To wonder - is it normal to feed you children cheaper food than you eat yourself?

[Mrsbiggs]

We (OH, me and 5 of our various children) had corn on the cob with dinner last night. DS (15) and DD (13) said "we aren't allowed to have this at dads - its "adult food"".

I was a bit and asked them what they meant. Apparently their dads OH (they have been together 4 yrs I have never met her but she has caused many many issues, and destroyed a once amicable and friendly divorce) - buys economy food for the children ( she has 2 DC of her own) and finest food for her and the kids dad. They have Heinz beans and the kids have value range, at BBQ's the kids are only allowed a burger or a sausage, not kebabs or chops etc and they aren't allowed pudding (and have to watch the "adults") eat theirs, and they are not allowed to talk at the dinner table . The adults have chops etc while the DC have pasta bake.

Am I right in thinking this is appalling, and bordering on abusive or do other people do this?

Ohanotherone is right, it is a clear message.

She clearly thinks that the children (I didnt get it from your OP, Mrs is it her kids aswell or just yours?) are not as important and that message will be very damaging to the OPs kids. The SM has set herself up with her new little family and is making it crystal clear that the OPs DC are not a part of that family.

You know what it makes me think of? Harry Potter, of all things. Tolerated but not loved. Given houseroom but not wanted. Its horrible, just horrible.

Has anyone mentioned shampoo? Am I abusive because I don't let the Dc use my posh shampoo?

Hell, no Mardy :o

If your DC are anything like mine they get through gallons of the damn stuff! DD is 15 and has barely shoulder length hair, mine is halfway down my back, yet she gets through 4/5 times as many bottles as I do despite not washing her hair any more often! I buy the cheap stuff, which she doesnt mind using, and then she decants it into my most recently emptied Tresemme bottle incase her mates see it!

Lamb chops are my DC's favourite food EVER. They are criminally expensive, and are about a once a year treat. No WAY could I sit there in front of my 4 DC's, chowing down in their best dinner ever whilst giving them pasta bake. I'd feel like a right bitch.

If I can't afford it for all, then I can't afford it for any.

I DO sometimes have to give 20mo DS3 different food to the rest of us, as he has severe allergies, and unfortunately my other DC's love certain foods that he just CAN'T have (pasta carbonara and lasagne aren't helpful choices with a dairy free DC...).

However - I always make sure that he is given something as similar as possible, but that he likes.

I go without food on plenty of occasions to ensure my DC's have good quality food. I've finished growing except outwards , they haven't. They often have better food than me.

If DD requested a shampoo that was as expensive as my own, I would buy it. And it would last her longer anyway, as her hair is half as long as mine! As it is, she likes a much cheaper one, but that is her choice.

The DS's don't much care...

Couthy how come yours can do that with shampoo and mine cant?! S'not FAIR!!! :o

We love lamb chops but the kids really arent that arsed, so they are a bit "steak night/date night" in this house! They are stupidly expensive arent they? cheaper to by a half leg of lamb, but its just not as nice somehow......

Its like when you hear people at the supermarket picking up cheap stuff and saying "its only for the kids". That really annoys me. I actually do know of at least two mothers who say this and do it too. The one buys normal, not posh food for themselves but for the two children she buys the cheapest value ready meals. She will buy 2 cakes from Sainsburys but will not have the 3rd free one "because she will have to buy another one for XX". She is also the one who said to the boy that if he takes a biscuit without asking she will call the police. Weirdos.

Are you in a position to speak to your ex about this?

I'm really shocked, I'd be upset too. We do have some different food ie kids LOVE supernoodles, we don't, they love that wafer thin ham, we have naice ham, but its their choice, meals are always the same unless circumstances mean we are eating separately but even then they often wander through and want to try it!

Well, I have to go completely against the grain here. I would never dream of going without, so that my children could have better food/clothes/anything.
I think children are valued too highly these days, above parents and I don't see that as right. There seems to be this era of parenting: 'I put my kids first', 'I am a total martyr and go without, so my kids can have'. Many do this. But I actually don't think its right. Kids are not more important. We are all important. My children are no more important than Me. They are only one member of our family, and without Me and Dh, there is no family for them to be part of.

It's mean and horrible, and if it was happening to my kids I would find it hard to let them go.

Yes I think it is abusive, not in terms of nutrition but emotionally yes of course it is cruel to mark your dc out as different and less worthy than other members of the family, especially when they are visiting. Pudding especially is something that kids get excited about and are likely to feel very disappointed about when it is denied to them and not others.

I do hear a lot of this sort of thing though. One child I know has to eat all meals in her room while her half brother and parents eat together in the dining room, is sent to grandparents while the rest of her family go on holiday etc

I give my stepchildren the rubbish food while me, DH and DD eat the nice stuff.

I spent years trying to encourage them to eat healthier food. It didnt work. One only eats 10 items. I get cheap alternatives in. Crap pizzas, sausages and burgers. They eat those. Serve a roast and they only eat chicken and yorkshires. I wont reduce our servings of chicken and give them more just because they dont eat anything else.

Wonder if they say the same about me? Although I understand your children dont receieve a choice.

Im trying to bring DD up to eat a wide range of food as I dont want her to have those habits so she eats what we eat.

I dont see an issue with parents having steak one evening while children have something else. I think there still needs to be a line between children and adults.

If they only eat 10 items, why would you buy the cheapest crap version of those items?
What do they eat when you are eating a roast?
Why can't they just have the bits they like?

Sounds pretty nasty tbh

Yeah I think it's about having choice and being respected rather than being thrown the scraps in Cinderella style

And I agree with Oblomov. All members of the family are equal and should be treated equal . If I gave DH smaller serving and the kids more he would faint. He is built like a rugby player!

They do have bits they do like , chicken and yorkshires!

So what's the problem then? As long as they are eating the same dinner?

And why do you buy the cheap crap for them?

Plus there is always stuff in the freezer like chicken but they cant be bothered to cook it . I refuse to spend out on other additional junk .

They dont eat the same dinner. Its there they want it. I spent years with it going in the bin because it was contaminated with veg or was wet etc. They eat roast but only chicken and yorkshires.

Have you found an expensive pizza that isnt plain? Always havd veg or herbs on them . Believe me id love them to eat what we eat. You would not believe the effort I went to, as mentioned I spent years in thdm. We even ate what they ate for a while. Now I have a DD and she needs healthy food. They can join us but they wont. We do all eat around the table together though.

Years on them!

Just to defend myself some more, I spent years making dinners like curries, pies, stews and then picking out the meat from the veg and frying it dry and serving on noodles or with chips while we had rice or potatoes etc. They are 16 and 18. No more . I have done my time! I have a 10 month old to think of. They can eat what we eat, alter what I cook, cook something healthy like plain chicken and noodles which they lije , or eat the cheap crap I refuse to spend money on. If it makes me nasty. Then I guess I am. They go for thr cheap crap and cheese sandwiches.

I really dont think this is fair at all. And I have never understood the idea that children automatically dont appreciate luxury or good food. In my experience some children and adults appreciate luxury food and some dont.

I have known 5 year olds who do prefer smoked salmon to fish fingers and adults who will eat almost anything that is put in front of them and still think it was lovely.

I have always liked the French idea that you try to encourage good taste in children with food, by giving them at least a little bit of decent food - including luxury items. If they are only ever given crap, then they are likely to grow up only wanting to eat crap.

And I do appreciate this assumes you have the money to buy luxury food for anyone in your family.

At that age they are more than capable of cooking for themselves if they don't like what's on offer. I think you have done your time, Iceberg.

I was astonished at how picky dd's classmates were once she got to primary. Won't eat any veg, don't like fruit blah blah blah. Sleepovers were really horrible for me and dh, as we tried to cater for everyone, including ourselves and dd.

Now dd's at secondary, they get what they're given, or make themselves sandwiches.