To be angry with DP and feel led up the garden path!?

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Brief background: DP & I have been together 4 years, I'm on the implant and we had been discussing me getting it removed and TTC. All talks were going well...

Recently, he's been offered a new job which is about 50% more than what he's earning now, fabulous, I'm chuffed for him. But now he tells me he does not want to TTC because it will be a stressful time transitioning jobs. Plus, he's decided he wants a new computer and car first, and then maybe move house. He's also started putting other weird conditions on our relationship, e.g. apparently I need a better job (I work part-time) and me not trying for something better/full-time means I'm not as invested in our future.

AIBU to think that his excuses are complete bollocks, he is only interested in acquiring money and possessions, he may have not really wanted to TTC in the first place and was leading me on, and/or any job I get will never be good enough for him?

I am so close to giving up on the relationship, because I will not stand for emotional blackmail. I just need rational outside voices of reason to tell me whether or not this is a situation even worth resolving!

I think if you were to get pg, he'd get more controlling.

At your age you need to be out there, kicking arse and taking names.

He wants you kept exactly where you are (he picks problems with amything you DO try to do)

But when you are hobbled, he criticises you for it.

You need to put yourself first, cos he's not going to.

Yes, the 4 years spent with him will go for nothing, but tbh, that's what your 20s are for.

Get your cv sorted, and go get the job you want!

It sounds like he's got plans that don't involve children at the moment and he doesn't want to be tied down by them. Maybe he's changed his mind and was keen before but isn't now. I don't think that's very unreasonable of him to be honest. If you are in your thirties I would leave because you want different things from the relationship.

OH I'm sorry about the age mistake. But I agree. I spent most of my twenties with a man I didn't settle down with but I never think of it as a "mistake" or waste of time!

If you want to work in the creative industries going to China to TEFL will not look good on your CV.

You're 26, you need to start building up relevant experience.

Holding someone back because you're afraid of losing them is being a complete arse.

Why are you so grateful that he wants you hanging about wasting your life while he decides if he wants you?

He's no more ready to settle down than you are, or this job would have the opposite effect on his plans to start doing so.

He just doesn't want you to leave. Because it wouldn't suit him.

The way he knocks your ambitions and opportunities is really pathetic.

Someone who really loves you is happy for you to do exciting things and isn't always worried about the impact on themselves.

I know - when I had been with now DH for 4 years he supported me to move overseas for a couple of years to study. It was the making of me.

"He wants you kept exactly where you are (he picks problems with amything you DO try to do)

But when you are hobbled, he criticises you for it."

This.

He despises the sacrifices you've made to be with him, despite demanding them.

You would be crazy to make yourself financially dependent in this man.

Probably things have just come to a head and at this point it may be a relief if we split.

You said it, OP. You haven't wasted the past four years, you've learned a lot. About him, about you, about what you both want. You will waste your future if you carry on with this futile relationship - you have both grown up and clearly want different things now.

It happens. In years to come you'll look back and think "phew, narrow escape".

Please, go to London or whichever city you are thinking of - these are your years for doing this. By 35 you might be fed up of working anyway and be ready to settle down in the countryside, but at 26 you have all the energy to devote to your career, to having great experiences and to building those memories that make you feel as if you have lived.

I did this straight after graduation, with no job offer in hand, my boyfriend loaded my stuff into his car, drove me into central London and I took a room at one of the central London halls of residence. I had two weeks temporary work lined up and an arrangement that I would flat share with my boyfriend and some others when he came to London in a few months time. That was all - no particular security. I had to take that risk and it paid off.

Sixteen years later I am still here! I have lived and worked in some of the most vibrant parts of London and never regret making that move.

PS. I did end up marrying my boyfriend, but there were certainly other interested parties as soon as I arrived. You won't be single for long!

It's pretty clear that you're not 'the one' for him, you're a girlfriend of convenience. You're good enough for now, while you fit in with what he wants and he could end up settling down with you and 'making do' but more than likely he'll go off with someone else at some point.

If you challenge him about the sacrifices you've made he'll make it very clear that they were your choice.

Adding more wasted years does not validate the years you feel you've already wasted. That's the 'Concorde fallacy' (we've spent lots already, so we have to keep spending). No, you don't, you can only assess future options from where you are and choose the one that gets you from there to the best possible place.

A male friend once made the point that men and women view long-term relationships (especially in their 20s) completely differently. Women get comfy / move in and think they are as good as married. Men think 'wahey, I have all the benefits of marriage but none of the responsibilities' and are not necessarily committed at all. It's always a surprise to the woman when the man finds someone he does think is the one and drops her without a thought after any number of years.

If I were you I'd pursue my career, have some fun, then look out for someone more grown up who is ready to commit and really wants to commit to you.

Btw I'm not suggesting that he wasn't really into you to start with, or was knowingly manipulative. I bet though that your career ambitions were part of what made you attractive and he hasn't really thought through the contradictions. I also think that the more you bend to his demands the less he respects you. So you're jut not as attractive to him as you were. Perverse, contrary and probably something he'll shrug off rather than analyse.

Hmmmm. So he puts the kibosh on your career with promises of family life.

Then he puts the kibosh on family life with demands you pursue a career.

Does he do that a lot?

Creative industries, I am sorry, TEFL in China will not be a good move career wise, it will be the death knoll.

After a few years progressing your career in your field, you can look into moving out of London/Other Big City again, and even set up your own. But not now.

Oh no there are cats in this one thread too.........Just joking. Honestly I don't understand at all why you call him DP instead of boyfriend???you itch live with your parents, you don't have children or a good plan for the future and he is not only unsupportive but it seems he doesn't like a lot of things about you including your pets and friends. Does he criticised you appearance too? Do you need to chose your clothes or wear your hair in a certain way to please him? Do you always do the things that make him happy, eg: watch his programmes, his movies, eat the type of food he likes???

OP I am your age and I have a 14 week old baby. Let me tell you it's really really hard work. I wouldn't manage if it wasn't for the support of my fantastic DP who has been more than happy to help around the house, work overtime to make up the gap in our income and fully supports me going back to a part-time job.

FWIW I was the higher earner before I got pg, but my DP never resented this- he was always happy to cheer me on and I will always remember how special it made me feel when he called all of his friends to tell them about a great new job I had landed.

Now it's the other way round he doesn't resent me for earning less or wanting to work part-time. We pull together for the sake of family. It doesn't sound like your DP would do any of this. I have an awful feeling that even if he did have a massive change of heart, was fine with your circumstances and you got pg, he would later resent you and be reluctant to help when baby comes.

You deserve so so much better honey. Please just get out there and do what you want to do. If he loves you he'll support you in what you want. If he doesn't then you have your answer.

I was 2 years younger than you... in pretty much the same situation. I stayed another 6 years - it was 10 years (& lots of opportunities!) wasted instead of the 4. You simply cannot make the 4 years mean anything - you can't change those 4 years no matter what you do now, but you can change the next 60!!

Please don't stay with him - sort your own career/life out then meet someone who treasures you and your relationship and doesn't just see you in terms of 'how much you are contributing financially' & if you are 'doing enough' according to him...

Mypopcornface I called him DP on here because I felt a bit old to say boyfriend, and it's just quicker to type anyway. Also I wouldn't say he's controlling in the ways you listed, but let's just say he does get his own way a lot regarding what films/tv we watch etc! I would probably use the term 'gaslighter' (to give a specific example of this may out me, if I haven't already done so with the detail I've gone into.) But if you want to know desperately I'll PM the story and you can make up your own mind.

I admit I feel partly responsible for enabling his behaviour by not putting my foot down sooner on certain things. He wants to have his cake and eat it - and then get me to wash the plate!

Thanks others for further input too. It's sad to see that some of you have regrets and struggled to make a break for yourself. You all seem in much happier places now, however long it's taken, so I'm glad for that and will take it on board. Ultimately whatever I decide, I will put my own happiness first for a change. I'll have a long chat with DP/boyfriend at the weekend because we've been having a post-argument cool-off period since a few days before I wrote the OP.

P.S. when I wrote "want to know desperately" I didn't mean that sarcastically (just read how it might come across that way .) I just meant that if knowing a specific example of his behaviour would be beneficial to confirm whether or not he's a master manipulator, then I would be willing to tell it.

Good luck Error, I suggest whatever is decided in your conversation with DP this weekend about staying together, you keep looking for jobs in the city you want too in the area of work you want to do. Once you have a firm offer, you could then decide if you take it and move or not, and he isn't just talking about dumping you for leaving the area as a concept, but faced with actually doing it or telling you to turn down a great job you want. It's easy for him to say "don't go or it's the end for us" if that stops you even trying and he doesn't have to think about it, whether he'll actually do that when faced with it is a different matter.

As you don't live together, there is no reason why you couldn't move for a year or so and still see each other every weekend if you wanted to make it work (DH and I did long distance to different countries and saw each other every second weekend, it would be a lot easier for you to do this!) and then once you've proved yourself workwise and he's had a year or so in his new job to establish himself, you'll then be able to make the "who is able to move with work so we can be together?" decision from a more equal point of view.

It also will be more tangable what he's asking you to give up if you actually have the career and life in another city, right now he's asking you to give up potential that might not happen anyway, he can kid himself he's not actually asking you to sacrifice a real thing.

Thank you for that, I think I will use some of that logic in my argument. At least he couldn't then accuse me of not trying for a better job I suppose! I know it will be difficult to talk to him as he's good at avoiding serious issues, but it needs said.

I also think he doesn't need to know you are applying for jobs in that city - or at least, it doesn't need to be part of this discussion, it's something you just do, you can inform him, but as you arne't living together, I wouldn't feel the need to discuss it, you do not need his permission, it doesn't matter what he thinks about you applying, once you have a firm job offer, then you can discuss if you take it how it will effect your relationship. Did he ask your permission before he applied for his new job in terms of how it would effect your relationship if it ties you to the area? If not, then you shouldn't feel you need his blessing to start job hunting.

Get your life moving. If he loves you, he won't dump you for getting a great job in the same country (and therefore possible to keep your relationship going). His career is not more important than yours. His dreams aren't more important than yours. You should not be the only one to make sacrifices.

(Ideally before you talk this weekend you'll have gone online and got your CV out to a number of agencies/applied for any jobs you can find you fancy the look of, get on to that this evening, TV's a bit crap tonight anyway, you might as well do it now while you're feeling inspired!)

Totally agree with what other posters have said, you are only 26 and him 27, loads of time to have a baby. Move in together, buy a house, earn some money, save some money and enjoy being in your 20's! When babies come life changes completely, nobody can prepare you for that and I am saying that as someone who has a 14month old, life will never be the same again

I think my question would be not about TTC, but about whether he is ready to commit. We got married both 22 and neither of us wanted to have a baby yet, more important to sort out both careers, buy a house etc.

In the circumstances you describe (not living together) I think you'd be mad to TTC at 26.

In terms of controlling behaviour - if he is trying to control you know just imagine how bad it would be once you had kids - will he talk about it?

Good lucky. He is manipulative to certain extent yes, it is clear. Also is also clear that you are unhappy and staying won't help. Because even if he says now he is ready to have a baby tomorrow you eyes are wide open for all the opportunities you potentially are loosing and you have a glimpse of how he would probably see/treat you as a SAHM or part timer with out a 'real career/ real money/ real status'. If he is anything like my ex he will start thinking that you make him look bad because you are not such a high achiever like he is. It is called insecurity.

The other logic to apply to the situation would be to tell him that you have taken on board what he has said about you finding a better job. Tell him you agree, and having analyzed the situation carefully you have come to the decision that the only way you can do this is to look for full time work as a career job, not just a job. This is the only way you can earn enough for an affluent life style, and the only place is in Big City. So totally in line with his logic, you are now applying for full time career jobs in Big City. Of course, babies wont be on the horizon then for quite some time, and you are still young. It is more important to develop a career and set yourself up for the future, than make a family right now.