Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DP and feel led up the garden path!?

212 replies

ErrorError · 26/09/2012 13:51

Brief background: DP & I have been together 4 years, I'm on the implant and we had been discussing me getting it removed and TTC. All talks were going well...

Recently, he's been offered a new job which is about 50% more than what he's earning now, fabulous, I'm chuffed for him. But now he tells me he does not want to TTC because it will be a stressful time transitioning jobs. Plus, he's decided he wants a new computer and car first, and then maybe move house. He's also started putting other weird conditions on our relationship, e.g. apparently I need a better job (I work part-time) and me not trying for something better/full-time means I'm not as invested in our future.

AIBU to think that his excuses are complete bollocks, he is only interested in acquiring money and possessions, he may have not really wanted to TTC in the first place and was leading me on, and/or any job I get will never be good enough for him?

I am so close to giving up on the relationship, because I will not stand for emotional blackmail. I just need rational outside voices of reason to tell me whether or not this is a situation even worth resolving!

OP posts:
PeshwariNaan · 26/09/2012 16:38

He told me before if I moved away he couldn't be with me anymore, because he doesn't want a long distance relationship.

There's your answer. If someone won't do anything to be with you, they don't want to be with you.

Anyway, you're both in the UK, right? How long distance could it possibly be? DH and I did overseas long distance for 3 1/2 years. It worked because we just really wanted to be together and knew we'd be in the same country someday.

IMO it's a rubbish excuse from your "DP" and I stand by my statement that I question his commitment to you. Too many excuses!

geegee888 · 26/09/2012 16:40

He sounds perfectly normal and reasonable for a 27 year old bloke with no attachments. I don't see what is wrong with wanting a new car and computer when you have nothing else to spend your money on?

I also think you're playing on the hard done by thing a bit too much. I know jobs are hard to get right now but at 26 is there really any reason for you to be working part-time? If you don't develop a full time career now, when will you do it? How will you ever gain any experience at paying your own rent, etc?

You sound quite incompatible. He sounds ambititious and you don't, and you sound a bit like you want someone to pay for you. He doesn't sound like that man. But then I don't get this thing of planning your entire life around having children and doing very little else with it, seems like such a waste to me, rewarding though children are, there are other things too.

PeshwariNaan · 26/09/2012 16:41

^bit harsh considering the OP actually is ambitious and gave up a high-flying job at her DP's insistence...

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 26/09/2012 16:43

No...an ambitious woman in her mid twenties would never give up her career prospects because her DP asked her to!

I know...I was one! At 25 my DP wanted me to stay in our home town, have a baby and all that...I didn't even consider it! I was off to London to focus on my career. There was no competition.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 16:43

We were planning to live together, but now he's got this better job he's started putting conditions on it. Therein lies the problem. It wasn't just me railroading him into TTC and him getting cold feet, as someone suggested. TTC was a mutual desire which we'd get started on when we moved. He suggested it first (now beginning to believe it was a carrot dangling bribe to stop me from moving away.)

What I don't understand is, he's saying my wages aren't good enough for me to be able to live with him, but he wants to have kids and we both agreed that I'd be a working from home or full-time Mum until school age, so surely he'd end up supporting me anyway? It makes no sense. Think I need to establish his commitment level to me first before I make a decision. After being together 4 years I expect some more honesty really.

OP posts:
cantspel · 26/09/2012 16:49

He might have just simply changed his mind and decided at 27 he doesn't want to be tied down to dirty nappies and supporting 2 other people.

Better he does it now then gets you pregnant just to keep you happy and then sods off as it is not what he really wants.

MardyArsedMidlander · 26/09/2012 16:50

This is going to sound harsh- but he's still relatively young, he's just got a good job and a bit of disposable income and wants to enjoy it. Whereas you're working part time, living with your parents and already planning to give up work and rely on him.
Make yourself a prize! Go get that good job yourself, move out of home- don't just be there waiting for him to finance you.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 16:53

His new job is one step down from managerial, and in a scientific industry. He hasn't even started it yet, lol!

I was ambitious enough to attempt to pursue a career in the city until I got the big ultimatum. I put him first because maybe I naively thought he would have done the same for me.

I live in a rural area, part time was the only option available and I'd rather take that than nothing. I am qualified in a creative industry and there are no creative jobs here. Literally none. I work in admin. Part-time also suits me at the moment because I'm helping out at home with disabled Mum, but still. Why is this not good enough to live with DP?

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 26/09/2012 16:53

Do you think he loves you? Because if he does, then a long distance relationship will work, they only don't work for couples who don't actually love each other.

Do you think he loves you? Because if he does, then he will support you focussing on your career for a couple of years before you are really ready to start planning DCs even if that means you have to live apart for a year or two.

Do you think he loves you? Because if he does, then he will see that you looking after DCs is 'pulling your weight' in the relationship.

Do you think he loves you? Because if he does, then long term he'll want to be living with you, with DCs in a nice house in a town where you can both fullfil your career ambitions and will accept it might take a couple of side steps to get there.

Do you think he loves you? Because if he does, he will be on your 'team' not someone you have to battle with to get your own way.

AmberLeaf · 26/09/2012 16:54

Dont have a child with this man, he sounds like the sort that would resent you being on maternity leave and not 'investing' in the relationship [ie bringing in a wage]

DontmindifIdo · 26/09/2012 16:57

move to the City for a couple of years. Sounds like his job is the more mobile one, so he fits round you.

MardyArsedMidlander · 26/09/2012 16:57

It's not about being 'good enough' to live with your DP- but honestly, you sound like someone from the 50s. You have put your entire life on hold and perhaps he is now regretting that weight of responsibility.
Why not seize the advantage and tell him you are going to also pursue your career for two years so you can each build up some money and buy a house? His response to that- either 'No, marry me NOW' or 'er actually don't bother'- will tell you how he feels about your future.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 17:00

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts, when you moved to London to further your career, did you DP offer to come with you, or make it work long distance? Mine didn't, and that's why i'm still here! That's the difference, if he loved me he would have at least tried.

geegee888 I may have been a bit stupid stop looking for the jobs I really want because I was on a promise of a 'better life', but I don't think I'm being hard done by.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 17:06

I don't want to rely on DP financially at all. I want a better career to save for raising DC etc, but in my location this isn't going to happen. DP knows this and has up until now played on the idea that we could have our family asap. It's only since he got offered the better job that he has started saying I need to make more of an effort. Our plans were fine and mutual before this.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 26/09/2012 17:08

Get off the garden path, move to the city and start your career without this guy holding you back and then blaming you for it.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/09/2012 17:13

He's doing whatever is best for him and so should you. He stayed where he wanted, he has a job he wanted. You have none of what you wanted.

Viviennemary · 26/09/2012 17:14

I think you should stop building your plans on what he might or might do. You can't rely on other people always to fulfil your hopes and dreams. So if you want a career then go for it. No point in hanging around for ever on what might be on offer and yet might not be.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 26/09/2012 17:16

Error He followed me. It didn't work out though as the only reason he was there was for me....and he wouldn't make an effort to make a social life for himself and he got jealous of mine.

He went home again a year later.

poozlepants · 26/09/2012 17:17

Honestly- he sounds like an idiot. He's gone and got himself a better job, got carried away and thinks he's the bees knees. Now he doesn't need to keep you onside and he thinks you are holding him back before he's even started it. Give him up and move on.
He moved in with you and now he's giving you ultimatums about what you need to do in order to be allowed to move in with him. Doesn't sound much like a relationship that is going anyway. Sorry.
Your life will be better without him.
.

cantspel · 26/09/2012 17:17

maybe getting his new job has made him think a bit more about what he wants from life and he has decided he doesn't want early fatherhood and the responsibility of keeping you and a child just yet.

Move to your city and get yourself a career and if he loves you and you love him then you will find away to stay together. If not then at least you haven't bought a child into an unstable relationship.

BonaDea · 26/09/2012 17:18

Hang on, hang on.

I have to say that men really do think about the world quite differently sometimes. After I was with my (now) DH for about 2 years, I felt ready to move in together, get engaged, get married, get up-duffed. He just quite simply wasn't ready. It cause quite a lot of arguments as i just couldn't understand why, if he loved me (which he did), he wouldn't want all those things when I wanted them.

He felt VERY strongly about taking those steps at a time when he was able to be the provider for our relationship (ie if i was having a baby / going on mat leave). When he had a higher paying, more stable job (he already was very well paid and in a good job, he just wanted bigger and better), a family-appropriate house in terms of size and neighbourhood and generally to feeel like we were all set.

I felt that loads of people have babies when they are both working in good jobs but not perfect, in nice enough flats but not perfect, in stable relationships though not married etc and just couldn't understand his rationale.

Eventually (and I mean like 3 years later) things clicked into place for him. He'd changed jobs, we'd found our 'family home', he proposed. We got married and are now expecting our first baby. Sometimes it is not to do with how much he loves you, just how ready he is.

You 'just' have to judge which it is. Is he not ready or is he not for you?

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 17:27

BonaDea What you're saying does make some sense to me. He was all ready to go for it with the old job, regardless of my employment status, but now the new job will give him the chance to go for a better standard of living, I can understand he wants to get that in place first. He'll want me to get a better job so I could contribute more to sustain this lifestyle. I understand his reasons, but not his principle ultimatum giving.

Me moving away to get a better job meant that he would have had to take a pay cut until we established ourselves. So yes, I do think he's just not ready to give up his luxuries. Yes, a 27 year old man can do whatever the hell he likes with his own money, but why promise me this 'better life' then, only to put a condition on it. He's not one to be figured out I fear. sigh

OP posts:
BonaDea · 26/09/2012 18:22

Also, I think a few people have mentioned this above and I really don't mean to sound patronising, but you are both still quite young. PARTICULARLY him.

27 year old men have the mental and emotional ages of pubescent boys. It won't do any harm to give him a year or two to get his act sorted if you love him and otherwise think he might be 'the one'.

Even if the worst happened and you end up splitting, you still have plenty of time at that point to meet someone else, fall in love and do all the baby making. Time is on your side.

BonaDea · 26/09/2012 18:24

p.s and this is my last word: i do think men value themselves and each other on their careers / money so much more than we women do. For us, having good relationships and happy family life is often how we value ourselves. So, don't dismiss his desire to make a go of this new job as him fobbing you off, as he may not be doing that at all.

AThingInYourLife · 26/09/2012 18:36

Why would Error (or anyone for that matter) think a pubescent boy was "the One"?

I guess thinking anyone is The One is pretty pubescent in itself.

Error you are pissing away some of the best years of your life working part time in an admin job in a rural backwater waiting for a man who won't support your ambitions to get you pregnant.

It's such a bloody waste.