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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

599 replies

missymarmite · 29/09/2012 21:39

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

OP posts:
NeDeLaMer · 29/09/2012 22:26

mamij - where on earth did you get that little gem from?? plucked from thin air I suspect

Northernlurker · 29/09/2012 22:26

This is a wind up though isn't it? If the oldest dd lives with you and the mother has every weekend child free when does she see her 10 yr old?

babybythesea · 29/09/2012 22:26

I wonder how far this could go - if I was the child's mother I'd be concerned about what else you'd decide to do without my agreement.

I would have been upset if you'd done this to me (I had tried several times and given up causing nothing but stress to me and dd by the time we finally cracked it at 3.6). And I would be worried about anything else you might decide you knew better on, and so decide to undermine me on.
You do it your way with your child and let someone else do it their way with their own.
If it really bothers you, you should have discussed it with your DP and as the child's father, it was then his place to act or not as he felt fit. He didn't seem to think it was a big issue, so there was your answer. Grumble about it, think it's inappropriate, but after that butt out.
Really wasn't your call to make. How long before the children realise that there's one rule at Dad's and another at Mum's?
How long before they start either not wanting to go to one place or the other, or start using it to play people off against each other? The first rule, surely, is consistency, especially when you've got split carers.

And I don't want the maltesers, either. But if there's any other chocolate going (which I wish to see properly unwrapped before I even attempt to consume it) I'll have some of that.

AlwaysHoldingOnToStarbug · 29/09/2012 22:28

YABU!

As a stepmum that is something I would never have dared to even think about. I didn't even change sd's nappies, dh dealt with all that. I don't see how it is any concern of yours, she has obviously managed to toilet train her other dc's so I'm sure the little one will get there eventually.

brdgrl · 29/09/2012 22:29

Northern, I assumed that the mother of the ten year old is not the same woman as the mother of the two younger kids.

MmeLindor · 29/09/2012 22:31

Wow.

Just wow.

YABVU

Jaffacakeeater · 29/09/2012 22:33

Can't imagine what I would say to OP. am still annoyed that MIL bought DTs first knickers/pants. As their mother that was my job.

pookey · 29/09/2012 22:34

Maltesers??????????????????

Jinsei · 29/09/2012 22:39

Must be a reverse aibu. Nobody would be such a twat.

xxxresixxx · 29/09/2012 23:14

I have some wine and Doritos left... Anyone fancy any.? (and I thought the most interesting entertainment was the Ladyboys documentary...)

EdgarAllanPond · 29/09/2012 23:18

missed that.

i have some sympathy for OP because it would be really against my own ethos, but still you have to roll with the mothers judgement, unless it is abusive - and this isn't. Unless the op wants to tell us more.

gin

Shakey1500 · 29/09/2012 23:25

Oh.My.Goodness. Shock

"Put foot down" "Executive descision" ----seriously???

I would be absolutely LIVID.

YABVVVU

alvinchip · 29/09/2012 23:27

Madness. Lots of dc don't get it until they're 3.5, some longer.
YABVU but I think you know that by now.

WildWorld2004 · 29/09/2012 23:28

How fucking dare you make a decision about a child that isnt yours. If i was the mum you would not be getting anywhere near my child as who knows what other 'executive decisions' you might decide on.

VivaLeBeaver · 29/09/2012 23:32

If I was this kid's mother I don't think I'd be letting her come to your house anymore. YAB seriously U.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/09/2012 23:38

yabvvvvu not only did you go against the mum you also decided to overide your dp the childs dad and go ahead and do what you think is ok.

its not ok.

people potty train in many different ways if your my ex sil you decide that dc's practicly at birth should be fully dry and nag nag nag if your normal and reasonable and fairly easy going you take the much quicker and easyer approach of doing it when you know damn well the dc involved is compleatly ready (that method usually only takes a few days).if your normal and reasonable and not easy going you chose one of the other methods around.

either way its not up to you to choose for a child that is not yours.

also yabu for the snide nastyness in your op towards the mother of the child. if you were the partner of my ex i would be making it very very clear that you making these decisions would stop right now and the nastyness would stop or i would be making it very very hard for you to be around my children.

missymoomoomee · 29/09/2012 23:39

Oh how I hope your ds father has a partner, and I hope one day she starts making executive decisions about your child so you know exactly how far out of line you are.

KillerRack · 29/09/2012 23:51

My eldest child wasn't out of nappies at 3 because she was terrified of the toilet, I was told to leave it so I wouldn't 'traumatize her'.

a bit of humility wouldn't go amiss.

mathanxiety · 29/09/2012 23:59

YANBU

Only kidding Smile

Your DP is maybe a bit of a lump? Would I be right to infer from your frustration about the fact that the SD is still in nappies that he hasn't been doing much in the way of nappy changing?

DappyHays · 30/09/2012 00:01

Is this a joke?

brdgrl · 30/09/2012 00:03

math, that's what I inferred too.

I think the OP is being VU - but I do have to say that it isn't completely "none of her business". The child is with her and her partner what? 40% of the time? She does have legitimate reasons, possibly, for being concerned about the child's toileting. She does not have any legitimate reasons for going against the parents' express wishes. I wonder about the DP in all of this, and if he is just expecting OP to provide the bulk of the care for his daughter whilst she is there, in which case, she might well feel she is a bit 'involved'.

And I do think that she is potentially quite taxed, if she has taken on caring for three additional children on the weekends, is not getting enough support from their dad, and if he is not doing any kind of shaed parenting with his ex. It sounds awful. BUT - that's all conjecture on my part.

SummerRain · 30/09/2012 00:10

After 2 months of unsuccessful training before summer I was told at ds2's 3 year check to leave it be and put him back in nappies as it was just stressing everybody out... not to mention he was withholding poo and getting constipated. He was 3.4 at that point.

He's 3.8 now and we're trying again, without much more success tbh.

If I were the OP's DSD's mother I'd probably have murdered her by now (and I'm not sure any court would convict her if she did!)

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 30/09/2012 00:10

Well done...you may well have pushed that little girl out of your life...because if I was that girls mother, you would be NOWHERE near my children after that little game

I am completely fucking Shock that you think that's an ok thing to do

IRCL · 30/09/2012 00:25

YABVU.

My DD is nearly three and still in nappies, potty training at the moment but she's struggling, Dr said it is perfectly normal at three.

Stop making "executive decisions" about a child that isn't even yours.

Leave it up to her patents!

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 30/09/2012 00:27

'Executive decision'? 'Put your foot down'?
Bloody hell.

YABU, beside that too. My two were both in nappies until about three and a half. Toilet 'traiming' was speedy and almost accident free. IMO anxiety in previous generations about getting children 'dry' as soon as possonle, because of the work associated with nappies, has lingered on culturally. But bladder and bowel control is (largely, generally) a physiological and not a behavioural matter. Some children take longer than others. Fact.