to think that a 3 year old girl shouldn't be in nappies

[missymarmite]

Quick background. I have 1 DS 9, we live with DP and his eldest DD 10, and we have his other two DD, 7 and 3, every weekend from thursday/friday to sunday.

The 3 year old had her birthday last month. I put my foot down and took the executive decision to try toilet training her. Every time before that, I mentioned it to DP he said it was up to his XW to sort it as the resident parent. So one day I just put her in some old knickers and let her run round outside in a dress. She got a bit upset when she wet herself, but over the next couple of weekends she began to get the hang of it. You can tell when she needs to go, because she kind of holds herself down there. At night and when we go out we put nappy pants on her and then she doesn't ask for the toilet, but in knickers she does.

DP told XW that she won't ask for the toilet when in nappy pants, but she has made no effort whatsoever to toilet train her, despite the fact that she only works part time and has every weekend child free, while both DP and I work full time and are exhausted most of the time, we still make the effort.

Am I BU to be frustrated and annoyed at this woman?

Why should anyone that ISN'T a child's parent get any say in parenting decisions? I wouldn't think that I could have a say in when my siblings choose to potty train their children. I wouldn't 't think that I got a say in when my friend's children were potty trained. Nobody would think that a childminder would have a say in when a child was potty trained. I wouldn't listen to my parents if they told me my child should be potty trained.

I just can't see why a PARENTING decision like this has anything to do with ANYONE except that child's PARENTS.

When I was in a relationship with a man who had children, I loved them (still do), I cared for them, I held them when they were crying.

I did NOT have any input in the time when his younger DD was potty trained, or when she needed her hair cut, or school choices.

It just wasn't my place. Those issues were for her PARENTS to discuss. I accepted those decisions that were made by her PARENTS.

I was not her parent - I may have been a significant adult in her life, I may love her, but I was and am not her PARENT.

Her PARENTS decided that she wasn't ready to be potty trained at 2.8yo. I disagreed, but I kept that to myself. Because it wasn't, and never would be MY place to make that decision.

In the end, her parents decided that 3y was the right time to PT her. Though she had other ideas and took her nappy off at 2y10mo and was instantly dry day and night.

I may have been right that she was ready for PT, but I would have been WRONG if I had gone ahead and took her out of nappies IYSWIM. That had to either come from her or her parents. Not me.

So I DON'T feel I have any sort of an attitude towards SM's, OR Ex's new partner's, what I have an attitude with is someone trying to make something their decision when it isn't.

How many people would be totally if their MIL took the decision to take their DC out of nappies? Or their childminder. Without their agreement? How is this ANY different?

It's a PARENTING decision, to be made by the child's PARENTS.

May I just respond to the first post. I think it's reasonable to think a three year old should be out of nappies but very unreasonable to try to potty train somebody else's child in that way. That's really bad.

This has made my blood boil. All kids are different and I did mine at three years. He probably could have done it sooner but I didn't want to do it. I had extremely good reasons for this and decided to wait for a holiday when dh was around to help. I think people can be very judgemental about toilet training but each child is different and each family situation is different.

Also I think, that if this step parent found nits in the hair that weren't being dealt with or terrible nappy rash, or that they were starting to read and teh mum wasn't reading with them, then she would be criticised for not doing those things herself and not treating the child as her own daughter. So I think it's a very difficult situation.

soverylucky why would you assume we don't treat our children as individuals simply because our experience is not the same as yours? How bizarre. And arrogant. Lordy lordy.

Never mind, I hope the OP gets the help she needs from her partner to sort this one out.

I think the cloth nappies is a complete red herring. DS was in cloth too, until he was 3.9. So it's hardly conclusive that it's conducive to early potty training, is it?

Well the cloth won't take the child to the toilet and talk with them etc, that's your bit (or the red herring you identify)

soverylucky evidence please?

i would think it bizarre to claim that that which people must have done in the millenia prior to the invention of cloth is in some way unnatural.

I also think cloth is a red herring, except it is a major motivation to get PT done and not have to wash them any more, or buy larger sizes.

Why should anyone that ISN'T a child's parent get any say in parenting decisions? I guess you probably think the nuclear family is a brilliant social endevor and think social workers are devils. What ever.

If I took that view I would never have intervened when my friend's child was about to put a picture over her head, would never have told the woman in the shop to stop calling her child a F*ing bastard and we could all sit back and never worry about the abuse of children if it is behind closed doors.

If a delegate the care of my child to any other adult I expect them to have some vested interest in my child's welfare. End of.

i love cloth :) someone just gave me some new motherease onesizes and they are beautifully soft... just like the rest were when new.

I have to agree with solucky. I don't think that having a child soiling himself daily for 5 weeks is kind to them.

And I could not be bothered with the extra washing and work.

But if someone wants to do that, or is happy to let the nursery do this, then it is their decision to make.

As in the OP - the mother has made the decision to wake. It is up to her, and the child's father to make that decision together. Not for the OP to take the 'executive decision'-

dysfunctionalme Sun 30-Sep-12 12:27:47
Well the cloth won't take the child to the toilet and talk with them etc, that's your bit (or the red herring you identify)

WTAF are you on about? That makes zero sense. YOU are the one who thinks the cloth nappies make the difference - I'm telling you that it's bollocks. The rest of what you have said above is UTTERLY irrelevant.

I think the rude and arrogant posts are those suggesting that parents who have children who don't potty train til later are lazy, don't talk to the children, don't take them to the toilet etc

I think the cloth vs disposable thing is purely convenience.

Of course people started earlier when they were washing cloth nappies.

And back when everyone was using cloth nappies, many women were at home so had more time to devote to toilet training.

(just to add SAHM vs WOHM mum into the mix)

sovery, I think you are taking Sirzy's post the wrong way. She's talking about the people who blame late toilet-trainers parents for being crap.

"I have to agree with solucky. I don't think that having a child soiling himself daily for 5 weeks is kind to them."

she never said daily... and they would be wetting into a nappy anyway - so wet against the skin. why is that better? so long as the child is happy, its fine, isn't it?

oh sorry sovery!

Leaving potty training until age 3 if the child has no special needs is lazy parenting! People who say their child is not ready is probably clueless as to how to potty train.