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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DP and feel led up the garden path!?

212 replies

ErrorError · 26/09/2012 13:51

Brief background: DP & I have been together 4 years, I'm on the implant and we had been discussing me getting it removed and TTC. All talks were going well...

Recently, he's been offered a new job which is about 50% more than what he's earning now, fabulous, I'm chuffed for him. But now he tells me he does not want to TTC because it will be a stressful time transitioning jobs. Plus, he's decided he wants a new computer and car first, and then maybe move house. He's also started putting other weird conditions on our relationship, e.g. apparently I need a better job (I work part-time) and me not trying for something better/full-time means I'm not as invested in our future.

AIBU to think that his excuses are complete bollocks, he is only interested in acquiring money and possessions, he may have not really wanted to TTC in the first place and was leading me on, and/or any job I get will never be good enough for him?

I am so close to giving up on the relationship, because I will not stand for emotional blackmail. I just need rational outside voices of reason to tell me whether or not this is a situation even worth resolving!

OP posts:
CassandraApprentice · 26/09/2012 15:00

I'd look around in city you wanted to move for current jobs there. If the relationship survives you moving for your career great - if not well ...

You can't change the choice you made in the past - so think about what you want to do now and then work out how you'll get there - ie stop worrying about what this guy wants from you.

internationalvulva · 26/09/2012 15:03

If the job yawned in that other city is still open to you I would take it. This man sounds like he wants what suits him, when it suits him, and he seems prepared to use false promises to make you skip to his tune. Build your own life, rather than moulding yourself to his, and once you have you're more likely to find someone who wants what you do!

internationalvulva · 26/09/2012 15:04

You wanted, not yawned, I flipping read before posting this time too!

megandraper · 26/09/2012 15:08

'I partly think that DP will resent me if he thinks for a moment I want to be a 'kept woman'.'

That is a red flag for me. He sounds like he might be really horrible to have kids with, and 5 years down the line you'd be posting in Relationships because you're doing all the housework, you're always up at night/early in the morning with the DCs and he is being a lazy, grumpy sod who resents you.

Happy parenthood is all about teamwork, and a resentful, secretive goalpost-moving DP doesn't make a good team member.

ENormaSnob · 26/09/2012 15:08

Sorry op but I'm with your dp.

It sounds like he wants someone a bit more career minded. Tbh I would never have moved in with someone who was earning much less in a part time role and then wanting kids asap. I wouldn't want to be the sole provider.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/09/2012 15:11

I think you are as bad as each other actually, in that you are both very young and naive.

You, because you are wanting to have kids with a man you don't live with yet, and for seeming to want to live off him before you've even had a baby.

Him for changing his mind every time his work situation changes, and for laying these various conditions on you.

I would move on OP. Sort your own life out, get a career going and then find someone to settle down and have children with.

PeshwariNaan · 26/09/2012 15:11

He sounds like he's really counting beans.

A partnership shouldn't be "how much each person is bringing in" - it should be your money together/ mutual shared goals, ideally.

It doesn't sound like you even have a basic partnership yet. You live separately, you don't have a firm bond, etc. Why did you change your life around for him again? You're really young and he sounds - erm, not worth it, frankly.

I'd think twice before continuing the relationship and you both definitely shouldn't be thinking about children yet.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 15:15

I am career minded. I was ready to move away thinking I had a chance of furthering my career, but when DP changed his mind and said if I moved we couldn't be together, and then offered the attractive alternatives (house/DC etc) which he knows I also want. These ultimatums and conditions are very enraging. I have put my dreams on hold so he could further his career. That's all I see, and I don't want to end up resenting 'him' for that.

OP posts:
PeshwariNaan · 26/09/2012 15:15

Re-reading your latest posts, I say sod him. Move to the city and work on your career - how does he expect you to automatically contribute tons of money when you've put him first??? I'm not sure he's actually committed to you.

Viviennemary · 26/09/2012 15:16

I agree with the poster who says that starting a family seems a lot lower on his list of priorities than it is on your list. And also how can you plan to start a family when you haven't even got your own home yet. In a way I think he is right but he should be more honest and straight with you.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2012 15:18

I dont understand how either of you can even think about starting a family, you both live with your own parents!

You are 26 years old. (this is not very young to be honest) You live with your mum. You work part time.

I suspect your boyfriend has higher aspirations for himself and his life, and might think that you lack ambition and drive.

I dont see how you can have any discussions about such serious matters as becoming parents yourselves when you like together with your own...
You dont even share day to day life.

Tabliope · 26/09/2012 15:22

I think he's being sensible. You're both only young. You could have 10 years of sorting out careers and living together and then having a family in a safe position. If after 3 years of moving in with him however - i.e. when you're 29 - I'd double check a family is what he wants. If not, I wouldn't waste any more time on it as you'll be close to 30 then and will need to leave yourself plenty of time to meet someone else. Good luck.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 15:30

He knows I don't lack ambition, he just never got on board with the ones I had. I'm only living with my parents to help them out really, I don't want to live alone. DP wants the house after saving a bit from his new job, and said he wants me to live with him, but I need to have a better job first, then we could TTC. Having kids was his suggestion as a way of making me stay local, because he knows I want that too. He's simply a carrot dangler.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2012 15:33

I think you should show him your ambition and drive, and go to the town where you can build a career. You can still see him, you just wont be as local as before!

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 15:33

Just to point out, he says he does want to be a dad. He wasn't only saying that to bribe me into not moving away. But you never know, eh.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 15:35

He told me before if I moved away he couldn't be with me anymore, because he doesn't want a long distance relationship. That's a horrible ultimatum to be given.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 26/09/2012 15:38

Fuck him off and further your career.

PedallingSquares · 26/09/2012 15:40

He knows I don't lack ambition, he just never got on board with the ones I had

It sounds like he is only interested in this relationship with you on his terms.

As long as you stay locally, you get a better, full-time job etc etc.

Do you really want to sign up to a lifetime of that?

I would move to the new city and look at building your career.

OneMoreChap · 26/09/2012 15:43

ErrorError Wed 26-Sep-12 15:35:05
He told me before if I moved away he couldn't be with me anymore, because he doesn't want a long distance relationship. That's a horrible ultimatum to be given.

It is.
Sack him for it, and move on.

susiedaisy · 26/09/2012 16:02

I think you both have differing ideas of your futures, I would finish it and move on with yours, otherwise you will always be left feeling resentful IMO

CakeMeIAmYours · 26/09/2012 16:08

He told me before if I moved away he couldn't be with me anymore, because he doesn't want a long distance relationship.

I'm sorry OP, but there's your answer right there. If he really, really loved you (i.e. as much as he should do for you two to start a family together) he would never countenance you splitting up over something as trivial as a few miles. Even a few hundred miles. He's just not that into you.

I don't actually think either of you ABU though, there's nothing wrong with having aspirations over and above DCs as he seems to have. Nothing wrong either with you wanting to start a family ASAP. Sadly, you just want different things out of life (well certainly on different timescales/priorities).

Either cut your losses now, or have a lifetime of stress and unhappiness as you continue to clash on important issues. 4 years down the drain will be a wrench. 10 years will be far, far worse.

adeucalione · 26/09/2012 16:26

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that it could just be panic talking.

DH and I set a date to start TTC and then a couple of weeks before he suddenly got cold feet - he didn't think we could afford it, didn't want to give up nice holidays etc.

I seem to remember losing my temper and throwing a bedside lamp at him (not good I know!); we began ttc-ing as planned and they are all teens now.

Of course his concerns could be more genuine and you will need to talk about things so that you are both happy, but your DH could just be having a wobble - and actually I think that it is good that he is really thinking through the consequences rather than rushing mindlessly into it.

StrangeGlue · 26/09/2012 16:32

Error, having read your further posts I'm starting to think he's a bit of a game playing, manipulative bell end. You also do already resent him by the sounds of him. I agree with the poster who said if you have kids with him you could be back on here talking about how you do everything in the home and he's down the pub all the time.

Put yourself first.

adeucalione · 26/09/2012 16:32

That'll teach me. I've read the thread now and take it all back - he's right, you do need to live together and earn enough money before even considering ttc.

soorploom · 26/09/2012 16:38

does his new job involve a lot of new responsibilities like being bossy, sorry a boss?. could be that the power of new found wealth has gone to his head and he doesn't even realise he's being so dictatorial. tell him how his attitude is making you feel. find out why your job is no longer good enough for him. be honest and don't pussyfoot around . if you are still not happy then maybe this isn't right for either of you together. sorry for your anguish [hug]