to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

No, what is "ridiculous" is to assume that all children ARE ready to potty train by 3. That's just stupid.

But the child is ready - the mum isn't being supportive !

It's exciting & great for kids to wear nice pants (besides it's absolutely grim seeing older toddlers pooing nappies) why wouldn't you won't to crack on with it ?

meglet "I didn't bother". Sums it up nicely.....

And the OP isn't a 'very close second' to the 3yo's Mother. She is the 3yo's dad's partner. End of.

The only mum the 3yo has is HER mum. The OP isn't even a SM. She is a woman who lives with the 3yo's dad.

If the OP is doing the bulk of the care of the 3yo, and doesn't want to, then that is an issue to take up with her partner.

It should be HIS job to do the 'grunt work' like nappy changing etc. Not the OP's.

If she WANTS to do the nappy changes, fine. Stop moaning.

It's not her place to potty train the 3yo. It's not her decision.

If the dad thinks the 3yo should be PT, then he needs to discuss this with his ex, and when they can come to a MUTUAL decision about the right time for PT, THEN PT the 3yo.

Whether the OP thinks she should be PT by now is irrelevant.

If the dad CAN'T come to a mutual agreement on the right time to PT the child, then he needs to leave it a couple of months, then talk to his ex again. And again. Until PT is agreed upon. At some point in the next two years before the 3yo goes to school, either she WILL agree that the girl needs to be PT, OR the dad will have to go back to court and argue that he wants the majority of the care because the mother isn't acting on the child's best interests in PT before the start of YR.

Simple really.

Haven't read the thread, but:

YABU. It is not your decision to make. for what it's worth, I agree that she should have been potty trained long before now (assuming she has no medical/SN issues that have made it difficult) but it's just not your call, or your business.

I would, however, make it very clear to your DP that you will not change her nappies when she stays with you - that's his job.

If the OP notcied signs that the child was ready then she should have discussed it with her partner and suggested he talk to his Ex about it, in a diplomatic way. It still was not her job or her place to do it on the parents' behalf.

"It's exciting & great for kids to wear nice pants'

Ha! Not mine. She was very distressed the first few times we tried potty training. In the end she was finally ready at 3.9 yo. You don't know better than I do when my child was ready, just as the OP doesn't know better than her DSD's mother.

OP- not your child, not your decision.

If you have your partners support and are doing this together it is OK. You say your partner spoke with the Mother and dont mention that she has kicked up a fuss, or did I miss that completely? Im tired.

I think you sound fine and lovely for helping to provide care. Step parents get kicked for doing tooo much or doing to little so do what works for your family unit.

I stepped in and took over my stepchilds exam preparation. My DH supported me . Without it , my DSS would have been n a mess. If I had followed a lot of the adviese given here, it seems people would have preferred my stepson to fail than for a stepparent to step in and take charge.

I actually think 3+ is pretty late to toilet train but I don't think this is a call you can make. It's up to her parents.

Right now, despite Shared Care having broken down (after 8 years, long story), DS1's dad and me are discussing Secondary school choices right now, and trying to agree on which order they should go on the form in.

Not up to me to make a unilateral decision on this, even though he is currently only seeing DS1 for 6 hrs a fortnight (his choice).

It's not got a thing to do with his dad's partner, even if they HAVE been together for 9 years. I will happily discuss it with my Ex. His partner has no place in that discussion.

willow, the child isn't ready. If she were, they wouldn't be putting her into pull ups at night when they go out.

And also You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there That isn't her being ready, that is op & her dp reading the child's cues. If the child were ready, she would use the toilet, not hold herself.

Once my girls were ready, they only ever used knickers, no matter what we did (unless at night time as that took longer)

everything you have said OP just sounds like you are trying to show up your dsd mother and make her look like the bad parent, whilst you look like superstepmum

well you have failed because you have come across as judgey, interfering and downright spiteful

If you genuinely wanted to help get dsd trained why not ask dp to speak to his exw and suggest that you put a strategy in place to train her so that she doesn't get confused and distressed? you didn't do this you made an 'executive decision' when it absolutely was not your place to do so.

and to all those saying that op has got the right because she has her more than the mother DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent

Willow
There is actually evidence that the longer you leave toilet training, the less time it takes, ie. they are trained within days.

Maybe it is lazy parenting, but I could not be arsed trailing a child around for months, asking if she needed to do a wee, cleaning soiled knickers, when the alternative is to wait 6 mths and the 'training' was done in 2 days.

If the child were ready, she would use the toilet, not hold herself

A child used to using a nappy doesn't miraculously wake up overnight knowing how to use a loo. They need to be taught and helped to recognise the signs while they are learning

So you've taken it upon yourself to potty train someone elses child without telling them.
You know you are BU, don't you?

OP

Re 'oh so the mother is always right and the stepmother is the devil?'

No - the mother has the right. She is the parent. You are not.

What is so difficult to understand?

couthy is a perfect example of the general attitude towards many stepmothers on here. :(

The problem isn't whether the child is potty trained or not.

The problem is the lack of communication and joint decisions being made by the two parents together with the OP sticking her oar in (when tbh it is more likely to do even more damage to the communication levels of the childrens parent).

Today its potty training. What is it tomorrow or the next day?

I just get the impression its an excuse for the OP to have a pop at the ex-wife and say how shit she is. Perhaps there is underlying insecurity here at the relationship between her DP and his Ex-W.

Personally I think the lot of them need to wake up and realise what the situation is doing to the kids.

No - the mother has the right. She is the parent. You are not. so true

thats whey they are called parental rights

A child used to using a nappy doesn't miraculously wake up overnight knowing how to use a loo

Both my younger children did, because I waited until they were ready. Yes, it takes a long time for them to be physically and mentally/emotionally ready, but you don't have to start training at the beginning/middle of that process. You wait until that process is finished and then you show them what to do. Both the younger two were trained in their first day.

In the 6 months before DS2 trained, he obviously had some awareness of his bladder being full (he would dance from foot to foot and be upset if nappyless) but he didn't yet have control over the deliberate release of urine. Within 6 months he gained that ability and went straight into pants day and night.

Doesnt the Father have rights too? He agrees with the OP and spoke to the Mother.

Which is why HE should be talking to the mother and coming up with a plan. all the OP should be doing is supporting what they have decided.

The father has rights.

But the OP also said this though:

I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent.

In other words, the OP is pretty much bullying the DP into doing what she wants, its not what he wants - the OP only said it was what he wanted after everyone had a go, and she'd already shot herself in the foot with that one, by admitting it was her who was applying pressure and making the decision and expecting the DP to go along with it.

The DP is stuck in the middle. Which is why the OP needs to back off and allow the parents to do what they feel best between them. Her attitude of putting her foot down, only strains every relationships concerned. Its all about her and not about anyone else.

OP could if she is not permitted any opinion withdraw all childcare services. I would. I would hand the child to DP and tell him to deal with it.

If mothers are so concerned to protect their special value and place as mothers by trumpeting on about parental rights....well with rights come responsibilities. I would NEVER agree to hand over my children to the care of others for 3 or 4 days a week. In my view if OP is prepared to give up every weekend to care for someone elses child it says a great deal that is good about her character.

There is actually evidence that the longer you leave toilet training, the less time it takes, ie. they are trained within days.

I have a lot of experience on toilet training, 42 kids currently! (not mine clearly, but under my "wings") We start them when they can walk and they are usually done continent within 5 weeks.