To wonder - is it normal to feed you children cheaper food than you eat yourself?

[Mrsbiggs]

We (OH, me and 5 of our various children) had corn on the cob with dinner last night. DS (15) and DD (13) said "we aren't allowed to have this at dads - its "adult food"".

I was a bit and asked them what they meant. Apparently their dads OH (they have been together 4 yrs I have never met her but she has caused many many issues, and destroyed a once amicable and friendly divorce) - buys economy food for the children ( she has 2 DC of her own) and finest food for her and the kids dad. They have Heinz beans and the kids have value range, at BBQ's the kids are only allowed a burger or a sausage, not kebabs or chops etc and they aren't allowed pudding (and have to watch the "adults") eat theirs, and they are not allowed to talk at the dinner table . The adults have chops etc while the DC have pasta bake.

Am I right in thinking this is appalling, and bordering on abusive or do other people do this?

I've heard of a lot of people doing this. I would never do it and I think it's awful. Everyone should eat the same standard of food.

My ex husband said his dad always used to feed him and his brother value pasta and tomato puree while the dad had lasagna or meat whatever and they had a padlocked food cupboard the kids weren't allowed to touch with chocolate etc in it.... mean. Needless to say ex has horrendous issues with food.

Really weird! We generally eat the same, but sometimes I buy the children special "treat" food like mangos / smoothies / nice yoghurts, whereas I tend to skimp on this stuff for DH and I. Can't imagine not wanting the children to eat well!

They don't live there .

He has access every other weekend.

My mother and step father used to this, it's not unheard of at all.

Some of the attitudes on here make me feel really :(

I agree that children should respect their elders. If the sofa is full of adults the children should sit on the floor. Adults should have occasional treats etc if they want to.

But to say children are less inmportant and that as these kids arent bothered it makes it ok is really sad.

My DD is the most important thing in my life. I could never imagine cooking two versions of the same meal so that she knew her place.

I completely agree wannabe. I am utterly stunned at some comments on here.

One of my foster carers had seperate larders and fridge freezers, one set full of blue and white tesco labels, on filled with branded/luxury items.
She only had one older son living at home, she had different dinners to us, seperate tables and cutlery as well.

It was a big victorian house, the living room had 2 large sofas and 2 arm chairs, one sofa was practically made out of dog hairs and smelled like pigs ears the dog used to get, it was never said out loud, but we weren't welcome on the nice sofa, used to get lots of looks etc so we mostly sat on the floor, which smelt as well.
Lovely way to build self esteem in troubled, abused, neglected young individuals.

This happens a lot more often than you would like to believe.

Don't know anyone who does it to their children. But I do know people who do it to students that are staying at their house!

Another possible justification is if the children have a cooked school dinner, they only need a light meal in the evening while the parents have their main meal at night but it sounds like it goes a lot further than this

I also find the attitude of the children won't care to be wrong too, I'm sure none of them would care if they never saw another vegetable again doesn't mean we don't serve them up.

My kids only eat differently from me if its something they don't like, dd1 doesn't like heinz spaghetti and only eats the value stuff so I buy that for her and heinz for the rest of us, or sometimes dh and I will have some lovely fresh fish which the kids aren't keen on so I will get them frozen fillets or similar instead and very occassionally dh and I will wait until they are in bed and order a takeaway then get rid of the evidence. Other than that I think its horrible to make tham feel like second class members of their own family. I can't believe the grown ups sit and eat pudding in front of them and don't let them have any. Poor kids.

This will out me I'm sure, but never mind.

I was once fostered by a family who did this. The tip of the iceberg was that 'fosters' were only allowed Tesco value bread, lemonade, coffee and UHT milk freely, everything else was locked away. Their own kids (younger than us) had orange juice etc, and a key to the cupboard and other fridge. They also had keys to their (ensuite) rooms, and we were kept in a different part of the house with revolting bathroom. We were not allowed in their living room or to use the shower downstairs.

I know of another foster family that goes even further than this - this is not seen as abnormal by social services. :(

Oh God OTTMummA - I don't think we're talking about the same foster carers - must be really common :(

I cannot believe foster careers do this . They are more than generously compensated financially for their charges.

In our house its the other way round! dh and i have fishfingers while Ds has taste the difference king prawns. Last week we had burgers and he had a small steak.....

Its a bit of a family joke!!

I saw foster kids living in a shed at the bottom of a garden, attending the local shite state school whilst the women's kids were at private. I'm sure it's fairly unusual for kids in care to be treated as they would within a normal family and wish people who phone SS at the drop of a hat would realise what a money spinner the care system is.

As others have said my DCs might get sausages instead of steak or malteasers instead of chocolate truffles, but if we were all having sausages we'd all have the same (apart from me - vegi) unless DH wanted chilli ones or something like that.

That's terrible!

starfish why?

Don't you worry about him becoming self entitled?

Tangeant but I still think SS should be called in most potentially abusive situations, despite my many bad experiences.

oh god, just read that about foster parents :( The ones who post on here seem lovely (the one who was incensed that Venture wouldn't include her fdd on a 'family' picture, and the one who was supported on a horrible train journey to hand her fdd over to her new home). I had naively hoped they were all like that :(

I dunno I'd rather be abused by parents than abused by strangers, it's often out of the frying pan into the fire.

I know ShobGiteTheKnid i thought we were for a second until you said they had younger children.

I have to say that i have had some very lovely foster carers when i was younger (who i still talk and write to ) but once you get to the teenager stage, i found that it was seen to be more acceptable to not include you in a lot of the family life, it was ok to treat you as an outsider.. you are no longer the little girl with big sad eyes anymore, you look more resiliant and not as needy, sad truth is that you feel like an outsider and different most of the time as a teenager in normal family environment, without having it shoved in your face that you are not one of the 'family'.
This kind of differencial treatment compounds most of your negative feelings about yourself, how you are soooo not worthy of being accepted and of being loved.

I can really see how a few small things could be easily exaggerated by a teenager to make a situation seem really bad tbh. My own 16 year old, who is absolutely lovely, very polite, kind, thoughtful etc does it. He tells people I never laugh, smile or have a joke with them. Of course I do, but I can see how if he was telling someone this (and laughing about it, just like the OP's DC were) and they wanted to believe it, then they would think I never laughed, smiled or joked.

I sometimes buy cheaper versions of things for the DC. Not because they are any less important, but because I want a certain type or lower calorie thing and they don't want/need that. So, I might buy Mullerlights for myself/DH and own brand yoghurts for the kids. (or whatever is on offer) I buy low fat Supernoodles for myself (they are free food on a Slimming World 'green day' ) but buy Smartprice noodles for the children. If they did a cheaper low fat version, I'd get that. Sometimes I have bought Ben and Jerry's Icecream for adults but the Asda own version of that for the DC, usually as it means they can have two or three flavours to our one, sometimes I've also bought the DC Ben and Jerrys.

I can easily see though, how the above, if DS was telling my exH and we didn't get on and he was laying it on thick 'oh, yeah, Mum gets herself Ben and Jerrys and we just get Asda' Or similar that my exH could think I always feed myself better things than the kids.

Ds is only 2 but still eats the same as me most of the time. The times we don't eat the same he probably eats better than me!