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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

599 replies

missymarmite · 29/09/2012 21:39

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

OP posts:
EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 30/09/2012 00:27

possonle? Possible. Of course.

IllageVidiot · 30/09/2012 00:31

Op still not back yet?

DeepPurple · 30/09/2012 00:34

I find it hard to believe thet a child of 3 can't be toilet trained. May be this is now an outdated view but children were trained far younger historically. Barring any physical or learning barrier, there is no need to keep nappies on.
You are, however, in a tricky situation as you are not the child's mother. As such, it isn't your decision.

SummerRain · 30/09/2012 00:36

DeepPurple..... I rarely do this, so consider yourself 'honoured': Biscuit

MadBanners · 30/09/2012 00:37

My DD is still in nappies and she was 3 in June! We have tried, but there are only so many times you can try and comfort a crying child while attempting to clean up poo and wee at the same time!! She is back in nappies for the moment.

Ds, however, easy as pie, asked at about 2.8 months to go to the toilet one day, and has been dry ever since! No "training" involved! I have been hoping dd will be the same, no flipping luck so far!

Not your place to make an "executive decision" about this issue, it is hugely overstepping the boundaries and will come across as quite judgemental and does not bode well for future relations.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 30/09/2012 00:46

DeepPurple Hmm I was about to write a lovely long reply, but tbh why fucking bother...just have a biscuit instead you judgemental idiot Biscuit

CaliforniaLeaving · 30/09/2012 01:05

My oldest wouldn't even try till he was about 3.5 and second one was done in a week after his 3rd birthday. Dd started doing it herself at just turned 2, but wasn't fully dry till nearer 3. So three in nappies is pretty normal. usually they are in the pull up pants.

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 30/09/2012 01:11

This has nothing to do with her being in nappies it is about your resentment that she has child free weekends

Using a child to score points shame on you

Jinsei · 30/09/2012 01:20

It's a pity that those with 3yos still in Nappies are coming on here feeling that they have to justify themselves by saying "we did try earlier". So what if you didn't?!

We didn't even try potty training until dd was past her third birthday. No reason, other than the fact that I'd seen others doing it earlier and dealing with loads of accidents and setbacks along the way, and I just didn't want to bother with that. I was so glad I waited till dd and I were both ready - she cracked it in one day, and no accidents after that at all.

The thing some people seem to forget is that there is no inherent value in doing earlier or later - it's simply a question of doing it when it suits both parent and child. Sure, you might save on a few nappies if you do it earlier, but on the flipside, you'll probably have a bigger laundry load and you'll spend more time mopping up accidents. It doesn't really matter, it's not like your child is going to list "potty trained at 6 weeks" as an achievement on his/her CV in the future.

OP, if you are for realand if you bother to come back you are BVU.

MagratGarlik · 30/09/2012 01:21

Have not read the whole thread, but ds2 was not toilet trained at 3. Not from lack if trying. When he decided he wanted to go he was trained in a day, but otherwise,He was not interested.

Sorry Op, but I do not think you should interfere.

bellabreeze · 30/09/2012 01:24

YANBU, to me it sounds like laziness if she hasn't even bothered properly trying to toilet train her.. she will be starting school soon enough... it sounds like she is capable of learning this but of course she can't teach herself so the mum should be doing it and not just putting a nappy on her!

SaraBellumHertz · 30/09/2012 02:39

Can't really see the problem with what deeppurple wrote. The issue here is not when is appropriate to train but by whom

I would put bets on the fact that the OP does all the nappy changing in her house and is sick of it.

Thumbwitch · 30/09/2012 03:07

YABU - not your decision to make.

Thumbwitch · 30/09/2012 03:10

Magrat - my DS was the same. He wasn't toilet trained by 3 at all - had to wait until he was 3.9 and then he got it within a week. Before that he had no concept of when he needed to pee, but had been pooing in the loo since he was just turned 3.

Can't label all children the same. And yes, of course they were trained earlier in the days of washing terry nappies - parents couldn't wait to get them out of those! especially before automatic machines were invented! Doesn't mean the children were actually ready.

DS, for e.g., has never wet the bed because we waited until he was absolutely ready. (yes I KNOW I'm lucky, probably pure luck, nothing to do with waiting blah blah..)

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2012 03:55

If you put your foot done & decided to toilet train my kid, I'd be having words with you! NOT your place.

My eldest trained at 2. My youngest a little after 3. I did nothing different with them, we did it when they showed signs of being ready. If she is holding herself & you have to instruct her to use the toilet, you are not training her. You are merely acting on her cues, which is VERY different.

Also, only one parent doing it over alternate weekends isn't going to help her. It will confuse the hell out of her. Leave it to her mum. Please!

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2012 03:59

oh & if you are using it to prove a point on who has the ability to do it in the time they have available (your comment re you & your dp working full time & her part time - ergo she has more time, therefore must be lazy) you are not a very nice person to be using a 3yr old as a pawn in that game.

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2012 04:04

You do know that if you carry on making these kinds of decisions without even caring what your dp & his exw think, you will alienate the child's mother & she may start to make things hard for your dp in regards to having his daughter.

Well done, op. Well done.

Oh & then YOU may be the exp too!

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2012 04:37

I would put bets on the fact that the OP does all the nappy changing in her house and is sick of it

Then she changes THAT. That is all she is allowed to change without discussing the issue with the child's mother.

CheerfulYank · 30/09/2012 05:00

I think the statistic quoted about the average age for girls being 4 and boys being 6 is totally untrue if we're talking about NT children. Almost every little girl I know is trained before 3 and boys before 4.

However, in this case, it is not your decision. YABU.

arthurfowlersallotment · 30/09/2012 05:30

What a load of bollocks.

Megatron · 30/09/2012 06:05

Of course YABU, don't be ridiculous.

lockedkey · 30/09/2012 06:26

Seriously? This woman has the child FOUR DAYS A WEEK and you all think she has no right toilet training her?

Ha, good luck in life little girl...

lockedkey · 30/09/2012 06:29

and just to clarify FOUR DAYS A WEEK - THURSDAY TO SUNDAY - IS PRIMARY CARER - and she has no rights.

Bullshit.

mathanxiety · 30/09/2012 06:38

I think she said Th/Fri to Sunday, and I read that as child arrives Thursday night and stays Friday, Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night and Sunday, going home Sunday night. By my interpretation this is three days, three nights. Could be wrong.

lockedkey · 30/09/2012 06:41

Still 4 nights and 3 days - still majority or care.