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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

257 replies

WillGetTruncated · 01/10/2012 00:17

Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

OP posts:
SomersetONeil · 01/10/2012 14:42

Exactly....? That's why I say I wouldn't do it for a 9YO, but would be fine for a 4YO's party?

I think people are projecting too much and forgetting what it's like to be 4. There's so much other excitement and fun to be had on probably the first birthday you really, properly 'get', that you're honestly not going to to notice - nor care - about the exact present count.

It's only the grown-ups who would.

SizzleSazz · 01/10/2012 14:42

I would have party presents for the child and then monies which would have been spent by parents/GP/Aunts & uncles is put towards a university fund. Or donated to the preschool.

We have limited space and most relatives give a token gift plus money as DC currently not of an age where they recognise monetary value of presents or even ask for much. Party presents are great fun and my DC like choosing them for their friends.

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 14:43

I am not buying the present for the mother I am buying it for the child

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 14:45

Yes my thoughts are with that poor little child Wth no presents at her party, so my dd would choose it and give it to the party child not the mother

TimothyClaypoleLover · 01/10/2012 14:45

Carrott sticks in party bags??? I missed that one. Good grief!

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 14:46

And we would donate too

CrapBag · 01/10/2012 14:46

Haven't read all the replies but I think YABU.

If my child was invited to a party where they didn't want presents but wanted me to donate money to a cause that I may not be overly bothered with, I would be a bit Hmm. Actually using a childs party for donating to any cause I would be Hmm.

Personally I really don't like the idea and I probably wouldn't attend.

CrapBag · 01/10/2012 14:47

At 4 my DS was old enough to know that you get presents at parties. I don't think 4 year olds are young enough to not care about it, regardless of what they get from reletives.

SomersetONeil · 01/10/2012 14:49

Yeah, but the kid probably doesn't care - he's having far too much fun having fun to care about the exact tally of presents.

Odd the number of people who have 4YOs who'd care so deeply about this, feel deprived and have 'blights' and 'dampeners' put on the whole day.

SomersetONeil · 01/10/2012 14:50

They know you get present - but unless they're Violet-Elizabth Bott, they're not going to kick off if the exact ratio of guestspresents isn't precisely equal.

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 14:51

and I agree that kids love cheap tat, but if that was all that was being given in reality I wouldn't feel inclined to have a no present party next time

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 14:53

A lot woul o Neil, especially if they get no resents at their party. However that would probably not happen at this party as there would be some that give a little present and donate

wordfactory · 01/10/2012 14:54

OP, I think it's fine not to want a house full of tat, also fine that you don't want your DS to be 'spoiled' by too many gifts...but I'm not sure the donation idea is a good one for those families who are skint.

They may well have small gifts to give away already stashed. They could easily pick up somehting in the pound shop....

Asking them for a doination would, I think, mkae them feel under pressure to give a decent amount as first, it's a good cause and second, there will be lots of parnets arriving at the same time, stuffing tenners in.

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 14:57

Tabliope "Did you not know they'd spend that much? Every area I've lived in seems to have an unwritten code for the amount spent on presents - £5 or £10 max"

we moved from a naice area where it presents were usually more around the £5 mark, to a very deprived area (but better in lots of ways actually) and honestly there was nothing under £10 in his stash, I was Shocked! In naice area you might get a book, if he got books here he got a pile of 4 books, plus a toy car and some crayons - in one present! he got a couple of proper car garages - I kid you not! and these aren't even all kids he'll progress through school with as his preschool mix 3 and 4 year olds so half of them are off in reception now and they never see DS any more!

nailak · 01/10/2012 14:57

what is most shocking in all this is the way a lot of you feel it is ok for your child to expect things, like it is their right to have presents. Rather then teaching your children that you dont give to recieve and presents are something you should be happy and grateful for, not something you are entitled to.

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 15:00

That's not all true nailak, I put my foot down with dd 5, she understands that I can't get everything she wants and is fine with that, she has ASD too, but arent birthdays the one time a chid can be spoiled

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 15:01

The op dd is only 4 and has the rest of her childhood to learn this, and at other times too

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 15:03

We also love buying Gifts for her friends birthday, she certainly loves choosing them,wrapping and giving them, all part of the fun

spoonsspoonsspoons · 01/10/2012 15:04

I'm amazed that so many people say "well she wouldn't do it for herself why for a child". I've never had a birthday party as an adult with friends where presents have been bought, the party is all about the party not the presents. Adults or children. Parties are about food and games and cake.

AuntLucyInPeru · 01/10/2012 15:07

Would be fine by me. Preschoolers have no preset expectations on how many presents is the 'right' number for a birthday. The ones from you, and from granny/grandad will be very welcome. In our case we're always FAR more grateful to gift-givers who give books, clothes or vouchers, than those who add to the sea of plastic tat that sweeps daily though the house...

CupsofTeaAndHandfulsOfCake · 01/10/2012 15:11

I think its a lovely idea.

Kids have a great party and gifts from the family anyway.
Money gets raised for the playgroup.
Parents of the children don't have to bother shopping for a party gift.

If anyone doesn't agree then can fuck off and not go.
Simple as that.

SomersetONeil · 01/10/2012 15:22

Presumably the OP knows her own child well enough to know that he won't mind / kick off / feel deprived by slightly fewer presents / etc...

AllPastYears · 01/10/2012 15:33

"We also love buying Gifts for her friends birthday"

I used to hate it! Trailing round ToysRus, trying to figure out what some child you hardly know might like for a present and wouldn't have already. "DD, does your friend like jigsaws?" "I don't know." Aaargh!

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 15:34

Well I don't know, o Neil, op sad that her ds demanded to know what grandma got him fr his birthday when she came so he might notice. If my dd des that I pull her up on it, very rude to do this.

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 15:37

Oh dear I must be in the minority, I love figuring out what birthday boy/girl likes. Well as dd has ASD she has said she does not like parties and does not want one for her birthday Sad, well there's always ds 9 months, don't think he will have ASD so different to dd