If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

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Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

Do you really think your child won't notice that friends are turning up for the party without presents? How will your child feel about that?

Well done for thinking about fund raising but save it for another time.

Kids + parties = presents

I think it's a great idea! but do agree that it's not so good for the children.
Yes they will be getting plenty of other presents etc. but with the best will in the world you cannot make a young child understand why X had presents at his party but they got none at theirs. They won't be missing out I agree, but at that age they will feel they are missing out and that is just as bad. "Y got X a big present for their party and I didn't get anything, does that mean Y doesn't like me Mummy?" .... A preschooler will not understand IMHO. I know having loads of little toys is a pain in the bum (or foot when you stand on them when they've been left on the floor) but that's part of having kids I'm afraid!

Great idea but wait til they are older I say!

I think it's a great idea. I would have been delighted to make a donation like this rather than adding to the plastic tat that is hardly played with and eventually ends up in a landfill.

Great idea, pre-schoolers are too young to expect presents (unless adults have drummed into them 'you will get presents' blah blah blah). My DS had village hall type parties and yes, presents were put on the side as guests arrived, but he took no interest in them, was far more excited to see all his friends, enjoy the games and the tea.

Most children in our society have far, far too many presents.

(Interesting that there such a huge divide of opinion on this subject).

I think your child will notice and will be upset that no one brings a gift. This does not make him grabby or greedy but normal as presents are part of a child's party. Also, what is he does get upset- cry and make a fuss? Is that fair for the birthday child to feel like that at their own party? How will that make the other parents feel who didn't bring a gift? I don't think children having presents at their birthday party makes them spoiled or grabby.

If my child were invited, we would bring a small gift anyway and maybe stick a pound in the tin. I wouldn't feel annoyed about giving a donation at all, nice idea, but I do like to give a child a gift at a party.

Mmm not sure tbh. I have done similar. When DS turned 11 he had a joint party with a friend and had about 40 children attending. The other mum and I got together and at first joked how ridiculous it was that they would end up with so many presents. So with the boys we sat down and discussed it. We decided, with the boys, on asking for a donation and all proceeds would be split between a local bone marrow drive, that was very much relecvant at the time (the boy who was the reason for the drive went to their school) and the other half would be split between the 2 birthday boys. It worked well. The boys felt good, the charity gained.
But at 4? ThinkI would find that tough to be honest, of course they understand about getting presents. Maybe word it that people could bring their loose change/coppers to put in a pre school bucket?

It doesn't matter that no one will know how much, if anything, people put in. People will know themselves, and might feel guilty for not donating and feel like they would have liked to get a gift.

I really don't understand the 'no one will know' point. People's feeling don't depend on other people knowing or not, I feel good or bad about my actions regardless of whether anyone else knows.

YANBU - it's a lovely thing to do and it's sad to see how many people who disagree with you... no doubt they are raising the next generation of entitled materialists. Children should be taught to value experiences over material things so the party itself is the a birthday treat - and many children don't even get that.

Of course a child doesn't need 20 presents. But a child doesn't need a party either.

If you're going to throw one, at least let them have the fun of opening a pile of tat rather than turning it into a fundraising activity.

I admire the fact you want to raise money, but I'd admire it a lot more if you were depriving yourself of something and not your child who has no say in the matter.

I feel good or bad about my actions regardless of whether anyone else knows.

I agree with this. If I felt shit for not being able to afford a 99p present then I would feel just as shit not being able to afford to donate 99p for charity.

Plus, whether we like or not, children go to parties (as guests) expecting to take a present and they enjoy giving the present.

To reduce the pressure since it's a joint party, I'd suggest you just ask them to bring one (unnamed) present and say the two birthday children will divide the gifts in half - so that no-one felt obliged to bring two gifts. That halves the problem for everyone.

And perhaps present an option -'or if you prefer, we'd like to help with toys/donations for the preschool so rather than bringing a gift please bring a donation for the preschool'.

I agree with Worra. Op will you ask for donations instead of presents for your birthday? Because that would be a good example to set your DC. I remember my mum doing that for many a year and it stuck with me. I have done similar since (not every year though have to be honest) Still don't think you should do it for 4yr olds birthday though.

"I think you need to separate your desire to help the preschool from your child's birthday and guests' choices."

THAT.

And I also dont like the way you turn your nose up at "cheap" presents that many children appreciate, most parents (redundancy or not) can afford, but you have decided are not worthy.

So, you decide to offer up your childs party as a fundraiser for two reasons:

1. Because some families are hard up (how do you think they would feel if they get to know that they are part of the reason there were no birthday presents, because you assumed they would not be able to afford a piece of unwanted cheap tat? You have discussed their financial situation?? How rude!)
2. Fundraiser for the preschool.

I think you are trying to use your childs party to glorify yourself. It cant just be a party, it has to be a fundraiser for preschool, and without presents because some families are hard up? It seems strange.

it's sad to see how many people who disagree with you... no doubt they are raising the next generation of entitled materialists.

I see it as exactly the opposite tbh. When children are 3 and 4 years old, birthday parties are an excellent opportunity to help teach them about not being materialistic.

Children can be encouraged to think about what the other person might like, especially if its a child who they don't play with a lot or if its a child of the opposite sex with different interests. You can talk to you child about how much you have to spend on a birthday present and get them to help choose something in the right price range. They can wrap up and give a present and they get to experience how lovely it feels to do a nice thing for someone else. Then they receive thanks for that and they get to feel even more tat they did a good thing.

Sorry, but putting a couple of quid in a box so that we have extra stuff to play with at pre school doesn't have quite the same effect.

Go for it OP. Parents who want to to give the boys present will do it any way what ever you say, those who are skint won't feel obliged and those who despair at yet another party can stick a few quid in a tin and breathe a sign of relief.

You can safely ignore party bags too, send them home with a slice of cake and a balloon.

We did something similar for DS and a friend. they still were given 6-10 presents each ( some people ignore the request but that is THEIR problem not yours) but those were of modest scale.

I would feel rude going to a party empty handed, so would end up doing both.

Not read the whole thread. I think the charity tin is a great idea. I also think it would be nice of the birthday boys to each receive one present (could be their main present from parents) at the party also, so they still have the excitement of presents.

I would feel awkward turning up to a party with no gift and you know that however much you explain before hand they will still be disappointed when guests turn up empty handed. Have you seen kids when they give other kids presents? My dc's still get so excited they always blurt out what it is.

Seriously, do people not teach their young children about benefits of charity? And being selfless?

If I explained to my dd1 that she was getting lots of presents from family, but her friends are giving the money to make her nursery even more fun she would understand. She understands the concept of charity.

When it was my dd2s 4th bday this month, her aunt bought her three presents, she opened the second and was like "this is not mine, I like the first one, the first one is mine" we had to explain that all 3 presents were hers and she could have them all, and she was genuinely amazed by that.

I think donating to charity also gived an opportunity to teach children about giving?

Just adding. My DDs friends and she all club in together for one single larger present for each of their birthdays. They've been doing this for a few years now and it works well. They all sign a large card too.

i'm not sure that you are teaching your children to be selfless and non-materialistic.i think it could well have the opposite effect.
You are making the decision to snatch gifts from your child to raise funds for something you have chosen (maybe to make yourself look good?)
How are your actions a good example?

I think that each child knowing that you are expected to take a gift when invited to a party is a healthy havit to get into, its about them giving rather than the birthday children receiving, and you always attend more parties than you throw so isn't it nice to have one where you get a mountain of dinosaurs (I have two boys, don't think we ever got a single dinosaur?!)

I'm not sure the charity donation box teaches anything, not if its out of sight, and if its in sight I don't think the children really need that particular lesson on a party day.

Charity should be a personal choice. Mummy denying Birthday Gifts from friends (in return for a party, that is the mutual exchange) feels mean. If your child wanted to give to charity, thats something they can do when they choose to and I am all for encouraging that... my children donate their USED toys, they sell their ex-party crap at car boot sales and give the proceeds to charity, and that is where the best lesson lies.

It's a hell of a lot easier to teach children the benefits of charity and being selfless when you choose to use a charity with clearly deserving beneficiaries to illustrate your point.

A 4yo might be able to grasp that they are children in Africa who have no food or toys and therefore we should be charitable towards them. Or that there are children in hospital who are very sick so we need to be charitable to them too.

Most 4yos I know would find it quite hard to grasp the concept of charity going to their own pre school, which as far as their are concerned has lovely teachers, lovely toys and is generally a great place to be.

I think concepts like that are too complicated for a 3-4 yo to be able to teach them anything meaningful about selflessness and charity. And it's hardly selfless if they themselves are the beneficiaries.

We are going to give some money to your nursery because all the lovely things it has costs money, etc etc, when you get too big for nursery all the other little children who come to the nursery will be able to enjoy the stuff that your money bought, instead of just making just one friend happy, you will be making all your friends happy, and lots of other children you haven't met happy.

It's not that hard really. Well imo I don't think its hard,

As for giving charity when they choose to, does that mean that when the schools have harvest festival etc you wouldn't let them give because they didn't choose, they were coerced?
Or would that be a choice since it had been explained to them about poor people?
If it is a choice then if you explain we could donate the money and the results are lots of kids will be happy and we will still make a card and put some stickers and sweets in, is that a nice idea? Then is that a choice?

I think it's mean to your child and the children coming to the party. Birthdays are a great time for children to show their generosity and affection to each other. If you don'[t want your haouse full of toys instead of getting anything more than a small token get your families and yourself to donate to the preschool.