If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

[WillGetTruncated]

Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

And - frankly - if I didn't want my money going to XYZ preschool then I wouldn't have any qualms in sticking some cash in with my card and not putting cash into the tin.

As hosts you can't really ask for cash in lieu of a gift, but I don't think I'd be annoyed if I was on the receiving end of a gesture like that, if the giver wasn't bothered and took the initiative.

"Why have a party and no presents?" - why? are your kids parties really that dull that you have to ask?

Why are family presents ok but friends unwanted?

Sorry OP but I don't like the idea. I would feel a bit put out being asked for donations even if not expected. Also, you will get parents who still buy presents as they like giving presents and then it will embarrass the parents who haven't bought presents. As a consequence you will have your DC confused as to your message/lesson if only some people bring presents and not all as well as making parents feel awkward.

By all means raise money separately but let a kids party be a kids party with all that entails. And its not about making kids materialistic as one or two posters have said, just letting kids be kids. When they are older THEY can make the decision to sacrifice presents, not have it forced on them.

I think it's a horrible idea, sorry. My DS is a very ungrabby child - has rarely asked for anything - but he would have noticed and felt hurt with no one giving him presents at his party, regardless of what else he got from family and close friends - and he never went short. It's not so much the present per se but it's the receiving of something, no matter what it is, as it adds to the excitement. As a parent I'd think it very "worthy" and not want to do it - if I want to donate to charity it'll be one of my choice. Yes, you have these parties and you get a pile of crap and I hated the house being full of it but I think if you want to help this place stick your hand in your pocket and just accept if you're going to do massive parties masses of tat comes with the territory. I only ever did one enormous party, the rest were small ones. I'd also think your DS might notice the next time he gets invited to a party you'll have bought a present for that child, yet you have denied him one. Who know what a child would make of that. If you want to give to charity and teach your son to not have so much have a clear out for a charity shop in preparation of the new stuff coming in. He at least gets to play a part in the decision making of all this. If you go ahead with your idea I hope you at least explain to your DS what you're doing and hear his view. Terrible idea imo.

I'm really struggling to imagine any 4YO I know doing a tot up like that

they bring a present to the next party, do they go up to the table and do a count of presents, then do a head count, then compaire it to the head count Vs presents at their party?????

really???

Can't you get someone to organise a group present, from school? It would mean less cost to people who couldn't afford it (you could set it at £2 even), and you don't end up with a massive pile of presents. I do think at 5 it's all about the presents and party bags, even for the least materialistic child. And yes they are getting a big treat by having the party, but so is all the guests that are coming. I really think its not fair to tell people not to buy your child a gift.

It's not about matching presents to party attendees and wanting to know why there are two missing, it's about no presents from any party friends only family.

the only problem that might arrise for the DS is immature parents muttering about "the poor thing not getting presents" on front of THEIR DCs.. who then say it to your DS?

having kids would be so much easier if it weren't for all these other parents you have to deal with!

halloweeneyqueeney - who's talking about a tot up? sorry I haven't read the whole thread. Any kids would notice not getting a present though and if you tell everyone to donate something there is a chance he won't even get one which they would notice. OP are you going to warn your kid not to expect any presents?

Xnedra - I just get the impression presents from family are wanted because they'll be good ones but from friends at the party they'll be tat ones the OP doesn't want in the house.

because the child IS going to have a big pile of presents to open when they get home from the party, like with any party, just not a pile of 30+family ones

But most children I know LOVE tat presents, it's us parents that don't. And as someone said a lot of people also give nice things or things their child has chosen for the birthday child, friend to friend it can mean a lot to children on both ends, to feel appreciated by people who choose to (friends) than those who 'have' to (family).

YANBU. I'm surprised by some of the responses, TBH.

DS will be 4 in a few months and, misguided as I might be about my own son, I think he'd be so caught up in the fun and the party and the friends and the running around and all the other presents, that he wouldn't even notice the nice gesture being made in the background to the pre-school.

This place is an eye-opener sometimes. I would never have suspected people would be so het up / alternatively quietly disapproving / seething / catsbumming over this. My own DS, I am quite sure, would be blithely oblivious to everyone's pity at his 'lack' of presents.

Good thing you asked really, isn't it?!

"Xnedra - I just get the impression presents from family are wanted because they'll be good ones but from friends at the party they'll be tat ones the OP doesn't want in the house"

for me its the opposite! I expected small/poundshop/tat presents from DSs last all-of-class party and instead he got huge expensive presents (proper toys/big sets) from everyone, it was too much, for them to spend and for DS to receive. They were fabulous presents.. but 30 of them!!! Plus we live in a poor area and I felt terrible that so much was spent, DS was just delighted to have all his friends there, he had a ball, so I'ld love to do an all of class party again next year but don't want people to feel they have to spend how much they felt they had to spend last time.

halloweeney - the kid will notice no one at his party bought him a present. I think that's the point and there is possible upset from that - unless perhaps the OP talks about it. But I do think it's like telling someone you're getting them a goat for charity for xmas. Family presents are by the by. The OP should tell family to buy small presents or save some money for him if she thinks they are being excessive. I just don't think it's a good idea telling party guests not to buy him something. I, and a few others, have said they wouldn't like to donate to something that's not their choice. I'm taking a kid to a party and I like buying a present and would prefer to do that than donate to something that might not interest me.

halloweeney - I completely understand that. These big parties can be excessive, especially if he got 30 great presents instead of token presents and you want to do them but dont' want all that stuff in the house. Did you not know they'd spend that much? Every area I've lived in seems to have an unwritten code for the amount spent on presents - £5 or £10 max. Anyway OP do as you wish but I'd prepare your child as I think he will be hurt. Just my view anyway.

This is a 4YO we're talking about here, right...? How conditioned are most 4YOs to expect a full and accurate tally count of presents per head-count of attendees?

I wouldn't do this for a 9YO, but - I genuinely don't think the average 4YO is going to feel massively short-changed by a few less pressies from the party-going friends when he looks over his total haul.

Difference being a 9 year old can understand the concept of sacrificing presents for charity and would probably kick up more of a fuss IMO. Again it comes down to inflicting your view/choices on kids.

I didn't think we were talking about tally counts, just singling a child out for not getting presents whereas when he goes to other parties he will be expected to give a present.

The other children will also notice the lack of presents.

Part of the excitement of going to a party is the discussion as to what present the birthday child would like, what they're currently into, what they already have / haven't got, etc.
Then the cerimonious wrapping, writing of the card, marching into the party brandishing this big shiny parcel...
They'll notice, and they'll probably ask why.

so basically YOUR preference to buy a present for somebody elses child, outweighs the MOTHER of said childs preference to not have a present from you.

I think it depends on the child, like I said, my DD2 when she turned 4 was overjoyed by the 3 presents she got from family, and didnt notice she didnt have any from friends.

She had two parties, two cakes etc, and she was very happy with it all. A month later she remembers and talks about it, the lack of presents doesnt register at all.

She is not going to go to other peoples parties and think so and so didnt get me apresent so why am I getting him one, she will remember the presents she had. My dd1 also has never said why didnt so and so get me a presend and I am getting her one, she gets so many presents from family that she is very happy.

if they ask why you can explain, that toys are not everything, experiences and being with friends and family is just as important, or that you are giving money to the preschool so they can buy something that all of you can enjoy etc, it is not hard tbh.

Personally I do not agree with it, your dd is only little and will notice if she des not gat any presents at her party and is too little to understand the reasoning behind it. This might put a damper nothing's for her and could well blight her whole day, would you really want that op. if she were older you could discuss it with her and reach that decision together.

If my dc were invited to your dd party I would most certainly buy her a present and make a donation, you might find most parents do this

It'll be almost as bad as the poor little sod who's mum put carrot sticks in his party bags...

again you would ignore the fact what the mother of the child wants for her ds, in favour of what YOU think is best?