If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

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Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

nailak - thank you for your last post; at least you have the right idea.

The other posts highlight why so many people in society think they can just take or expect material things; like people who have them have somehow just fallen on them and not actually worked hard to get them. The riots the other year highlighted this to a sickening extent.

Eugene Most posters who are agaist the idea are so because they enjoy their DCs giving to the birthday child.

Just because we like the idea of a child getting presents from his friends for his birthday, does not mean we are raising children who expect to get everything without working hard. It means that we like the idea of a child feeling special for one day and just as important, for his friends to treat him as such.

Amazing that you can equate this to the riots

Expecting presents for your birthday is nothing like imagining you can just help yourself to whatever takes your fancy.

Likening a four year old making the connection between parties and presents to the sickening, mindless violence of the riots is ludicrous and offensive.

Lol @ the riots being brought into it.

I think the 'problem' here for me anyway is that the OP is using her child to raise money by forgoing gifts.

If the OP feels so strongly, why doesn't she forgo something of her own instead?

I don't believe you need to give presents to make a child feel special.At a party it's perfectly possible without presents - birthday cake, singing happy birthday, blowing out the candles etc.

Maybe the looters were stealing trainers during the riots, cos they were fed up of their parents telling people to sponsor a goat on their behalf instead of allowing them birthday presents

if a mother said i dont want my kids to have too many sweets on their birthday, we will be giving plenty, do you think its ok to override the mothers wishes as you believe kids should have junk on their birthdays?

I dont really see anything wrong with this. I know a few people who did it. DD had a shared whole class party last year and it really think it was a ridiculous amount of presents and very hard for the children to appreciate.

However, given that some people do seem to be uncomfortable with the idea for various reasons, I think the better idea to deal with your concern (as suggested by someone further up the thread) is to suggest that each guest buys for one of the birthday boys/girls only (eg by bringing an unnamed gift which would be suitable for either child). That way, the kids are not overwhelmed with presents and the parents save 50% of the cost. it makes the thank you notes a bit less personal though.

My problem with this is not because I would desperately want the child to have loads and loads of presents, but that I hate being ambushed by collection tins/requests for charity donations. I am perfectly able to donate to a charity of my choice and I personally feel that using a child's birthday party to raise money in this way is a bit crass.

I haven't read all the thread but OP I don't understand why you say this...

she used to dread parties, she's told me, because of the cost. A fiver is a lot when you don't have much.

If you don't want parents to feel obliged to spend money that they possibly haven't got on presents why would you expect them to donate money?

It might be a lovely cause but if you buy a present you could find something lovely but cheap from a pound shop / market / in the sale, yet I would guess most people who would donate money would feel as though they'd have to donate more than a couple of pennies.

I think if some parents would struggle to get a present it is nice for them that all parents are advised present is not necessary - then everyone is on a level.

The playgroup donation is incidental and totally optional so those who don't / can't don't have to give a bean and don't need to feel obligated - unlike a gift at a party which you do feel obligated to give.

how about just say no presents, and on the day have a collection tin anyway

The OP doesn't expect people to make a donation. She was going to give invitees the option of making an anonymous donation if they wish. She has no intention of ambushing people and rattling a collection tin in their faces.

Some posters are making this up as they go along

Eugene what stupid comparisons, riots vs presents at a 4 year olds party . Naiek that is totally different, sweets bad for health and teeth, child might be allergic. A small present on a young child's party no harm IMHO, gosh the grinches are out in force today . You can teach kids the value of money, and giving without saying no presents at a party. I had never heard of a no presents requests at parties until I entered the realm of mumsnet

Eugene Most posters who are agaist the idea are so because they enjoy their DCs giving to the birthday child.

This^^

When DC3 turned 1 a few months back we only got him a few token presents, mainly for the benefit of DC1&2 as they would of been berefit to not give something to their sibling. e have lots of toys and I knew that some family want to give presents, to show their love and affection, so we put some money aside (for clothes, savings etc) instead. Rather than say to others "No we want to provide the fun stuff, you get to provide the boring stuff" our choice of not wanting an overload so we didn't get the overload.

If that makes any sense at all.

in your opinion it may not be harmful to have 30 presents, but in my opinion it is.

in your opinion it may be harmful to have loads of sweets on brithday and need regulating. but in mine it isnt.

harm is not only harm to health imo. yours is different and you are entitled to it. the question is, is a mother able to control what she percieves as harmful towards her own child, or does she have to listen to others?

Nailak. Is a mother able to control what she perceives as harmful towards her child?
Absolutely. But this is a Birthday Party...
If a party was really capable of generating this much angst; I'd respectfully suggest she didn't have one.

Well if she does not Have a class party She will not have them. There will be those who will get the birthday child present despite a no present request.its a party after all

I have always believed in the joy is in the giving, in my opinion depriving 30 children of giving to their friend is more harmful and unfair. It is not just about getting loads of stuff it's about the affectionand thought behind it. I want my child to experience that fromboth ends.

How many children actually choose the presents or have any involvement in the process though?

I know many people who buy birthday presents for parties and the like en masse either as multi packs to split up or 3 for 2's or in the sales to give away throughout the year. I think often the child isn't involved in choosing the present at all.

I think it's an excellent idea as long as you make sure it's obvious that the donation is optional and need not be large. No child (or anyone, actually) needs 30 birthday presents (and I am sure some will bring them anyway). As for those saying why doesn't the OP ask for donations for her birthday, I'm presuming she won't be receiving 30 presents? Probably more like five or six from family/close friends, which is the same number or fewer as her child will probably get from his close friends and family.

No, I wouldn't really care either way but it's probably a little rude to start the invite with it. Rather put it at the end.

Hilarious.. Well I love birthdays and love giving and receiving gifts.

Now fuck u all I am off to riot and rob as I am so selfish.

Couldn't make it up.

Lets cancel Christmas as well, far too much fun for children.

Sorry to wander slightly off post, but this thread reminds me of a diary of mine I unearthed recently, written by my 12 year old self in the early seventies. In it, on my birthday, I have carefully recorded how I was not allowed to mention my birthday, so as not to offend the French exchange girl who was staying with us, as my mum was worried about making her feel awkward because she wouldn't have a present. Somewhat scarily, I seem to have felt quite sanguine about this. I now feel outraged and angry on behalf of my younger self - it was, however, fairly par for the course in our household, however.

Floggingmolly Mon 01-Oct-12 18:04:26

Absolutely. But this is a Birthday Party...
If a party was really capable of generating this much angst; I'd respectfully suggest she didn't have one

so if a parent doesnt want too much sweet stuff at a party they shoulld just not have one?