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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

257 replies

WillGetTruncated · 01/10/2012 00:17

Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

OP posts:
Narked · 01/10/2012 01:00

Oh give over Worra. Most pre schoolers would be totally overwhelmed by that number of presents.

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 01:03

my DS thinks every party he gets invited to is a joyous occassion, and we think him enjoying himself and getting invited is pretty joyous even if the actual date bears no significance to us

DS still talks about his party (months later) but he couldn't tell ya who gave him the non family presents and actually played with one of them for the first time today!

dysfunctionalme · 01/10/2012 01:19

I agree that a big party is fantastic fun for kids and I also think that masses of presents can be overwhelming. Gifts from family is huge excitement in itself at that age.

But but but

I wouldn't mix the present/donation issues.

By all means leave a collection box out but don't instruct guests to donate because it sorta takes away the feel good factor.

I think you need to separate your desire to help the preschool from your child's birthday and guests' choices.

Original poster
WillGetTruncated · 01/10/2012 01:31

Thank you. That has clarified what was bothering me about the idea, and I couldn't pinpoint it.

And now I must get to sleep so I am not fired. Grin

OP posts:
musicalendorphins · 01/10/2012 05:26

I agree with dysfunctionalme

sashh · 01/10/2012 05:29

I'd put a donation envelope in the invite, that way it can be sealed and no one can see the amount.

sleepywombat · 01/10/2012 05:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeshwariNaan · 01/10/2012 06:29

This sounds fantastic to me. I wish more parents would do it.

And really? Do people think preschoolers NEED a party with twenty presents to open? Surely a nice big party to have fun with their friends, and a family party with a few presents is more than enough!

Why does everyone's PFB deserve the maximum number of presents? Surely this isn't a great lesson to teach preschoolers? There will be plenty of materialism down the line.

theresafire · 01/10/2012 06:39

I am as broke as they come but always spend about 20 dollars on birthday presents for my DCs friends. I don't resent it and the kid should get a present, it's standard practice.

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 06:40

I understand where you are comming from, but don't think the kids will when they don't get any presents, they are still too young to understand and appreciate the logic. I would still buy a present but make a small donation, that is what you can do. They do this after church weddings sometimes to raise money for te church despite bred and groom paying to hire te church. I would not resent it and have contributed

trinitybleu · 01/10/2012 06:40

We do jointqparties for our NCT group of 8. No presents, and I wish we'd thought of a donation box.

scottishmummy · 01/10/2012 06:41

you're imposing your adult sensibilities on kids party
it's possible to buy kids pressie asda,99pshop not necessarily pricey
wee kids are going to want a present,not random donation in tin

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 06:45

Mabey you could ask parents to just give to give a present to x or y and donate the rest to the collecting tin. Really not fair on your dc

BalloonSlayer · 01/10/2012 06:45

This is the bit that made me Hmm

DS demanded to know what Grandma's present was last time she arrived

later in the same post

They're only turning 4 so won't be expecting [presents] as they will in a year or two, either

So your DS expects presents from your Mum/MIL because she always brings one, yet you think he won't expect any presents at his own birthday party?

Has he never been to a birthday party himself? Has he never watched television? Every chidren's TV programme has an episode about a birthday (usually when a character thinks everyone has forgotten and they have no presents, then actually there is an explanation and they have got presents really). I am actually cringing imagining his poor little face when he doesn't get any presents.

As an adult no it wouldn't piss me off. Except that

a) I'd probably buy him a present as well as give a donation as I'd feel sorry for him

and

b) I'd forever more remember your DS as "that poor boy whose Mum wouldn't let him have birthday presents."

TheMonster · 01/10/2012 06:46

I think you will regret it when your child reminds you about the birthday when they got no present in years to come. Despite gifts from family, that is how a child will see it.

FanOfSlippers · 01/10/2012 06:46

Worra "I'm sure that would raise a hell of a lot more money...though you and your child might not get as many people saying "Aww bless how lovely" "

  • gosh, so now the OP's only considering doing this to be thought of as a philanthropist-extraordinaire? There's no way that she just thinks supporting the preschool - which is supporting her child - is a nice thing to do when the opportunity arises? Not sure why you're being so snide about this, it's quite unpleasant.
pigletmania · 01/10/2012 06:46

You might find that kids parents buy a small present and donate, you can get some great things from the 1 pound shop

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 06:51

So you were going to ask for no presents anyway at your preschoolers party, the idea of collecting for them came later. How mean, a little child's party with no presents Hmm. That is part of the fun, she is only 4 not 14 and a child for a short time. If you are so concerned about easing funds do it yourself, Sponsred quiz night, sponsored walk etc

HippoPottyMouth · 01/10/2012 06:56

It would not piss me off, no. It'd be nice to go to a party without having to worry about what to get for a present.

I think it's fair enough for your DS too, if he asks, then he's had his presents on his birthday.

I don't like it when they expect things, like party bags etc. and don't get me started on pass the parcel where everyone gets a turn and a packet of sweets in each wrapper!!

I sound like a grouch but I'm really not, I'm happy to indulge on birthdays / Christmas, but I can completely see why you want to do this. I'd have a word with your mum about bringing a present every time too, that's really not necessary.

Growlithe · 01/10/2012 06:58

When my DCs are invited to a party I make a point of taking them out and getting them to help choose a present, I like them to think about the friend who has invited them.

When its their own turn, its really lovely for them to have a lot of presents to open. I don't think that's spoiling them (although what's the harm in spoiling them on their birthday). Its loads of fun to get a mound of presents from your friends - they are often a different type of present than family get. I think the fact that they are only children would ake this even more special.

I think its unfair to make a children's birthday party a fundraiser. You can choose to attend a fundraiser, but if a child receives a party invitation you have to attend unless you are otherwise engaged.

So I would feel very mean on the child if my DC was attending the party.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 01/10/2012 07:13

YABgrosslyU. It is your kid's birthday, not yours. Let the children get presents, for heaven's sake!

YOU donate money to the preschool if you want to. Don't make your child do it.

Yes, it sounds prissy and precious.

exoticfruits · 01/10/2012 07:20

Sounds a fantastic idea to me. I hate huge parties for small children and one of the reasons is the obscene amount of presents - who on earth wants 30 presents? It is like a conveyor belt - they go in a black bag, the giver never sees it opened, the receiver opens so many that they instantly cast aside, in boredom, anything that doesn't immediately take their fancy, mum writes a thank you letter on the computer that the DC might possibly write their name on BUT if you asked the child the next day what Josh gave him he wouldn't have a clue!
A hall party can be quite nice - much the best way to give it.

exoticfruits · 01/10/2012 07:22

Don't worry about the odd person thinking you are prissy and precious- the vast majority will approve and it isn't as if your DC won't get presents for their birthday!

exoticfruits · 01/10/2012 07:24

That works with a small party Growlithe, with a large party your DC will take care choosing but will never see it opened. He will get a standard short letter from the mother and he will have no idea what the DC really thought.

pigletmania · 01/10/2012 07:25

My goodness some of you are miseries. Children are not children for very long, soon will come a time (adulthood) when they dont get resents as its a kids thing innit. Let them enjoy. Any toys that they don't want can go to charity or te local Women's Aid