If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

[WillGetTruncated]

Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

My mum would agree with some of you, any excuse not to buy a gift

friend at uni had right on parents,declined birthday/xmas presents
if any presents or money received they donated it to charity
her presents were always fair trade right on scratchy toys,clothes,symbolic beads

..and what were her thoughts on the matter scottishmummy

Sounds very joyless to me. My kids always loved opening their birthday presents when young. I think if adults want to do this it's fine, but mean for kids. I also don't see why giving to charity should be an alternative to having a gift. If you don't want a gift say so but to me a charity donation is an unrelated thing. My gift isn't just an amount of money for the recipient to spend as she sees fit on new extension/ private surgery/ charity donation. If you don't want a gift that's up to you, what I do with the money I save from not buying a gift is up to me.

thought her folks well intentioned but kooky
and resented not getting pressies or anything considered frivolous,whimsy
and getting the virtuous some children have nothing you're v lucky girl speech

I got invited to wedding were was no present but donation
to a charity they supported, which I was nonplussed about
didn't give to the charity gave case of wine instead

Adults are capable of gross emotional cruelty to children in the name of ''teaching' values or advocating their own beliefs.

Setting them apart by banning things most children enjoy, occasional sweets, occasional TV, or as scottishmummy describes banning birthday and Christmas gifts etc, just a bit cruel and controlling in the effort to looking 'right on' or a ' better parent'. It's about them not the child.

Only read a few pages...

I think YABU.
And agree with worra.

Put your money where your mouth is, ask for donations on your birthday too. No?

The child isn't getting NO PRESENTS! He's just not getting thirty of them, which absolutely nobody needs.

FWIW, we had a huge party for DD's recent 6th birthday and I made it crystal clear that no presents were required on the invitation as there were about fifty people there and I didn't actually want her to get 20 odd presents that she doesn't need. She didn't care a bit. She still got presents from family and close friends and she still felt like she had a huge haul of fun stuff. Some people just brought a homemade card, which was absolutely fine and in no way detracted from her enjoyment of the party. In fact, she probably had as much fun from arranging the cards as she did opening the presents.

I think the parents being too right on,bit mean kids deny presents
equally the op could make it clear no xmas or birthday for her
and donations to preschool

So? They're not her presents to forfeit. If she feels strongly about this cause and wants to raise money, brilliant. But do it by your own means not your child's.

Nobody needs a birthday cake either, so we may as well scrap that. Wouldn't want the birthday child feeling like they were entitled to cake, would we?

so you cannot have control over how many toys your kids have?

Like I said would you be the same thing if you said your kids have had enough sweets and people were giving more and saying it is not your sweets to forfeit to the mother?

no one needs presents.they're whimsy,fun,disposable
nice to receive.nice to give
if anyone feels so strongly start the denial with oneself

nailak I don't really think that's the issue here though is it? That they've got too much? I wouldn't say so, though the OP may use it as an excuse after.

She wants to get those donations, that's why.

And it's their birthday for gods sake. No child has too many toys to play with especially when they're four!

dreadful comparison,too many sweets isn't same thing
to many sweets,sore tummy puke.not same effect from Lego,DVD toys
yes I'd accept the sweets and moderate the intake

if anyone feels so strongly start the denial with oneself

Is anyone here liable to receive 30 birthday presents?

I know I'm not.

The child is NOT GETTING NO PRESENTS! He's just not getting thirty.

The OP said regardless or not if she asks for donations, they have already decided on no presents, as they will get enough from family. She and the other family they are joining with to have party have already decided no presents, and she is wondering if to suggest the donation idea instead with the other family.

as far as i understand.

"The child isn't getting NO PRESENTS! He's just not getting thirty of them, which absolutely nobody needs."

This. With knobs on.

"No child has too many toys to play with especially when they're four! "

Actually yes they do. When they have lots of toys it can make it hard for them to focus on one or two for a while, e.g. to keep trying to fit that jigsaw together, or to finish colouring a picture in their colouring book. Sure you can hide some in a cupboard - or you can just have less in the first place.

op stared no presents using her kids party to drum up donations for preschool
frankly I think that's v oh look how worthy one is.conspicuously worthy
using kids party as vehicle to drum up donations for preschool, how bizarre

I don't think it's bizarre at all. My DD's party (some years ago now) was held in a centre for Special Needs. We didn't want presents, but obviously most people feel awkward not bringing anything, so asking for optional donations instead was an obvious thing to do.

Couldn't care less if other parents thought we were trying to be "worthy".

allpast not in the child's eyes. Which is what this is about. Let the child have their presents, let them have fun opening them and playing with them for a bit. If there is too many then donate them afterwards.

The child isn't benefiting at all from someone donating to charity for them. That's something a couple asks for on their wedding day instead of gifts, not a child.

I agree with nailak that a child isn't missing out because they do not get 30 inexpensive toys at a party. Especially if that child is going to get some sort of present from parents and grandparents... they will hardly be going without. Our DS has plenty of toys, books, music, etc and doesn't really need anything else. We try to make birthdays and holidays about crafts, food, visiting friends and family, etc and not about getting stuff. I think the OP's idea is a good one, to teach about giving for a cause, etc.

i think it sounds like a really good idea, i would not buy a present and i would put £5 or £10 in the tin.