If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

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Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

I did this at DD's Christening. Raised some much welcomed funds but was embarrased that some people donated and bought a present.

For a birthday I'd find it odder -DD is younger than your DS but already associates birthdays with prezzies (obviously I am not saying this is a good thing! But a disappointed birthday boy would be sad).

I think the OP means well and that some of the comments on here slating her are v nasty.

I do think that young children are very capable of charity and generosity, and that these are wonderful lessons. I'm just not sure about providing these lessons on their birthdays, and using their birthday presents to demonstrate.

I vividly remember at 5 being asked to bring a present to school to put under the tree for poor children. Actually we were asked to bring an old toy but my mother balked at that, said who wants someone else's old toy, we need to go shopping. I chose a baby doll with golden curls and I thought she was the most beautiful thing ever. She was in a little cradle and I insisted on wrapping her with clingfilm (wtf!) and my mother indulged me. Of course I would rather liked to have kept the doll but I understood it was going to be adored by someone and it was a powerful lesson.

love it!

We've been to a few 2/3/4 year old parties where the parents have requested no presents but donations to various charities instead. I think it's a lovely idea - you'll probably find that a few people will bring presents as well/ instead though.

It's a great idea. The party in itself will be busy and fun, there is no need to make it more 'exciting' with presents. And if they ask, you can just say the bouncy castle is their present. Who needs 30 pressies anyway, it's going to be too much. As a parent, I'd be quite relieved to be off the hook for present buying as well, saves a job.

I think it's a shame to forfeit someone else's birthday present to raise funds for a cause you've chosen.

The same goes for "charity gifts" where someone else's Christmas present is cancelled so the giver can feel good that a goat has been provided for someone, without actually spending anything extra themselves. It's not you who is making the sacrifice.

If you want to raise money for the pre-school, forfeit your birthday presents and ask for donations to this cause instead.

Has anyone thought that the party itself could be the present (between the two)? A trip to the awful Alton Towers could be a present so why not a party at the Village Hall? That way, they would not have loads of things to ake home.

I know it's a bit different but I gave my parents a Golden Wedding party about which they knew nothing until they arrived.

Regardless of whether it's mean to deprive a child of gifts on his birthday and whether it's right to use your child's birthday instead of yours to raise funds, I think it's extremely bad manners to dictate to your guests to spend money on specific thing, whether it'll be a gift or donation.

As someone said, organise a specific money raising event, but children's birthday is not really a suitable moment, imo.

Charity gifts, depends on beliefs, if you believe by doing charity on someone's behalf they will get a better reward then a box of choccies then it is not really sacrifice.

what about saying no present but art supplies for the preschool would be appreciated?

Let your child have his presents. He is little and children only have a birthday once a year. A preschool birthday is special.

If you don't want tons of tat then give the excess tat to a charity shop or you could ebay the unwanted presents and give the money to the pre school.

By all means say no gifts, I think it's good for children no to be over indulged and if they are getting a shed load of presents anyhow then fine.

However, I definitely would no ask for donations, it's not the right occasion.

If you want to raise money maybe your children and yourself could do some fund raising.

Never mix up a birthday party with a fund raising event.

I think it's very admirable, but at that age isn't a birthday party about presents? My db did this when his dd was 9, and she fully understood the money was being donated and she felt proud. A preschooler wouldn't understand, and neither would the other children.

I have mixed feelings about it if I'm honest, I would probably bring a present but instead of a card i would donate money as I think presents are what a birthday party is all about.....my kids would be so disappointed if they got no presents. Maybe let them have presents off their friends and instead of you buying them presents, you donate yours!

Pressed 'post' too soon. So yes, in answer to your question I would be annoyed that my DC is allowed to bring a gift for a child and then I would be even more annoyed to have been told what to spend my money on.

isn't allowed

If it's a joint birthday party does it not make it a bit more awkward to ask for a donation rather than a present if the other family don't agree to it? If the other family wants their child to receive a present and you ask for a donation for your child it all looks a bit naff.

Agree with the comments about it being nice for your child to receive a gift rather than asking for a donation (and in effect giving away your child's presents).

I think your personal attitude will also have a lot to do with how well received the offer of a donation is rather than a present. I know some mums who would do this just so they're told how "nice" they are as opposed to a genuine interest in raising money for charity without the need for all the praise.

This might sound mean to the the OP, and I don't think it washer intention but I do't think it is admirable.
The parents get to buy lots for their DC (nice shiny warm feeling), they get get to be generous benefactors to the preschool (shiny warm feeling) and they get to save their house from plastic tat (SUPER shiny warm feeling) The parents luck in.

No, it wouldn't irritate me at all, I think it is a good idea.
I am pretty sure the children will receive presents from their parents and at such a young age they don't really expect a present from each and everyone coming to the party.

And surely parties are not about presents but about being together and eat sweets?

"Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Personally, I would find such wording very prissy and up-yourself.

Maybe you need to re-phrase it to make the donation idea being a choice some people can make? E.g: "A and B are lucky enough to already have all the toys they need, so no need to bring a present. However, if you do want to give something, a small donation to the pre-school where A and B have spent so many happy hours would be much appreciated".

Erm..personally I would rather spend the money on a gift than feel I had to donate to an organisation that I wouldn't normally give to. I would feel awkward not taking a present & not donating, so wouldn't feel comfortable at the party at all.

I hate people deciding for me who/what is a good charity, to be fair.

when my sister got married she said on her invites please no wedding gifts but we would be grateful instead if you are able to join us making a donation to a charity we support...........(name of charity)......................which i thought was lovely.
also when people pass away family ask family flowers only donations to ......................... would be kindly apprehieted.
so i think your idea is a lovely idea and your children will see good in this when they are older its a good example to set to help others .
well done you.xxxxxxxxxxxx

Considering how much the hall hire, bouncy castle, food, drinks, entertainment is going to cost...the OP could have donated all that money to the school and just had a birthday tea for her child instead.

Most 4yr olds would love a handful of close friends round to share their birthday, there's no need to invite so many people.

I am really amazed that so many people think it is important to take a gift to a party (any party - not just a child's). I find buying presents a minefield - I think I have got quite good taste - but I am sure a lot of what I have given in the past has been re-gifted or given to charity. In all the parties my DS has had I can only think of 3 or 4 presents that he has really enjoyed, the vast majority go straight to the charity shop - his choice. Equally with presents that I have been given myself - I think I am quite easy to buy for - I love nice soap/scented candles but have given complete dross over the years. Luckily now I am at the age when I get very few presents.

I now only give cash if my DS is invited to a party, and I LOVE invitations that say either 'no gift' or specify a donation.

Why should people object to giving a donation to a charity of the party giver's choice - surely if you are prepared to spend £5 on the party giver then £5 to their charity is more or less the same thing unless it is something you really, really disagree with - and then would you actually be friends with someone like that anyway?

its a fab way to set an example to your children. .we need more of people like you who want to do something for their community there are too many selfish people who dont want to help others. your children will grow up to be kind, help others, voluntee to help others.what a wonderful person and mum you are.