but does he see her outside of work and class her as a genuine friend? Or is it only during work hours they mix?

missymoomoomee · 01/10/2012 12:10

Maybe its something as simple as he has already told her she is invited and doesn't want to be in an awkward position of having to uninvite her.

ViviPru · 01/10/2012 12:10

I don't think you're being unreasonable but it's quite complex isn't it. I don't see why you should have her there either, given the circumstances, particularly in light of the open evening invite.

It's obviously quite important to him though isn't it, and while that should be the reason why you ought to acquiesce, conversely, his reaction is the very thing making you feel uncomfortable and less inclined to have her there. Try and convey exactly that to him....

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 12:10

Gifted we had that chat last night. Admittedly i did ask him if he fancied her, he said no and that she looks weird Hmm. I have met her and she is quite attractive but i don't dislike her because of that! I dislike her because of the way she looked down at me and spoke to me, like i was some stupid woman.

When she first started he said she was really pretentious and up her own arse, i know he hates people like this but now all of a sudden she is really lovely and nice?

I know i am probably being stupid and bloody hell i hate myself for it!

OP posts:
Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 12:14

He doesn't see her outside of work and has known her for about 7 months in total. I wouldn't class them as genuine friends, he said last night he couldn't help that one of his best friends happened to be female. I was like best friend? Confused

OP posts:
ViviPru · 01/10/2012 12:15

Best Friend?? ShockConfused Bloody hell OP, He's got his knickers in a right old twist over this hasn't he....

sugarice · 01/10/2012 12:16

I don't like the sound of her and I don't blame you for not wanting her there.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 01/10/2012 12:17

BEST FRIEND???
Fuck that. I reckon he does fancy her.

GiftedSin · 01/10/2012 12:18

I'd ask him if it would be ok to invite night time only. That way you wouldn't have to put up with someone you don't like all day. But also, he gets to have her invited all the same at night.

StrawberryTot · 01/10/2012 12:19

I think I am going to be devils advocate and go with YABU to not allow your fiancée to invite his friend because of a personality clash as you call it. You aren't going to like all his friends and vice versa. I don't like a few of my partners but he does therefore come birthday parties, nights out etc they are on the list of invitees as its our night not just mine. I hope that doesn't sound to harsh Smile

In relation to paranoia that could easily go either way - you way be looking to much into nothing or maybe not. Only together can you decide on guests to your wedding.

I will now prepare to be flamed for god forbid having an opinion that differs from the masses Grin runs and hides

Panzee · 01/10/2012 12:19

Sorry but having been there it all sounded horribly familiar to me right from your OP. I hope I'm wrong and I'm just projecting my own issues. :(

Only4theOlympics · 01/10/2012 12:21

I work very closely with a guy in my office. We spend most of our time together. He is a fab bloke, I like him a lot. There is nothing between us, never has been, never will be. He is not my type and there is no attraction either way.

If dh and I were to marry again and he said I could invite all of my colleages all day except this one, I would go ape. It would make me question my relationship. The trust in my relationship. The lack of consideration about how awkward that would make work, how it would look like there was something going on, how controlling my partner would come across....

You get the picture.

LesleyPumpshaft · 01/10/2012 12:21

OP, tbh if DP felt strongly about a male friend of mine and didn't want them at our wedding I would respect his wishes. He would also do the same for me. DP is my # 1 priority (apart from DS) and I would always put him before anyone else and he puts me first too.

YANBU at all

ViviPru · 01/10/2012 12:21

I suspect she isn't his 'best friend'. Rather she is the person at work who he has the best laugh with out of everyone. They're probably thick as thieves. If it was a bloke, it would be a bromance, if they were two women it'd be a friend crush and no one would think anything of it. But it's not, it's a 'quite attractive' woman which skews the whole dynamic. He's probably just naively enjoying his little fromance, genuinely perceiving it to be entirely harmless, and the suggestion of not inviting her to the wedding threatens this 'friendship' he clearly holds dear. He needs a bit of a reality check.

Original poster
lamenamechange · 01/10/2012 12:22

No strawberry i appreciate your opinion as i genuinely wanted to know if i was bu or not. It's a bit difficult to think rationally when emotions are involved.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 01/10/2012 12:24

Ummm 'mentionitis' is never a good thing really. I'd have to dig further with him to find out she has gone from annoying person to best friend in such a short space of time.

LtEveDallas · 01/10/2012 12:24

lamenamechange,

I had someone at my wedding that I actually couldn't stand. She was the wife of one of DH's (oldest) friends. She had known DH's ex wife and made a lot of very pointed and very poisonous comments about me when DH and I first got together.

When we started doing invitations I told DH that I just couldn't have her there, and he, whilst looking disappointed, accepted that I wasn't being unreasonable to not want someone at my wedding that had called me a "Typical fucking squaddie slapper" and accused me of "trying to steal" DSD from her mum.

(No, I wasn't OW and no, I wasn't doing anything other than being nice to DSD)

However, after hearing a few comments about DHs friend not being invited (from other people who were invited) I asked DH how he really felt. Turned out he was quite upset, but hadn't wanted to tell me.

So I bit the bullet and told him to invite them.

I didn't even notice that she was there (well up until the bitch caught my bouquet) She didn't spoil the day, DHs friend is lovely and it was good to have him there, DH was happy and I got to be 'the bigger person'. Your wedding is likely to be the busiest day of your life, one person on the sidelines is unlikely to even register to you.