To wonder - is it normal to feed you children cheaper food than you eat yourself?

[Mrsbiggs]

We (OH, me and 5 of our various children) had corn on the cob with dinner last night. DS (15) and DD (13) said "we aren't allowed to have this at dads - its "adult food"".

I was a bit and asked them what they meant. Apparently their dads OH (they have been together 4 yrs I have never met her but she has caused many many issues, and destroyed a once amicable and friendly divorce) - buys economy food for the children ( she has 2 DC of her own) and finest food for her and the kids dad. They have Heinz beans and the kids have value range, at BBQ's the kids are only allowed a burger or a sausage, not kebabs or chops etc and they aren't allowed pudding (and have to watch the "adults") eat theirs, and they are not allowed to talk at the dinner table . The adults have chops etc while the DC have pasta bake.

Am I right in thinking this is appalling, and bordering on abusive or do other people do this?

Do your children have a habit of jumping on furniture, not taking their shoes off, spilling food and drink all over it perhaps?

With your comment about the sofa thing, I think this could potentially be a borderline abusive situation. Sometimes abuse does not come in the form of one or two specific incidents, it's a cumulative effect. And when you go to a place which you should treat as your home, and you are given lower quality food and not allowed to sit in certain places....I think that can contribute to an abusive environment.

I feel very sorry for your DCs that they have just accepted this as the way it is. :(

Sounds horrible. But sometimes kids do want different things from the adults, as has been noted. And with my stepdaughters (teenagers) we always give them sausages when we have steak because my DH and I love steak and treat ourselves to a really nice one, but the DSDs actually prefer sausages (we found this out when we were asked, when presenting very lovely and expensive fillet steaks to them, oh no, do we really have to have steak again?!).

i went to a bbq with some new neighbours, the bloke says ' i've got the kids the cheap basic sausages as they will eat anything won't they?' i was and and totally WTF?! turns out my son won't eat anything, and shared my kebab with me!! have since discovered they are in fact total weirdo's so looking forward to no more bbq's!
i think it's mean :(

Sometimes my DCs will have cheaper food than us but only when we want something that the DCs don't like eg curry - so they might have fish fingers and beans (both value range, because they taste no different) and we will eat when they are in bed. But we don't get different 'quality' versions of the same item - we only recently downbranded the beans but we all eat the same type.

Sorry if you already said this but does ex's oh have her own DCs too?

squeakytoy "To most kids quanity is preferable to quality. To most adults it is the opposite way around."

Agree with this ^

We have it with DS 13yo - we had steak for dinner last night - in the supermarket he rolled his eyes at the small (IHO) pieces I bought for DH and me - I told him he could spend the same amount, so he picked a massive piece of cheap frying steak, while we had small but lovely Aberdeen Angus.

Same as with crisps and chocolates - we prefer hand cooked crisps, Green and Blacks, whereas the DC want mahoosive packs of crap

There's a difference between the occasional luxury adult treat, and making every meal about expensive and cheap, imo. I can't get my head around corn on the cob being a luxury, adult food. Fresh fruit and veg is surely something you want to encourage your DC to eat . I've always thought that as DC are still growing, it's more important that they get good quality food. I work on the basis that I eat for maintenance now, but they're, you know, not finished being built yet.

Squeaky - biscuits are a bit different to actual food. There is no nutritional value in a biscuit, whether it's cheap or expensive, but if adults are buying nutritious food for themselves and crap for their dc, then that's appalling behaviour.

It's okay to buy different food for your dc, because not everyone likes the same things, but to deliberately buy them cheaper/less nutritious food is horrible.

Blimey, just seen about the sofa.

So she's determined to be an archetypal wicked stepmother then? Are the DC calling each other Cinders and Buttons by any chance?

My step-mum was like that.
I had to have my own cereal, orange juice and spread (and know I was give cheaper beans and tinned goods when she cooked - when I cooked I ate what I liked!), all cheaper own labels. I was Never allowed Lurpack as it was hers and my dads. (But when the mice are away I ate buttery toast every morning with Lurpack )
I was 17 and in the end I started eating at my BF mum's (now MIL), the food was mostly value there, but everyone ate the same! It was the segrigation at my dads that I hated. MIL treated me like her own and I was like a real family member.
I think it was stepmums way of pushing me out if I am honest, and she threw in a lot of chores for me that I know she never made my step-brother do! And my dad never challenged her on it, so it drove a huge wedge between us.

I took the hint and left home and moved in with my MIL at 19. I was paying more board at home that at MIL's (she charged me the same as her children, where as stepmum made me pay where step brother had not paid at all!) but she did everything for me.

YANBU at all. Everyone should be fed to the same standard that the household can afford!

That is appalling -my best friends mum and evil stepdad used to do something similar. And yes, she does have a truly fucked up relationship with her mother now.

Lets say there was a buffet. If you put the kids in front of it, the majority would go for sausages, nuggets, crisps, basically as much of the cheap snacky stuff that they could get, whereas adults would be more likely to opt for the expensive posh stuff..

Adult palates are more refined than a childs usually.

I am sure there will be a few people whose children are foodies and only like air dried parma ham with slivers of parmesan, but give most kids a choice and they would rather have a ham and cheese spread sandwich.

I'd be less worried about your two, teenagers know that many adults are insane, and they have you to provide a healthy and sensible contrast. Hence the laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. They are also old enough to say 'Stuff this, we are not going' and be free of the whole mess.
I'd be very concerned at the life that the woman's own children are suffering, and the spinelessness of your ex in his compliance.

Oh to the sofa.
It just sounds like meanness for meanness sake.

Yes squeaky "give the kids a choice" is key.

The OPs DC arent getting a choice though are they?

"There is no nutritional value in a biscuit, whether it's cheap or expensive, but if adults are buying nutritious food for themselves and crap for their dc, then that's appalling behaviour."

I agree IF that was the case, but I suspect there is little difference in the nutritional value of heinz baked beans versus Smart Price. I also cant see that pasta bake would be less nutritional than a pork chop either.

Definitely not.
The only "adult" "food" is wine. :o

On the OP, the adults don't need that much meat, anyway, whereas the children do to grow up.

It would be fun if those parents were to live in their children's houses after retirement, and only be allowed value food whilst watching their children get the best food.
Or only be served value range during visits too.

I totally agree Squeaky and anyway if kids are brought up to see 'luxury' foods as normal, how will they ever appreciate the fact it's supposed to be a treat?

I think it's perfectly fine for adults to treat themselves to the odd steak or lamb chop even if they can't afford them for the whole family.

However, making the kids live off low value food when you're regularly eating better food is a different matter.

That's if it is actually happening regularly.

And that doesn't explain value baked beans vs Heinz does it? Surely Heinz isn't an 'adult' taste?

I have known a very long time ago when money was very short a few families who did this. Usually if the Dad was in a hard job physically he might get good meat and the children would get something else. But absolutely not economy rage for Kids and special range for parents. That's dreadful. Horrible selfish woman. Corn on the cob adult food.

I would also say though, that if these conditions are only applying to the OPs children, while the SMs own children ARE getting the more expensive food, and are allowed on the sofa, then there is inequality.

I dont believe in children getting everything that adults get, or even being treated the same as adults, but I do think all children in the family should be treated equally under the same roof other than age-appropriate rules such as bedtimes etc..

Just because some kids might choose to eat crap though, it doesn't mean they shouldn't be given anything better by their parents. The adults should be trying to get them to eat decent food, not actively depriving them of it!

I dont think its got anything to do with nutritional value in this case though.

Its about marking a clear difference between adults and children. The parents get Heinz and the kids are less important so they get smart price and arent allowed to sit on the sofa.

Its abusive IMO.

"On the OP, the adults don't need that much meat, anyway, whereas the children do to grow up"

since when has any child NEEDED meat to grow up??

A lot of children would actually prefer pasta bake rather than chops too.

Sounds like a right faff to me!!

Cooking two different lots of baked beans..

I think if it had been say curry and finfingers and chips, then I could understand it, but the same food and cheaper for the kids is ridiculous.