to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

Ok I shall sign off. We shall have to agree to disagree you have not changed my mind.

Is this thread for real? Unless there are specific difficulties it isnt unreasonable to expect someone to have tried to train a 3 year old.

Ime if you wait until.a child us ready there arent loads of accidents to clean up! Tjats the whole point isnt it? Ds1 trained at 18mths go me! Or rather him who did it himself!

The next two were between 2-3 i dont remember tbh. ds4 was 3yrs 4mths had tried earlier did the whole choose pants, bought him.the special thomas toulet seat he chose etc but he just wasnt ready. Then when he was it was done in a day ir two.

One had a bottle till 3yrs 5mths! And two breast fed till nearl four years old. i dont consider my parenting lacking, i simply followed my instinct in allowing them to grow out of their comforters be them boob or bottle. they all liked a cuddle and milk before bed, it was a nice way to unwind and end the day. why would them liking those cuddles make me question my parenting?

I hope this is a reverse one because otherwise you have breathtakingly large amounts of brass neck op

No one is trying to change your mind, Generation.

How would you like it if I said that you were a bad mother for insisting that your children were out of nappies by a certain time?

OP you are outrageous, take your cue from the child's parents.

My ds is 8 and still can' t crack night time bladder control. He's NT do I get a badge for shit, lazy parenting generation? Luckily I know a bit about human anatomy and physiology so am not worried. I can also recognise a shit stirring twat.

Or......

You just do what's right for you and yours and don't give too much credence to a few strangers on t'internet.

DS and DD were trained within a few months of each other - 18 months between them. In fact, we decided to train DD, just 2, in the hope that it would help it all click into place for DS, by then 3.5. Just a hunch, but it worked. It was the right time for both of them.

Try as I might, I can't work up too much defensiveness about my choices because I know I'm right.

her child, her choice.
Children don't follow a bloody timeline, some reach milestones at different times.
My children were not completely dry until 3 1/2 even though i tried a long time before that, they simply weren't ready.
Forcing a child to potty train before they are ready will get you no where and lets not forget the fact you are her stepmother so you should not be taking over in such a manner!
Please think before you try and take over something which is her mums decision.

Would you like it if you ex's new gf started taking over with your kids?

My DD was 3.5 yrs old when potty trained.

A hard slog? Potty training?

Yes, it was terrible. All those entirely dry days and nights and the complete lack of arguments and upset. Not to mention the non-existant extra laundry.

I cry myself to sleep every night wishing we had done it earlier.

Oh, wait a minute.....

Oh and he was in cloth.

Toilet training is very different to toilet timing. Go back 70 years to when my grandma trained my dad (she's given me the benefit of her wisdom on this one) and kids were 'held out' (over the pot/sink/toilet) after eating and drinking (no snacking back then either). My Grandmother was at my mum leaving my sister & me in nappies at 2. However move on 40 years and I personally would let my DD go to nearly 3. The difference in attitude is disposables and a washing machine!

I'd put money on GG being last generation

I had my eldest 18 years ago and was constantly berated by women of my grandmother's generation for not having him toilet trained by 18 months. My health visitor told me I should be cracking on with it when DS turned 2. All 4 of my kids were trained by 2 1/4; it took a couple of days intensive training each time. All my friends did the same. A child who wasn't trained by 3 would have been considered to have some sort of developmental delay. Children weren't allowed to start play group at 2 1/2 if they weren't trained.
Fast forward to when I had DS2 6 years ago and it dawned on me that I'd trained about a year before other kids of the same age. So why are people putting their kids in nappies for a year longer now? My personal opinion is that big nappy companies are making a lot of money out of it. We are all being conned.
But I do think the OP is out of order. The poor child will be completely confused. It is a decision for her parents to make.

Generation, I have found your posts really upsetting. DD is 2.9 yrs and in nappies. We tried potty training a couple of months ago, but it didn't go well, she didn't poo for 5 days and had to have a laxative from the doctor, and then she got tonsilitus and was very feverish and poorly so we stopped. Since then I have been keeping an eye out and I know she will sit on the potty at nursery (though I don't think she has wee'd in it), she has good bladder control and is OK with pants, but at home she hates sitting on the potty or toilet seat (both of which she chose), to the extent that I popped her on the potty yesterday and she shot of it so quickly that we cracked heads and I certainly ended up with a splitting headache. And I am concerned about her getting constipated again. So, having read a lot of here about how people have had good success leaving it until later I thought I would. But, according to you, I'm lazy. Well, thanks for that. It's not a question of her having accidents, I don't care about that (spend the day removing cat shit from all over the garden!), it's a question of her holding it in for ages, days in the case of poos, and her being very distressed. But, that's me doing to wrong, right? Great. Roll on Downton and red wine time.

susitwoshoes - ignore Generation. You are doing fine. Generation's theories are bollocks tbh - and what's worse - bollocks that upsets people who are very conscientously parenting their dc.

Moomin you mentioned in your post that back in the day children still in nappies at 3 would have been considered to have a developmental delay. Doesn't that speak volumes? Even further back in the day we used to put disabled people in circus shows because we didn't understand. Schools used to tie childr4ns arms behind their back if they were left handed too. The difference is we are all (well some of us) are more educated about stuff.

Most chlildren still even in these times are out of nappies well before three. But thankfully for those of us who's children aren't, we are no longer outcasts.

Oh dear Generation you won't like me, started pt my 18 month old. Was going well until the 3rd day when she wee'd on the kitchen floor and she sob her heart out, she even got the broom out to try and clean it up. So I thought fuck it, its not worth it

Could someone explain, Why is it so bad that children are being pt later?

I linked to other threads as there were gapping holes in whats she's said and things didn't make sense, which do to me with the added information. I think a lot of people are being extremely harsh on the OP and I actually have quite a bit of sympathy for her in context. I'm surprised none one else has seen what I've seen tbh. I'm a little sad about that - wasn't my intention.

Far from seeing someone who is self-righteous and deluded as to her own wonderfulness, I see quite the opposite. I don't see a woman trying to put square holes into round pegs at all. Its too defensive and too self assured and it doesn't fit with everything else.

Instead I see a woman who is chasing a dream (for both her and her son) and is deeply insecure and has rushed headlong into things and doesn't quite know how to cope with where she's ended up in such a short space of time. Everything seems to have happened at great speed and as others have said, nothing has really had much chance to settle. Theres lots of best intentions and wanting the best in there.

I actually think she needs a bit of support and advice with the step parenting thing in general and to focus on things in general rather than this single issue, and to put less pressure on herself and indeed on others to be 'perfect'. To expect everyone to get on all the time in this scenario is unrealistic to my mind especially as its clear there is hostility building (probably on both sides) due to poor communication and the speed with which things have changed. And she needs to learn how to change that. Dealing with the frustration of the fact she's never going to be in control of certain situations rather than the single issues themselves.

I think she's well meaning, but actually she just doesn't know quite how to do it, and she needs to listen to others a lot more and work with them, even if she doesn't always agree with decisions. She can't have everything on her terms all the time. She wants to do the right thing, but isn't quite getting it right at the moment. Hence her saying she's frustrated.

I think she needs to work out how to step back from things a bit and know when and where to bite tongue rather than 'take executive decisions' and perhaps not take on as much responsibility where she doesn't need to. Especially not this soon in the relationship. She needs to build a better rapport with the EW before she can take on stuff like this - and above all else that takes time and patience.

I dunno, I just think its been taken in the wrong way and that actually the OP isn't a villan that most people are saying or suggesting she's a big bad step parent. I don't think she is. Just someone who needs to relax a bit more and could do with some constructive criticism more than just criticism.

But heyho. Obviously misread how others would view it.

I didn't start toilet training my son until he was 3 and he picked it up much quicker than people's children i know who started it at 2. I think it will only work if you are both doing it.

Oh you've missed it all orange, something about nappy companies, self esteem, lazy fuckers for parents and something about kids finding it degrading having their parents change their nappy.

I can never understand why anyone cares what age other people pt their children?

I couldn't give a fuck whether other peoples' kids were 18 months or 4 years old.

OP it is clearly not your call to make an 'executive decision' about when someone else's child is potty trained. You must know you are being unreasonable.

Yellow kite, I understand what you are saying, horrible to exclude a small number of kids from play group because they were not toilet trained. But what I'm saying is that if they had that rule today it wouldn't be just a small number, it would be the vast majority of kids. I'm not some supermum for training my kids at 2 1/4, literally everyone I knew did it pretty successfully 18 years ago. So why do people leave it later now? Genuinely interested to know why.

People don't, I tried at 2, 2.5 and at 3, it just didn't work, it would never have worked whoever tried. Most people I know start trying at around the age 2 mark, and lots succeed, because lots of children are ready at 2. Most people I know have had their kids out of nappies well before 3, so I don't think there's some massive change, I just think the realms of what's normal have changed.

I don't know to me what you're saying is almost like saying why are there more gay people these days, because I didn't know any 20 years ago. Well things are more open now, and things like the net make it more apparent. I didn't know anyone in rl who toilet trained later, but come on a parenting site and you'll see it's completely normal. People didn't have that luxury years ago.

Am I making sense?! I know what I mean.