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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

599 replies

missymarmite · 29/09/2012 21:39

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 29/09/2012 21:49

Yabu, it is none of your business.

I just hope you are not damaging this little girls self esteem and confusing her more

Joiningthegang · 29/09/2012 21:49

Yabu - not your job to do this

And you may be confusing her by doing this - why are you so bothered?

You arent her parent or even her step parent

solidgoldbrass · 29/09/2012 21:49

My DS was in nappies till about 3.5. YABU even to mind that this child is not potty trained yet and YABVVVU to 'take the executive decision' to train her when she is not your child. Are you this officious normally?

ReallyTired · 29/09/2012 21:50

I feel you are unreasonable to make an "executive decision" to toilet train someone else's child. Deciding when to start potty training is a decision that should be made by the person wjho has parental responsiblity. I am sure that this thread will show that there is a range of opinons on how potty training should be done.

For potty training to be sucessful there needs to be consistancy between everyone who cares for the child. Any childminder/nursery as well as the parents have to be in agreement that the child is ready to be trained.

I believe that most children are biologically ready to be potty trained by their third birthday, however the parents have to be ready as well. Maybe some parents are lazy in allowing their children to self train, but that is their right as parents.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 29/09/2012 21:50

yabu. She's not your dd for a start, and putting her in nappies when you go out defies the point entirely.

yousankmybattleship · 29/09/2012 21:50

This cannot be true......surely.

If it is, you are being sooooo unreasonable. Who the hell are you to start potty training if her mother doesn't think she's ready? It really isn't so shocking for a three year old to be in nappies. Poor child.

Floggingmolly · 29/09/2012 21:51

You've got some nerve!

Sassybeast · 29/09/2012 21:51

YABU.

And obnoxious. and arrogant. And...
Actually, just have a Biscuit

Lousmart · 29/09/2012 21:53

Angry really?

Blu · 29/09/2012 21:53

It isn't an executive decision, and it it were, you are not the executive.

You will stir up a real toxic soup if you carry on like this.

Does your DS have a step-mother and would you be happy for her to take 'executive decisions' about big milestones in his development?

maillotjaune · 29/09/2012 21:53

Oh dear, I'm a complete failure on this count too with 2 DSs still in nappies at 3 and another approaching that age with zero interest in the whole thing. Only 1 of them has a physical "excuse" as well.

Still, it's nothing to do with anyone else and you could do with butting out. How would you feel if her mother criticised an aspect of your parenting?

pigletmania · 29/09/2012 21:53

I can understand where your coming from but it's up to your dh and his ex to discuss this not you

daimbardiva · 29/09/2012 21:54

If I was her mother I'd be livid. This is not your decision, and also the little girl is probably getting confused as now she's getting "part time" potty trained.

FWIW, my son's still in nappies and he's 3.3 - nothing wrong with that at all. I'm waiting for him to be ready.

CookingFunt · 29/09/2012 21:54

Malteaser anyone?

milkysmum · 29/09/2012 21:54

Bless she is only 3 give the kid a break and stop confusing her if her mother has not yet decided to potty train- maybe if she was 5-6 you might have a point. This is not for you to interfere in i'm afraid

IllageVidiot · 29/09/2012 21:54

Did the child's mother tell you to fuck off?

By the sound ot it's your DP who wouldn't have a clue about the reasoning behind the parenting of his daughter. ExW may have reasons to delay, which is entirely up to her - did you ask or have any idea what was going on? Did your DP bother to check in with his exw at all? You made a nice job of judging her but you haven't done the right thing by speaking to her.

It's done now but if this is the way you go about things I suspect there'll be fireworks soon. YABU and maybe need to get your DP to step up.

brdgrl · 29/09/2012 21:55

YABVU. I hope you know that, really.

It is also a very foolish way to go about trying to toilet train a child, and likely to cause more problems, frankly.

You would not, however, be U to tell your DP to change the nappies.

CookingFunt · 29/09/2012 21:55

OP,not your child,not your decision.

Hulababy · 29/09/2012 21:55

Friend's child was def not ready at 3y - infact the child was so opposed to it they made themselves very sore, uncomfortable and quite ill. The advise was to stop, wait a few months and try again. Said child was nappy free within a few months after that and is now perfectly fine and much older.

I let DD self train pretty much - but she chose to do it at 24 months old. Night time was far later though.

Children vary massively.

BTW using nappies for day time trips can be very confusing for children. If you are going to PT then use nappies all day - only return to nappies for bedtime - ime anyway.

oldwomanwholivesinashoe · 29/09/2012 21:57

My son was still in nappies at 3 - he's now 9 and he started school like all the other boys and girls, walking, talking, feeding himself and fully toilet trained. Every child is different but they all get there in the end. Making a thing of it makes things worse. And all of the adults involved with this little one should be making sure that they make important decisions together. No rights and wrongs when it comes to bringing up children but parents/step parents scoring points of each other is never a good thing...

WorraLiberty · 29/09/2012 21:57

Malteaser anyone?

That's not a Malteser! Shock

I saw you pull it out of that nappy....

FishfingersAreOK · 29/09/2012 21:57

I would be soo totally pissed off. Not your place, as commented by many you could confuse the poor girl. My DD was out of nappies at 2. My DS took until he was 3 years 5 months. I did it when he was ready. Took a day. I know his personality - he is stubborn.

Keep your judgy pants to yourself and butt out!

EdgarAllanPond · 29/09/2012 21:59

although very much of the 'early as is convenient for you' camp - YABU

This is her mothers call.

imagine sending your children off to be looked after by someone else- surely you'd want your way to be adhered to as much as possible?

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 29/09/2012 21:59

This is not going to end well. I'd give you my first ever Biscuit but I can't not say that it's absolutely nothing to do with you - YABVVU to think that you have any kind of right to make a decision like this. You are undermining your DP, if I were his exW I'd be absolutely furious with you and I just feel sorry for this poor child who probably wonders what on earth she's done wrong to be forced into something so humiliating - she's JUST 3 ffs, it's possible this will be psychologically damaging when it comes to the right time for 'training' (which I personally don't agree with anyway but that's for another thread) - I can only imagine this is a reverse AIBU and you're actually the girl's mother, in which case YANBU and have every right to be royally pissed off!

nailak · 29/09/2012 22:00

yabu, my kids didnt train until they were over 3, they self trained, my dd2(4) one day came in when i was on the toilet and told me to get off and then went to toilet and from that day I took her nappy off and she was dry day and night.

My older DD also trained after 3, and from the off was dry day and night.

I am very against putting nappies on sometimes and not other times as I have seen cases where it prolongs toilet training as the child gets confused. SO I would be v.angry if you did this to my child.

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