To wonder - is it normal to feed you children cheaper food than you eat yourself?

[Mrsbiggs]

We (OH, me and 5 of our various children) had corn on the cob with dinner last night. DS (15) and DD (13) said "we aren't allowed to have this at dads - its "adult food"".

I was a bit and asked them what they meant. Apparently their dads OH (they have been together 4 yrs I have never met her but she has caused many many issues, and destroyed a once amicable and friendly divorce) - buys economy food for the children ( she has 2 DC of her own) and finest food for her and the kids dad. They have Heinz beans and the kids have value range, at BBQ's the kids are only allowed a burger or a sausage, not kebabs or chops etc and they aren't allowed pudding (and have to watch the "adults") eat theirs, and they are not allowed to talk at the dinner table . The adults have chops etc while the DC have pasta bake.

Am I right in thinking this is appalling, and bordering on abusive or do other people do this?

No, it's not normal, but it happens. I remember my mum telling me about my grandad's neighbour who said she'd just bought a lovely piece of - some expensive cut of meat - for her dinner and laughed and said "I don't know what they'll have" which on its own wouldn't mean anything, but they had a history of being selfish, so it was fairly clear.

It is odd to me because I have always felt the opposite to be what you do as a parent - your children first. Feed your children first. In lean times, that means you get the scraps, but your children come first. and if there isn't enough money for everyone to indulge in fine dining - then nobody does! If there's one steak - the children have it and you nibble on a bit of toast and pretend you're not hungry! You don't sit there chowing down on a t-bone while your kids have beans on toast unless the kids turn their noses up at it all and want beans on toast, pizza or chips, of course, and you're battling to get them to try the nice stuff! and of course special meals aren't the same thing. I'm talking day in day out, every meal, kids eat lower quality stuff not because they want to but because the parents decide to always get themselves fed on the good stuff but not the children.

If you feed your kids lower quality processed food, they'll be less likely to develop the taste for the good stuff, so you can continue to happily eat your high quality food while they choose to eat crap. No guilt, just convenient training.

born There's no such thing as "grown up food" once they're weaned.

I really think people are bonkers if they think occasionally giving your DC cheaper food/something different to eat to adults is the same as never allowing them any treats or making them sit on the floor and that there is no happy medium here.

For example, we don't really eat steak at home, but if we do it's unlikely the DC would ever have it, despite liking it, as it's usually a special 'adult' meal cooked when they are in bed. That's not to say they'd never be allowed steak at home... I buy smart price versions of some foods for the DC whereas I buy myself branded versions as I want lower fat/lower calorie. If there was a generic brand which was also lower in fat, I'd get that. Where I wouldn't buy cheaper stuff for myself, I wont buy it for the DC, eg. Cheap cornflakes, which are foul IMO, but I but own brand 'shreddies'. Sometimes I treat myself to a bar of chocolate or icecream the DC aren't having, there are plenty of occasions where they have something I don't have. Of we all go out for a meal as a family then the DC can have what they like from the menu, including an adult meal if they like, provided they will eat most of it and no waste it, just the same as I wouldn't order something I couldn't eat.

Perhaps someone can explain to me what exactly is wrong with that please?

That's a good point. I hadn't looked at it like that.

sorry, that's to tellmelater.

Is anyone saying those things are the same, midori?

do what you like.

I seem to always save the nicest bits for the DC, if I have nice peaches and I eat one I feel guilty, ridiculous really!

My kids like steak, they also like pan fried lemon sole more than fish fingers. So it seems mean to give them fish fingers if we have sole. I get huge pleasure out of giving them the best quality food I can afford.

... but that ends up expensive. So yesterday we ALL had lentil soup (and the day before too).

And I do feed them fish fingers at times (but usually on a day I would just have bread and cheese myself), or cheese on toast too (am not some weird food snob, or maybe I am)

Midori both dh and I like Chinese food, why should we not ave it if dd does not. If we bought her Chinese take away it would not be eten and would go in the bin, what a waste

Well I do loads of these things for many reasons.

I have quite a lot more expensive food that dd (and dh) as they're vegetarian and a lot of their food is centred around disgusting Quorn crap whereas I might have steak or decent meat. And she doesn't get my very small box of expensive chocolates either.

Also she quite oftens gets quick food (which may be cheaper occasionally) as she has activities to go to in the evening - so quite often she will have baked potato and cheese whereas DH and I will have a proper cooked meal later on.

They get the cheaper cereals as they eat it every day, I have a box of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes that I eat once a month which they're not allowed.

All the wine is mine too

Of course dd has a smaller room in the house and her clothes are cheaper than DH's suits - as she's a KID.

However where it really counts all the money is spent on her - 3 holidays this year for her (where we didn't get even 1), and about 30 a week spent of dancing/music lessons.

I think this sort of thing used to be more common. In my home my Dad used to get more expensive things eg the lamb chops. He also used to get things like more [and more expensive] clothes and money to spend on his own interests. My Mum was more likely to do without [as many women used to] to make sure us kids had enough to eat. I remember my friend doing this about 20 years ago. She used to buy better quality food for her husband whilst her and her children used to eat crap, or often go hungry.
Life in that household revolved around keeping her husband happy, and I think that attitude used to be a lot more common.Another couple I knew did eat steak and give their kids jam sandwiches, but this may have been a one off.
Family life is more likely now to be centred around the children where it used to geared towards either both of the parents, or just the dad. This is why it seems a little shocking nowadays, but it wouldn't have been that unusual at one time.

DD hates fishfingers, but loves real fish. She hates supermarket sossies but loves the chipolatas the butcher makes. She loves steak, lamb chops, liver, but has only recently started to enjoy pizza, or baked beans. We have yet to convince her about curry, but she loves Chinese.

Entirely our fault. She was weaned on "fish with eyes" (whole fish with head on) and could pick out the cheek by herself since she was 3. By the time she was 5 she take out the whole skeleton. This is how my brothers and I were trained as children, and she received the same. I didn't want my child to turn her nose up at really good food so she never got the chance to.

We were lucky having a good butcher and a fishmonger nearby. We were also lucky in that at the time dd was little we weren't in the middle of a recession. We spent on good quality food rather than days out, clothes etc. That was our priority. Others' priorities are different, that's all.

Did you know you can make a delicious stew with beef skirt? Or scrag end? That you can roast belly pork on a bed of veg - one of our favourite meals. All cheap, cheap cuts.

fatlazymummy I agree. I think that attitude was because the man was the breadwinner and without his patronage the woman and children would be destitute. Hence the "make your man feel ten feet tall in his home" advice to wives and all that shit.

that Crunch Nut Cornflakes is seen as a special treat that children are "not allowed". I think it's quite mean for an adult to eat a breakfast food (so right in front of the children) and not let them have it. Obviously not a problem if they don't want it anyway, but not allowed doesn't suggest that.

The whole "children dont appreciate it" argument doesnt stand up to scrutiny. How would they ever learn to appreciate it if they never get given it? Its like a PP said, they are trained to like crap so that the parent can save the good stuff for themselves, guilt free .... "oh they prefer pizza to smoked salmon." well yes, thats because they have never eaten smoked salmon!

Fillet steak is a once a year anniversary meal in this house when the kids are in bed. To feed all of us fillet steak would be in the region of £30 before you even start adding anything else to the meal. I'm that some of you would only buy it for yourself if the kids were having it too. Bonkers.

In this house if we're eating together we all eat the same ( well after a fashion due to DCs allergies). So if we're having steak we'd all have steak, just not fillet!!!

And we do operate a kids come first rule in this house and they would get the meat if there was only enough for them. Thankfully we are not in this position, although if there is only a limited amount I will hold some of my portion back in case the DC want more.

I really don't see that it's abusive to have a takeaway after the kids have gone to bed on a Saturday night. If the kids were eating 5p noodles and no fresh meat and veg then yes, but not if they are eating good quality food anyway.

Actually my kids prefer smoked salmon to pizza.

In general I find there is an inverse relationship between the amount of time/money spent on a meal and the amount the kids will eat!! That doesn't mean that I feed them cheap crap though as much as they would prefer a fish finger over fresh salmon.

Er smeg, like us children have foods that they like and don't like. I have tried dd various times with Chinese food, and it gets left, so it's safe to say she does not like it. She has told me she dies not like it, so much better to do something she will eat and dh and I have take a way. Dd has heinze, hovis, steaks the lot so she usually gets the same as us just not Chinese

Smeghead, my DC like smoked salmon, olives, parma ham, sushi, moules marinier etc etc. They also like pizza, chicken nuggets, fishfingers, that sandwich 'meat' you get with a dinosaur in the middle of it etc. Sometimes they would prefer to eat the cheap crap to decent food, just as we all fancy different foods at different times.

We eat roughly the same but differentiate according to what people like. So if we're having sausages and mash, DH and I might have spicy sausages and the kids like thinner plainer sausages. The ones I get them cost more than the ones I get us though. Quite often I do a sauce that only the adults have (e.g. if we're having chicken or something) but the kids could have it if they wanted (I always offer) - they just don't like sauces yet. But they're very young, so that might change.

Certainly would never eat 'treats' in front of the kids that they're not allowed. The boys are coeliac, and I would never eat a cake or similar in front of them that they couldn't have (unless they had their own version that they were happy with).

But we do have treats that we have sometimes in front of the TV when they're in bed! Glass of wine and chocs or similar. Can't see any reason to feel guilty about that :)

Hectate, people are saying it's borderline abusive to give your DC cheaper food than you eat and have given posters a hard time for saying they eat lamb chops when their DC have pizza, so yes, I think people are saying that.

I've been known to do this - but it's based on reducing waste. There's no point feeding them king prawns or mussels or whatever. I'll give them a sample of the fancy adult food - but I won't fill a plate with it just to prove a point. So I'll make up the difference with e.g. Tinned salmon.

The op exdh oh sounds a bit OTT though.

Lamb chops are very small .

I think there is a massive difference to having the occasional steak when the DC's are in bed and having in place a regime where the kids are always eating lower quality food than the adults.

blisterpack - yes dd (and dh) are not allowed my crunchy nut cornflakes because I eat them once a month whereas they scoff cereal (oatibix) every day - I expect MY cereal that I rarely eat to be there.

I don't think that's there's anything wrong with having an occasional lamb chop when the kids have pizza either.

Sometimes I might give the kids a pizza on a Saturday night, then later DH & I will have a chinese takeaway, or have a M&S dine in for £10. They don't like chinese, they do like pizza. It's nice to chill in the evening together with a nice meal and a glass of wine once they've gone to bed.

I don't feed them cheap stuff all the time. 99.9999% of the time we all eat exactly the same thing. I might adapt something we're eating to suit their tastes (and it may be that the substitution is cheaper) but it's not a regular thing. I'm not running a cafe cooking lots of different meals.

Sometimes they might have something cheap and quick (beans on toast/jacket spud) because they have to be somewhere else and I just need something quick and filling to shove down their throats before dropping them at a party or scouts or something, then DH & I will have a meal later

If we're out, they choose off the menu, it's usually cheaper as it's a children's portion (most places we eat serve the same meals on the main menu, just smaller, so cheaper - they can't eat a full adult sized portion), sometimes they like more expensive stuff, sometimes they like the cheaper stuff (DD1 likes mussels, but sometimes she wants the £3.95 chicken nugget & chips meal).

Yes, I do treat myself to the occasional bottle of wine or expensive box of chocolates, but we have a tuck cupboard which has lots of bits and pieces in they do like. They also get icecreams if we're out, popcorn, etc, etc, which I don't usually buy for myself.

My clothes are more expensive than theirs, theirs are childrens sizes, mine are adults, they are more expensive, but then they're more likely to get treated to the £5 t-shirt they like than I am likely to buy myself clothes.

Their rooms are smaller, but I share with DH and we have a double bed, 2 chests of drawers, 2 wardrobes. Their rooms are smaller, but there's less stuff in them and they have more free space than we do

They do activities, taxi-ed around to friends houses, taken to parties, cinema, bowling, I don't go to build sandcastles on the beach for my benefit. I don't regularly spend £2 a week on Moshi Monsters

It all evens itself out in the end

I find this thread very confusing.
I am shocked that people think this is so odd. I consider it quite normal. Maybe not the extent of OP, but to some degree, quite normal.
I am with squeaky on this.
And I object to people assuming that my children like pizza because they have never HAD smoked salmon. They have had it. My kids eat almost, almost everything. Every curry, chili, every veg, going. And I encourage my children to eat every food I have ever eaten,a dn even some foods that I myself am not thta keen on.
And I NORMALLY cook the same meal for everyone.
But dh nd I do have steak occasionally. The children do not. They have had some, but do not like it that much, whereas dh and I do. So, are you suggesting that dh and I never eat steak?
My kids do get given value baked beans. Dh and I do not like them. But if i am serving baked beans for all of us, I will use Heinz, and the children don't notice or seem to care.
We do all eat quality goods, and there are also some goods that are higher quality, that only dh and I eat. And the ds's do eat cheaper stuff.
If you had 2 boys like me, who eat and eata and eat, ( see my previous threads), you would buy a huge pack of value biscuits aswell.
But overall, I consider that we all eat the same, with a few cheaper things that ds's eat that dh and I don't , and a few more expensive things that dh and I eat that the ds's don't = quite normal. And I am shocked that some of you don't think so.

I don't think it is unreasonable at all to have a nice "adult meal" on a Sat night while the kids are in bed. Infact we do that most saturdays. The DCs always get a freshly cooked balanced meal, often fresh salmon, organic chicken or whatever and me and DH will eat a spicy meal like a chinese noodle soup or jerk chicken that's too hot for the DCs. We have our sat nights in (we never go out together as we don't have babysitters) with a yummy meal and a film and a yummy pudding too (the pudding would be offered to the DCs too at their meal time, although they are not that keen unless it is ice cream or chocolate).