to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

Good post Mini. I think that some people forget that not every mother out there is interested and engaged in their children. Maybe the woman in question really isn't that interested and just can't be bothered with the hassle of potty training and the OP knows this and is annoyed because she sees no real effort being made

On one hand people are saying it is none of the OP's business. But if she is expected to change horrible nappies then it is very much her business. And at three barring problems it is high time a child was toilet trained. That is my opinion. What happens if a child starts school and it isn't toilet trained. Is that none of the school's business.

dysfunctional
well, I have only toilet trained two kids, but they were done within days (DS had a few false starts but once he had it, it was easy)

I could not be bothered faffing about for 5 weeks.

And, sorry, but children start walking at around a year. That is too early to start toilet training for most kids cause they are physically not able to tell when they need to go.

Minitheminx - are you saying you wouldn't 'permit' 'your' child to be in the care of it's father for that time?
It's not just the care of others, it's the care of a parent or after making a snippy comment about precious mothers do you really mean 'as long as I'm not expected to act on the responsibility of ensuring familial bonds for my child or anything else that doesn't suit'. Seems a little hypocritical. I hope to be corrected

mmelindor one year is not too young at all. they absolutely know when to go if they wear cloth nappies, then cloth pull ups. I have overseen literally hundreds of children through this process. They are fully in underpants by 18 months latest.

I think you should have at least had the courtesy to chat to his ex first.

Then if no joy and you feel no progress then insist that your partner changes his dds nappies not you.

I suggest he would then be motivated to start training her himself.

I think you went about things in the worst possible way but recognise that your position was difficult.

The needs and welfare of the child are paramount.

Would I be happy to give my child over to the care of a woman who had NO opinion about the welfare of my child. That may imply she has no regard and no positive feelings towards the child. So no, I would have more respect for someone who had an opinion and wasn't akin to a paid childcare.

Would I facilitate a relationship with the father, yes of course just as I would his new partner and all other adults who had a genuine relationship and regard for my child. The mother delegates childcare EVERY weekend, that just smacks of selfishness on her part.

They can do it if they are supported. Many parents find it overwhelming and put it off, put it off. It is a process that needs to be followed to the letter though.

dysfunction all my kids have used cloth,and if pt took 5 weeks i would have been concerned that perhaps it was me being a little controling.do you mind me asking how come you pt so many?

im not saying you are controling just that if it were me i would think it, ive never had pt take longer than a week ish to dry day and night. (in none sn dc's) and we havent had any accidents apart from if illness is also an issue.

op,if a child "doesnt belong to anyone",in your opinion,what sorts of things can other people do to, or for, your own child?

Dysfunctional
Current research says you are wrong

"Toilet training is much easier when children are aged two and upwards. Proper toilet training is virtually impossible for a child under 18 months because the sphincters (muscle outlets) of the bladder and bowel aren't yet under their control"

I don't think it impossible, because obviously it is - as many have attested to. But I do think that it is a difference between training a child, and that child being actually ready, ie. physically recognising that he/she needs to wee and going of his/her own will.

You get to know when your child needs to go, and if you pop them on a potty at that moment then of course they will learn to go then. I just don't see the advantage of training them so early.

DS decided he wanted to potty train at 2.8 was dry in the day within days and now dry at night at 2.10

No point pushing the issue and making it stressful for everyone.

I second what dysfunctionalme we used cloth nappies, two DS both dry before they were two. Dry at night also.

My aunt did the whole no nappies thing from when her kids were about six months, there is name for it, it's a bit hippy though and hasn't really taken off here, it's something like elimination communication, it's bigger in the states than here. Better for the environment. I wonder what our ancestors did?

Op I can't believe the flaming you are getting. You are doing this together with the full support of your dp who is dsd other parent and also has a say, and dsd mum who is aware but from the sounds of it, as not tried and cannot be bothered. The girl is obviously ready to do this, you are helping her make the next step. I think tat your dp should talk to his ex about it, and enrage her to continue this at her mums so she des not get confused. This is comming from a mum whose dd 5 ASD was a nightmare to train, and was not fully dry until about 4.5 years.

Has your dp done a u turn and is now fully supportive as I don't understand that bit.

mmelindor - Our children manage beautifully and we attribute it to the cloth nappies as the age of toilet training has jumped forward by an average of one year since we switched from disposables in the nurseries. It has been an unexpected bonus. The children are so proud of themselves and it has been a wonderful change to oversee.

soverylucky - each to their own. I'm going by research, experience and hundreds of success stories. Not depressing at all. We are excited by it!

in pre-cloth days, people did timing from birth and achieved competence at 3mo (obv this is mother and baby teamwork) - there are still remote places where this is the norm.

there are still people alive today who would have started at 6mo - women that didn't have washing machines, and i think we can safely assume wouldn't have done so if leaving them in nappies was less work. In many places around the world, that is still the norm.

what worked for my Mum was about 18mo, and was not untypical at the time - the Taiwanese nursery school i worked at received its 2 yo intake pre-trained (back in 2001) and just had to do groundwork to keep it going.

since first the availability of cloth, then disposables, training has got progressively later. I don't see any need to say it is impossible to PT at any age - historically it can be done from birth even though i don't think most of us would want to! The women of the past weren't liars or idiots who generated unnecessary work for themselves - I am surprised people are so willing to believe they were.

but all of that is totally irrelevant to the ops question.

ecsimplified.com/

"Half the babies around the world are potty trained by 12 months (Pediatrics Magazine), yet in the United States, the average age is currently 3 years old (webMD)"

Obviously there are huge profits to be made in keeping babies in nappies. Not only is it like microwave meals, the convenience of disposable nappies appeal to women who's lives are very busy but also corporate profits from nappies are similar to formula milk......huge. Of course we receive the message that leaving potty training ever later is a good thing. I wonder who pays for some of the research????? that supports the idea that kids are not ready until they are 3 or later.

The father only agreed with the OP after she got her well deserved roasting. Before that, he was happy to leave the decision to the childs mother. Allegedly

Well done OP - another spectacular own goal for the wicked 'step mother' camp