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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want in-laws to come first thing on Christmas morning?

239 replies

SofaKing · 28/09/2012 18:22

FIL and step-MIL asked if they could come up for Christmas this year, they live in SE England and we are in Scotland. They are staying at a hotel, as we have 3 in a 3 bed house we don't have room for them to stay with us, but the hotel is only ten minutes walk away.

So far so good, but MIL phoned last night and mentioned that they would like to set their alarm and come up early to watch the DC open their presents, then go back to the hotel about 9 for breakfast. I was non committal about this to her, as I was surprised, but I'm really uncomfortable with this. I don't want to be seen by my in laws when I'm in my jammies, and I've always felt first thing in the morning should be parents and kids only, and the rest of the day is for visiting and being visited.

I have talked to DH and he has said he will talk to them and suggest they come up about eight instead, but he is not assertive and mil is very assertive, so I am worried they will come up anyway even if DH asks them not to.

Sorry for the essay :-) , anyway, AIBU?

OP posts:
RightBuggerforGOLD · 29/09/2012 14:19

Yanbu just say no.

Molehillmountain · 29/09/2012 14:56

Right back at you fuzzpig Smile. Needed that- just hearing up to a visit for dd's birthday Confused

fuzzpig · 29/09/2012 15:12

Shame you can't choose the family you're born into, eh? But I console myself with the fact that you CAN choose the family you make for yourself, so I'm trying to make it a happy one :)

Jux · 29/09/2012 15:15

Personally, I don't want visitor until 11ish on Xmas day.

Can you give the dc some presents to open when you first get up, but keep some good ones back to be opened when ILs get there? Presumably, ILs will bring gifts for the dcs too.

We have stockings first thing and then presents at about 11; I hadn't realised how sensible that was until I read this thread!

lazzaroo · 29/09/2012 15:37

Thank you NannyOgg. dipping in and out of this thread has made me feel horrible about the whole thing again! Going to try & forget about it until nearer the time!!

diddl · 29/09/2012 15:42

Well I´m not a GM yet.

But if I was staying 10 mins down the road I´m sure I´d love to see my GC opening their presents tbh.

I know that I´d pop in, not care what anyone was wearing & go back to hotel for breakfast.

I guess that´s why for me it wouldn´t seem such a big deal-if GC are already up & about.

But OP knows what the liklihood of it being easy is.

But if it´s a case of OP being a grump/can´t be bothered/thinks it´s just for parents to watch, then I think that she should put that aside.

Also-what about husband-does he care if his parents are there or would rather they weren´t?

zipzap · 29/09/2012 16:22

How far away is your sisters? Were you going to go and stay with them or drive to them on the day?

If you were going to drive to them then I'd be very tempted to tell PIL that they are welcome to come and watch the dc open their presents at stupid o'clock and it's great that they are going to go back to the hotel for breakfast because you'll be having to leave soon afterwards to go and see your sis for christmas day itself. And that you're not sure what time you'll be getting back but will look forward to seeing them on Boxing Day - at say 11.30 for brunch as you'll all be catching up on sleep after such an early start and long day the previous day. Oh and I hear that the hotel do a very nice xmas lunch, as does abc restaurant nearby but that they need to book sooner rather than later as it does tend to book up quickly and they don't want to miss out. Such a shame, if only they had asked you before booking to come and stay with you, then they would have found out that you have plans already and wouldn't have wasted a trip. And that you were planning on asking them to visit never between xmas and new year, for new year, for easter - whenever.

I know, I know, you're not rude and passive aggressive but I bet you'd love to and dream of saying just this or telling them that you're going to be at your sister's for their entire stay even more so Grin

But make sure that at some point you tell them that next year you'll be at your sister's for christmas day as their actions have forced you to change your plans for this year. If they are rude enough to invite themselves without checking that it is ok and that you don't have other plans then absolutely they need to hear that they have imposed and caused other people to change their plans.

OP - is there any chance that your DH told them that they could come and stay as he wasn't keen on going to your sister's? REgardless - still need to tell the PIL that they have intruded and have spoilt your (and others) christmas plans if your dh knew about going to your sis...

hope you have a happy christmas despite their intrusion!

Numberlock · 29/09/2012 16:36

That would be lovely wouldn't it Zip. Drive all the way to see us and you can have a couple of hours of our time before we tell you to fuck off and spend the next 24 hours on your own in a strange town. Sends a lovely message to the kids too.

AnitaManeater · 29/09/2012 16:39

YANBU
6am is far too early. We do stockings in bed, the contents of which are expected to entertain them until the afternoon. We have the 'tree presents' after lunch, usually about 3pm if not later!

ll31 · 29/09/2012 16:40

think yabvu -its 1 day, its christmas

Floggingmolly · 29/09/2012 16:41

I would imagine there's a special place in Hell reserved for anyone who did what you're suggesting, zipzap.
Do you have any friends?

fluffiphlox · 29/09/2012 16:42

Ah, Christmas the season of good will

Numberlock · 29/09/2012 16:50

Oh and zip they didn't invite themselves, they asked if they could come for Christmas.

But don't let the facts get in the way of your nastiness.

thebody · 29/09/2012 16:52

Wow zip, how horrible, are you being ironic though?

Christmas is a mad time to be endured at best so let them come ffs, you have your little family unit all the rest of the year.

Open wine early and just embrace.

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2012 16:52

Well I have to say that I think them wanting to turn up at 6am is bloody unreasonable and I'd have several fits about that!

But, do your DC insist on opening presents at that hour? We weren't allowed to - we could open our stockings, do what we liked until parents could be persuaded out of bed, usually around 8am. Then and only then were we allowed downstairs to see what was down there. Opening presents at our house was a Major Production though and involved a 500W light and a cine camera, so generally wasn't a feature until after lunch (certainly as we got bigger).

Grandparents came over late afternoon for tea - when we opened tree presents and the ones that they had brought with them (another Major Production).

If you can persuade your DC to delay opening presents until after breakfast at least, then there would be absolutely No Need for the grandparents to rock up at 6am. I have to say, if my MIL wanted to arrive that early, I wouldn't be up - I am horrendous at that hour in the morning! Barely civil by 8am, but at 6 - argh!

Can you persuade the DC? Or is that a no go?

MegBusset · 29/09/2012 16:56

I think YANBU actually. Whatever happened to compromise? Let the kids open their stockings at 6am, save the other presents til after breakfast when the GPs arrive at a more reasonable hour!

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2012 17:11

Ooo coco - just seen your cunning wheeze with the magic Santa dust - might have to remember that one and save it for when DS gets a bit bigger! Grin

fuzzpig · 29/09/2012 17:15

I was under the impression that they didn't actually ask though (not that I'm condoning zip's suggestion)

What does your DH REALLY think about all this btw? Bit concerned about the sulky teenager issue... Not cool...

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2012 17:19

Fuzzpig, you're right, they didn't ask, they just told the OP they were coming - so she had to change her plans.
OP has given back story on why her DH behaves like a sulky teen around his father - pretty much fair enough, I'd say, although he could probably do with a bit of counselling to get him over it.

Numberlock · 29/09/2012 17:37

According to the first post, they asked. But clearly they are now the PILs from hell.

Pavlovthecat · 29/09/2012 17:37

but they did not invite themselves, they asked and the OP did not have the balls to say Not At That Time. She was, in her own words 'non-committal' about it all:

FIL and step-MIL asked if they could come up for Christmas this year
...but MIL phoned last night and mentioned that they would like to set their alarm and come up early to watch the DC...

no bulldozing or imposing, suggesting and not being told No.

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2012 17:40

"SofaKing Fri 28-Sep-12 18:54:35
define me I think you get how I feel about this exactly. PIL did not really even ask if they could come up at Christmas, they mentioned it was a possibility and then told us they had booked flights, so I already felt a bit hijacked as we'd been planning to have Christmas at my sister's and had to change. "

Not really asking then.

Numberlock · 29/09/2012 17:44

Yeah she only put that in after though when everyone told her she was unreasonable.

fuzzpig · 29/09/2012 17:46

What I meant by the DH thing was - obviously there is a massive back story for this and I (along with many others on this thread) can really sympathise with having awkward relationships with parents - does he actually want them there at all? Because if he doesn't, he needs to sort that out TBH, rather than letting it happen and sulking therefore leaving OP to deal with the fallout.

Thumbwitch · 29/09/2012 17:47

No, not everyone by a long shot - but I see you did, Numberlock, so you're seeing it from your own perspective, which you're entitled to do.