If you went to a preschooler's party, would this piss you off?

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Namechanged because this may out me IRL and I post personal stuff under my normal username.

I should say that this is a genuine question, not a please-validate-me. I really don't know whether this is a nice idea, or a really annoying one that would make you eye-roll.

DS is having a birthday party with another kid from the same community preschool. We are hiring a cheap local hall for it. There will be around 30 families in total by the time outside friends are counted, 2/3 of whom will be kids from the same preschool. The other kids belong to close family friends on both sides.

The playgroup depends heavily on local fundraising and is really fab, IMO. The staff are great and the parent committee work bloody hard. The parents all know this, and most do contribute to the various events as well as volunteering to help with chores and sessions. Staff are very undemanding in terms of salaries (they are all committed to early years ed. and many are highly qualified; no-one sits around bored drinking tea and keeping a vague eye - they all seem to love what they do) and do a lot of fundraising themselves.

We have already decided to ask for no presents, for a couple of reasons (selfish and otherwise). What I want to know is, if you went to a party for a kid from your own child's community preschool, would you mind if the invite stated: "Please do not bring presents for the birthday boys, but there will be a collection box for XYZ Preschool by the door, should you want to contribute."

Would that piss you off and sound really prissy, or seem like a good idea? It could raise as much as a specific fundraising event does, and the preschool need the money. But I don't want to make people feel like it's a demand for a donation, either. It just seemed like a good opportunity if people wanted to chuck a couple of quid in instead of the 2 plastic dinosaurs or whatever they'd usually get as presents. And a collection tin would mean nobody would know who gave what/at all. Plus it benefits most of the kids at the party, so it's not like I'm asking for my own pet charity.

AIBU to think of doing this?

BalloonSlayer said exactly what I wanted to. If I was invited, I don't think I could not bring a present, even if just a very small token gift. The joy of presents for small children is the anticipation and opening them, not the actual gift, and it is a very short time in their life that they will get lots of gifts to unwrap so I would feel a bit mean attending a party without something.

No exotic, I seen Parties when the child has opened straight away, my dd ASD 5 did this too as she could not wait , we got to thank te gift giver personally and they could see her with the toy

I have never seen the DC open them- they go in a dustbin liner for later.

IF the birthday DC is going to open them in front of the giver, so they can see the reaction and thank them in person- and do away with mother's computerised letter then I take it all back.

I'm with worra.

I think the child will notice and not be happy

exotic it might be that my DC opesn't get to see the present opened, but she would still have chosen, wrapped and carried in the present. My DCs love doing that, and would wonder why they weren't doing it at this party.

I wouldn't mind tbh. My dc went to a joint party with lots of children, and the invite asked for donations to GOSH rather than presents. The children were 3, I think.

I bought both girls some hair clips and stickers that fitted into a card envelope and didn't think twice about it. The children just seemed to enjoy the party.

Given how many of the children go to the pre-school I think this could work as an idea, and if you really don't want presents then it gives an alternative for parents who might feel uncomfortable not bringing anything. I think you need to word your suggestion very carefully though. Is there perhaps some piece of play equipment that would help the pre-school and the boys would love laying with perhaps? Then you could say something along the lines of 'the boys have lots to play with at home but they would love to play with x at pre-school (and then the rest of your message).

Personally I would feel a bit if I were asked for a charity donation at a children's party. I would feel obliged to donate, even if I did not want to, because my child had been invited. I think you need to keep the two issues seperate. Not use the party guests as a captive audience to raise money. Feels wrong somehow. Sorry.

I think a fundraising collection for the preschool is a really great idea. I would certainly not be upset or offended by this. As long as it is placed somewhere discreet so that it doesn't become obvious who is and isn't throwing a few pennies in. Maybe close to the bounty castle as there will be lots of activity there anyway.

Fwiw, my best friend did something similar for her DDs 4th birthday. No presents and instead a voluntary online contribution to an orphanage in a third world country. She raised over £200. DD loved her party, some parents bought small gifts anyway, and her GPs/ fily still got her presents. Awesome idea in my book.

Nice idea but a bit crappy in reality. It's all about the presents at that age. Why not have a sort out of dcs toys, with dc before birthday party and donate some old toys to preschool/charity to make room for new gifts. We ALWAYS find money for party child's presents no matter what our financial state, you can get great little gifts at cheap prices, so don't assume your cash strapped friends can't find a few quid.

Have the charity box but don't ask for donations on the invitations as it does seem a bit presumptious.
If you really don't want presents, you could suggest the invitees draw a picture for your DC and then make them into a memory book with photos of the party etc for him. Otherwise he may well wonder why he has to buy presents for X, Y and Z's parties but noone gave him anything for his...?
I think the no gifts idea only really works with older children who can be consulted with and who understand the notion of charity. At 4 it does seem mean

If the children have doting parents and GPs (as they seem to) then they won't miss out on a few crappy plastic dinosaurs.

OP, it's a good idea and the money raised will not only benefit your DS but many more children, perhaps ones who wouldn't be able to have a party and get crappy plastic dinosaurs at all.

I would bet that half the presents never get touched and will be recycled, given to a charity shop or donated to a fete or similar.

sounds fine OP.

Still, don't deprive your PFB's of the opportunity to receive loads of tat, it makes them so very very happy, and you take away the pleasure of present giving from guests

buying and giving a present to a kid is fun, you know?

We did similar for ds. We put on the invites 'please not to give presents but instead there will be a donation tin to the nspcc avaiable for those that wished'. No one minded, many said what a lovely idea it was. The only thing I would say is there was a lot less put in that tin than I think would have been spent on presents. Still every bit helps. As for ds not getting any presents, he did, plenty! But only from very close friends and family. He was more than happy to collect money for 'the children that never got presents'. Surely it teaches him the value of giving as well? Plus how much plastic junk can your house hold? Go for it op.

Google Loonies and Toonies parties.

Honestly, you sound lovely in your intentions, but to me this is so, so mean. I would think you are prescious and end up giving a present and a donation.

Pre-school children just can't rationalise like adults, and I really thing you are taking a big element of the party away.

I used to monitor Domestic Abuse refuges. I remember one year chatting with a volunteer who proudly told me she made her children give all thier Christmas presents to the refuge each year as it made them 'good people'. And there is the crux - made. Not chose. Those poor kids.

Why not ask your children to give a bit of money they receive to the preschool, and explain to them why it would be a kind thing to do?

We did this for our DD when she had a roomful of toys and we really didn't want another 20 plastic presents for her. Should it be about what she wanted? Well, she might have wanted 20 presents but she really did not need them. She did get 2 or 3 presents anyway.

I wish more people would do this. Kids are drowning in stuff, and the environment is groaning under the weight of it.

How many has each child invited?

TBH I´d want to compromise I think & get a small present for the child & give a small donation also.

I'm probably being a bit hypocritical because when we baptised dd we stipulated that no gifts were required and suggested a donation to the SCBU unit that saved her life. We got around 1/3 gifts, 1/3 cash for her, 1/3 cash for the unit.

I'd be a bit gutted for the kids in this instance, though, tearing shiny paper off piles of gifts is part and parcel of small person parties. If its a big party I tend to choose books or colouring/craft things for small people, they tend to be more appreciated. Few quid in a supermarket will do it, I don't begrudge it and we're quite skint.

Just let them have their presents, bless them. If I was attending and saw the tin, I would probably chuck a quid in anyway, but if you asked me to in place of buying the birthday boys a gift I'd think twice about coming.

I think it's a good idea. I've been to parties where a collection has been made for the local children's hospital.

I must admit to buying something small for the birthday child as well though.

Another thing I've seen done is a group arty type thing which all the children do but the birthday child gets to take away as a kind of present from everyone. The one I saw was done on a large square piece of cardboard, the children could stand all around it and paint/stick things on. It was based around the birthday child's favourite book. Don't know if this would be an option so people felt the child has a present of some kind too?

I wouldn't like it tbh.

I'm not a fan of being asked to support things I don't support as a gift. I choose my own worthy causes, unless someone has asked for donations to a particular charity instead of flowers for a funeral.

I like doing all the gift choosing with children, it's nice for them to get involved and have a gift to hand over, and you are taking that away from them.

I think its very sad for the children involved.
Leave the tin out and if people want to donate then they can! I hate forced charity donations and woukd never go to a childs party without a gift!!!!

I don't think the dc will miss out as others have said the presents are usually stuck on the side and then get carted home. You'll get some bringing a little gift anyway plus you have family and close friends gifts.

It's a great idea imo. Especially as they're so small and won't notice yet.

But no one will be forced into giving a donation, nor will anyone know how much (if any) they put in. I'm amazed at the number of people who object to the idea to be honest, what a materialistic society our children are going to be growing up in.