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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DP and feel led up the garden path!?

212 replies

ErrorError · 26/09/2012 13:51

Brief background: DP & I have been together 4 years, I'm on the implant and we had been discussing me getting it removed and TTC. All talks were going well...

Recently, he's been offered a new job which is about 50% more than what he's earning now, fabulous, I'm chuffed for him. But now he tells me he does not want to TTC because it will be a stressful time transitioning jobs. Plus, he's decided he wants a new computer and car first, and then maybe move house. He's also started putting other weird conditions on our relationship, e.g. apparently I need a better job (I work part-time) and me not trying for something better/full-time means I'm not as invested in our future.

AIBU to think that his excuses are complete bollocks, he is only interested in acquiring money and possessions, he may have not really wanted to TTC in the first place and was leading me on, and/or any job I get will never be good enough for him?

I am so close to giving up on the relationship, because I will not stand for emotional blackmail. I just need rational outside voices of reason to tell me whether or not this is a situation even worth resolving!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 28/09/2012 12:46

I don't think it's a sign that he's not controlling htat he wants to you to get a better job, because he tells you he wants you to get a better job, but only in a set area where you can't get a better job- it's then keeping you in your place, not outshining him, not meeting interesting people (who might be better than him) but also getting to make you feel like a failure because you've failed to do the impossible.

lotsofcheese · 28/09/2012 13:23

Onwards & upwards, error I don't think you can win with him no matter what you do & would only end up compromising yourself further.

I think he's just a non-committal bloke - and fair enough at 27 - but he expects you to do all the compromises & puts conditions on you.

Fast-forward a year.... You'll be living it up in the city, possibly in a relationship, having the time of your life. That's what your 20's are for.....

Mypopcornface · 28/09/2012 13:57

Leave the bastard

Mypopcornface · 28/09/2012 14:05

My scientist ex H made me leave my country, family, friends and career after graduation to join him in the other side of the world while he was pursuing his high paid/ extremely important career. I tried everything I could d
To develop myself there but he would always sabotage me. Even when I was working full time, earning a decent wage, sharing bills and saving, he would still looki down in me and feel embarrassed about me because I wasn't a high achiever like he was. He than met the OW who would make himself look 'better' and who could also help him a lot on his new business due her contacts and expertise, so he dumped me saying that I should be grateful for the opportunities he provide me with and he 'invested' lot in me but I didn't meet his expectations...I thought he was about to ask for some kind of compass tin at that point...I was so destroyed I agreed to pay for half of the divorce even though he was the one with OW and calling the marriage quits. I was with him 5 years in total, I didn't see it coming at all. Run like the wind as fast as you can.

MamaMary · 28/09/2012 14:13

Error, well done for your brave decision to go and pursue your dreams. That spirit will carry you far.

I have to say I agree with the above poster that your DP does not sound like a very nice person, or even someone who shares your values. Calling your job a 'little job' is a red flag IMO - it's belittling and very disrespectful. Would you ever be good enough for him, especially now that his priorities are changing and he is becoming more materialistic? Interesting that the prospect of more money is making him more tight-fisted and controlling (you must get a better job or else)...it is really not a good sign.

Please put yourself first and let him carry on and find all the glory he is seeking in his new job.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 28/09/2012 16:44

Error well done for making such a positive decision for yourself. :)

I have to disagree, though, with your assessment that he must not be controlling if he wants you to have a better "more important job etc. This is actually very much a controlling move- he obviously doesn't think much of your "little job" and your job is a reflection on him. He'd like you to have a higher paid job, either because he wants you to not be a drain on him (sorry but from your observations of his comments re: the one SAHM he knows that's the way it sounds like he thinks) or because he simply enjoys raising the bar for you. I suspect that even when you get a better job, he'll make some other judgement on it.

I suspect you'll find in the long run that this guy isn't worth the time you've been giving him. However, that's for you to decide. Just focus on what you need to do for yourself. Make your move. :)

NeDeLaMer · 29/09/2012 18:12

The more you say, the less I like him! What he is saying about his friend who has the SAHM wife is all telling. Listen when a man tells you what he is like!! He is telling you very clearly what he is like - it's up to you whether you take note of that now or wait until you have 3 kids by him and find him giving you minimal 'housekeeping' & complaining about anything and everything you need to buy for yourself and the kids.

Original poster
ErrorError · 21/10/2012 17:14

So brief update: "DP" and I finally split up. A single friend discovered him on a dating site looking for a new relationship exactly one week later. He also lied on his profile and has made himself look like a desperate ass. Just shows how forgettable our 4 years together were! Same friend also confided in my that she saw him on the same site a year ago, two weeks before my birthday, while we were still together. What and enormous twat. Well rid.

Re: Jobsearch - not making waves yet, but the above revelation has made me even more determined to work on it and get to where I want to be. Way too soon to start dating, but one day I hope the right man will come along who loves me for who I am. Time to be a bit selfish and build my career, and when I am in a happier, more secure place, I will thank everyone who has ever supported my ambitions.

Thanks Mumsnet ladies for helping me to see what I could not. x

OP posts:
Original poster
ErrorError · 21/10/2012 17:15

*confided in me

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 21/10/2012 17:34

Thanks for updating OP. It's a shame your friend didn't tell you he was on the dating site last year as it would have been one year less wasted with the loser, but what's done is done. Good luck with your job search. The future's yours for the taking now!

3LittleHens · 21/10/2012 18:30

You should both want the same things and have the same priorities. If he really loves you, money shouldn't be such a big issue for him.

Be careful that he doesn't try and control things so that it always suits him, with a few false promises chucked in to keep you dangling.
Always trust your instincts.

Original poster
ErrorError · 21/10/2012 18:34

That is so true 3LittleHens, which is why he's been given the boot. Just reached an impasse and he could not let the jobs thing go. Trying to see the positive, that the end of this relationship was a new beginning in disguise, and that by this experience I have learned what I don't want in a man.

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