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AIBU?

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Original poster

If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

257 replies

WillGetTruncated · 01/10/2012 00:17

Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

OP posts:
JennerOSity · 01/10/2012 12:05

I think it is a great idea - the kids get a massive party - what more should they need. The playgroup deservingly benefits and the kids will still get pressies from close friends and family.

No-one loses - everyone's a winner and I for one would have no problem whatsoever with this on an invitation. The wording you are suggesting using makes it clear it is optional so you aren't applying emotional blackmail.

Go for it.

McHappyPants2012 · 01/10/2012 12:13

I always put cash in a card, and would hate to make a donation.

I bet many of the parents have donated a lot to the playgroup already, for some they may be pissed off at yet another charity thing for the playgroup

Jahan · 01/10/2012 12:15

I think its a great idea. You have a great attitude.
Personally, I hate the way our kids are encouraged to be materialistic.

bethjoanne · 01/10/2012 12:16

if anyone does have any unwanted toys in good condition please donate them to your local playgroup or childrens hospital ward etc

XiCi · 01/10/2012 12:18

I think if its something you feel so strongly about you should fundraise yourself and leave your kids out of it really. I agree with others that I would end up paying out twice as I wouldnt feel right about not bringing the child a gift. Also hate forced donations. Just because you think its a worthy cause doesnt mean others do, they may already be donating monthly to charities they support as many of us do via monthly salary. And who says your dc wont enjoy some of the cheaper gifts? Often small kids ignore the more expensive gifts and enjoy the cheaper ones more. Why not forego your own xmas and bday presents? Or is it only what you perceive as cheap tat that your willing to forego?

WorraLiberty · 01/10/2012 12:21

This is what I'd like to know XiCi, will the OP be telling everyone not to get her any birthday or christmas presents when the time comes?

Otherwise it's a bit like someone asking me what they should buy my DH for his birthday and me replying, "Oh don't bother getting him anything - just donate to charity, however I'd love a bottle of perfume thanks."

Floggingmolly · 01/10/2012 12:31

Won't the "he won't be expecting presents" notion backfire when he goes to the parties of the other children at pre-school? How's he going to feel going to ten or more parties throughout the year and seeing presents being quite a major part of the celebration? Fairly short changed, I'd imagine.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 01/10/2012 12:31

It's completely normal here so, no, I wouldn't be offended at all, although I normally buy a small present anyway as I don't like turning up empty handed. I also don't think the children are being in any way deprived. I think the very idea that they are is slightly bonkers, tbh!

AllPastYears · 01/10/2012 12:33

How did we get to a situation where it's expected that a 4-year-old having a party will get up to 30 presents from party guests? Confused

BridgetJonesPants · 01/10/2012 12:40

I think it's a great idea and would probably donate more than I'd have spent on the presents.

As OP has already pointed out, both kids will still get loads of birthday presents from family so they're not really missing out. Young kids can often be overwhelmed by the amount of presents they get and as a result don't appreciate them (or maybe it's only my DD that's like that).

Go for it!

Floggingmolly · 01/10/2012 12:40

Another thing, op, you say one of your considerations was the number of parents who might struggle to afford even the "crappy plastic dinosaurs".
How much do you reckon they'll all manage to contribute then?
It'd be a bit pathetic to do this and end up with a tenner in a tin?

catwoo · 01/10/2012 12:42

It's not right

  1. being 'generous' with other people's things
  2. telling people what to do with their money.
flowerygirl · 01/10/2012 12:42

If 30 families are coming, that would be 30 presents for each child! Kids have way too many presents already and surely close family and the parents would still get their own child a gift? Collection sounds like a lovely idea! Good for you!

Meglet · 01/10/2012 12:44

It wouldn't piss me off.

I had a party for DS last year, 30 children were invited. As soon as I sent the invites I realised I should have said 'no presents'.

Everyone was lovely and brought a present, but there were too many. I didn't have space for them all and had to keep some in the car in the end.

If DD has a whole class party I will suggest no presents.

SomeoneThatYouUsedToKnow · 01/10/2012 12:53

I find some of the comments on this thread really odd and a bit judgey. The DS is going to get lots of presents from his family and a big party with his classmates. Sounds great.
His DM doesn't want him to get loads and loads of presents. She is offering the option of making an anonymous donation to the invitees. I really dont see the problem. Hmm The DC is going to be four, he won't care!

I might remind him a couple of times what is going to happen but apart from that I wouldn't give it any further thought.

MrsJohnDeere · 01/10/2012 12:58

As an alternative you could let your dc have presents from the party goers, but not give any yourself and donate the money you would have spent to the Pre-school instead.

Xnedra · 01/10/2012 12:59

Then why doesn't his DM give a donation and not get him lots of presents if she doesn't want him to have lots?

stealthsquiggle · 01/10/2012 13:29

Do all party presents have to be plastic tat, though? My DD has received remarkably little plastic as presents from friends. Colouring stuff/art supplies (always welcome), hair stuff/jewellery (similarly welcome and takes up no space) and lots of books - a couple of duplicates have been re-gifted, but again, they don't take up a lot of space. She may not open them at the party, but she does appreciate them and absolutely remembers who bought her what.

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 13:42

"I am actually cringing imagining his poor little face when he doesn't get any presents"

oh please! at a party with 30 kids, and 2 birthday kids, so 60 presents to open, do you really think they're gonna open them at the time? no they'll be piled up and taken home

and once they get home is a four year old really gonna say "hang on, there's on ly 10 presents in this pile! who are the 20 who didn't get me one, boo hoo" Hmm

no I doubt it!

YouMayLogOut · 01/10/2012 13:42

"The DC is going to be four, he won't care!"

How can you be so sure about that, Someone? The DC will have been to other parties and seen that it is normal for the birthday boy/girl to receive presents.

If the parent wants to make a donation, they should give up one of their own luxuries or their own birthday presents instead of their DC's presents.

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 13:46

"Won't the "he won't be expecting presents" notion backfire when he goes to the parties of the other children at pre-school? How's he going to feel going to ten or more parties throughout the year and seeing presents being quite a major part of the celebration? Fairly short changed, I'd imagine"

gah, he WILL GET PRESENTS!!! plenty of presents, the OP said he's an only child and an only grandchild so there'll be LOADS, do you really think he'll be keeping a list of who DIDN'T like some sort of mini bridezilla in the midst of all those family presents to open? or will he be tearing at his family presents after his party and loving it?

serious 30 is too much!

EugenesAxe · 01/10/2012 13:49

It wouldn't offend me. Regarding the 'denying them presents' - I think they would get enough from family.

You could get a really good present of about £30-50 for your child and say it was 'from everyone at the party'. It's quite a lot I suppose, but it wouldn't be an amount I'd mind picking up on everyone else's behalf if it meant I had some floor space left.

I agree with halloweeny - I wouldn't let present opening be done at the party. I have never been to any party where the child does that when guests are present.

halloweeneyqueeney · 01/10/2012 13:53

I have seen it done at the party, but that was at small mostly family birthday parties at home with about 5/7 kids! so it only took a few mins

it would not make sense to open 60 presents at a big double party! I've never seen then opened at the party when its a bit hall with whole class affair - would be madness!

spondulix · 01/10/2012 13:57

I think it's a great idea. It sounds like your DS will receive lots of presents from his family, he'll hardly be 'deprived'.

LadyJH · 01/10/2012 14:03

Why have a party and no presents? All sounds a bit 'About A Boy' (if I can't knit it he's not having it).