To wonder - is it normal to feed you children cheaper food than you eat yourself?

[Mrsbiggs]

We (OH, me and 5 of our various children) had corn on the cob with dinner last night. DS (15) and DD (13) said "we aren't allowed to have this at dads - its "adult food"".

I was a bit and asked them what they meant. Apparently their dads OH (they have been together 4 yrs I have never met her but she has caused many many issues, and destroyed a once amicable and friendly divorce) - buys economy food for the children ( she has 2 DC of her own) and finest food for her and the kids dad. They have Heinz beans and the kids have value range, at BBQ's the kids are only allowed a burger or a sausage, not kebabs or chops etc and they aren't allowed pudding (and have to watch the "adults") eat theirs, and they are not allowed to talk at the dinner table . The adults have chops etc while the DC have pasta bake.

Am I right in thinking this is appalling, and bordering on abusive or do other people do this?

When I was little, my friend's mum used to do this. Her and her brother ate egg on toast mostly, her mum & mum's boyfriend used to eat steak.

My mum always used to feed them when they came to our house, even if it was only a plate of biscuits (in their house biscuits were only for adults. Nothing to do with health/diet btw, they didn't get any fruit other than apples for the same reason...).

I'd like to think this was fairly uncommon, but I still know people now who would get themselves an expensive takeaway whilst their DC were eating smartprice nuggets.

Find it interesting that a lot of the posters who do this themselves also suggest my DC are lying or exaggerating - they are not.

I NEVER do this and we have 6 DC between us which is expensive - but I just get inventive in the kitchen.

MN is confusing at times though.

There are loads of people on this thread saying they never treat themselves to a more expensive/better quality meal if their kids can't have the same.

And yet look how many people post to say they're eating a huge bar of chocolate/whole cake/insert other expensive treat...while their kids aren't even allowed a glass of squash and are made to drink water only.

If those children were questioned, they might well say their parents give them 'cheaper' things to eat and that they don't get as much luxury as their parents do.

I think it's all in how the child/teenager perceives it really and if the couple the OP is talking about could see this thread...their explanation might be very different.

Just a thought.

Mosman I can only assume you have little experience of this. Children are rarely removed from their families just because they were fed a bit differently and had rubbish bathrooms. Believe me when I say that every foster child I have ever known, with the exception of those teenagers in care through their own behaviour, were removed from families that could not do a better job than the worst of foster carers, sadly.

I have more experience than most unfortunately although I acknowledge teens end up in care for different reasons.

What horrendous stories about some foster carers! How is this allowed to happen? Surely there are checks etc which are done before children are placed? I would imagine that completely equal treatment would be essential to make a child feel at home. Why on earth do these people foster at all if they aren't willing to treat the children with basic respect? Just disgusting.

Worral - I don't think that would be the case - sadly.

She spends a lot of time putting the kids down/telling them that they are basically not important because they are a child - and yes my ex is a fool. She left the handbrake off in the new car and dented it and blamed the kids .

They made some scones once and she put 5 on her plate and ate them in front of them and gave DC and ex 1/2 each. She cuts her birthday cake in half and has 1/2 herself and gives the DC a small slice.

She is a total control freak, hence she put her own child into care when she turned 13 and became difficult to control.

(Looks guiltily at the packet of Thortons Caramel Shortcake Fingers that I scoffed all to myself - secretly - while babysitting - accompanied by ds - last night. )

He asked this morning if he could have one and I just said no - I've had them

He was however there when I'd bought them and I had just basketted a load of treaty stuff for him for school that he doesn't usually have then when moved on to said fingers we said this is my treat.

Still feel v guilty though, though they were all scrummy!!

But no would never do that. That's downright shitty.

My kids eat all the same things that we do, they may get offered an alternative when they don't like what we're having but as my OH is a vegetarian then he gets something different to us most nights anyway.

I also buy things just for them like squash, cheesestrings and dunkers.

My neighbours did this....they had steak and the kids had cheap frozen pizza. ALL the time...whatever the adults had, the kids got some horrid instant crap.

we all eat the same in this house unless i want something the dc's dislike. i would go without food to make sure my dc's ate if cost of food was a issue.

i do know a family whose kids live on marmite sandwiches whilst adults have steak and other food they also have the sofa rule. these are the same kids who hang around the village shop trying to bully younger kids into stealing food or stealing it from the shop. the family has apsolutly no excuse other than learned behaviour for this none at all (and i am privey to financial info about them)

If it's a matter of something they wouldn't appreciate, then, yes, I give the kids a simpler option, specially if it's just one of the, that won't eat or enjoy what we're having (eg DH, DS2 and I will share a M&S chinese on a saturday and DS1 hates it so enjoys the opportunity to have a veggie burger). He'll still get to share some of the tenderstem broccoli or whatever that DH and I are having on the side, though, despite it being expensive.

I know the (by now old fashioned) the man must have meat because he's the breadwinner and doing a manual job but this is actually differentiated based on quality isn't it?

My DC know good food and prefer it. They'd choose fresh fish or steak over a bloody chicken nugget any day!

Mrsbiggs , please tell us she's the size of a house eating all that crap herself?

Tailtwister? because sadly, it is a job that not a lot of the 'right' people want to expose themselves to, the lack of support for Foster carers in some areas is at best dismal, at worst neglectful.

The foster carer that had the seperate larders and fridge/freezers pack my bags up one day and left them out on the front step which i came back to after school, then had to lug and drag 2 bug suitcases 5 miles to SS and then spent the next 3 months in a bedsit which housed drug users and prostitutes because i was just over 16 and at such short notice they had no where to put me, i wasn't high on the list of prorities.
Turns out my Social worker had had a nervous breakdown and hadn't arranged any new placement for me, i only turned up on the radar of SS again when i ended up in intensive care after taking an overdose of anti depressants with cider and stabbing myself in the arm a few times trying to kill myself.
No one except a few teachers at school had come to visit me in the bedsit in 3 months, before that i was having regular visits from my SW and attending the Youth worker support classes, but the had an upheval in how they operated and a new head of team for my area and a few of the children turning 16 got ignored for a good long while, oh and no apology from them when they realised their mistake.

Someone up thread said "Was my Dad to go without a chop all his life?" as a way of explaining away why he had chops and the dc had sausages...the answer is..yes. Until he has less kids at home!

My dad would never have sat and eaten lamb whilst we had sausages! I can't remember when DH and I had lamb....we eat chicken, mince and occasionally beef...we're still alive!

I agree with Worra on this, I'd be interested in seeing the perspective of the Dad and his partner. I also wonder why anyone would allow their DC to stay with someone who they'd never met and who apparently treated them so badly from the ages of 9 and 11.

Mrspnut, I also buy seperate food just for the DC, sweets, biscuits, certain crisps they like etc, so it makes sense that I would also have a few 'treats' just for me sometimes, such as a nice box of chocolates, for example, as people have mentioned here.

She is overweight yes .

The children choose to go he is their father and has access?!- and how many of us have met our exes new partners?!

I have never met DSS's mum and she let him fly here on his own aged 14 knowing his dad wasn't even here.

I met my DSD's mum after they had been here several times.

.

I'm sure all mum's with fussy DCs do this some times.

DD2 will get cheap pizza or chicken nuggets sometimes because she simply won't eat fancy pizza with veg or interesting stir fry.

However, she is very partial to steak.

DH and her will eat absolutely any junk rather than fish.

But cheap stuff for DCs just because they are children, no!

So have you only just found out about this?

I'm not having a dig or anything but why is your anger directed more towards your ex's partner than your ex?

After all he is their Dad so why doesn't he buy and cook their food for them and why doesn't he allow his own children to sit on his furniture?

It's a bit unfair that this woman you've never met is getting the brunt of your anger.

I thought most people met their ex's long term partner if their DC would be staying with them. I certainly wouldn't allow my DC (who were surely much younger when they first stayed there) be basically what amounts to bullied by my ex's new partner, I'd either deal with it or make alternative arrangements for access. According to you they are made to sit on the floor when they are there, like second class citizens FFS!

Agree completely with BigFatLegs on both posts.

There is a lot of water under the bridge with her and I. I have been breathalysed on the school run etc - don't want to go into too much other detail and "out" myself.

She hated the fact that ex and I were still friends - things got vv nasty and he and I were at loggerheads only speaking through solicitors for a while - we are now friendly again (secretly - he hides in the shed to phone me ).

He is spineless and as much or more to blame than her - but part of me feel it's an abusive relationship (for him), and he does anything to keep the peace.