To be angry with DP and feel led up the garden path!?

[ErrorError]

Brief background: DP & I have been together 4 years, I'm on the implant and we had been discussing me getting it removed and TTC. All talks were going well...

Recently, he's been offered a new job which is about 50% more than what he's earning now, fabulous, I'm chuffed for him. But now he tells me he does not want to TTC because it will be a stressful time transitioning jobs. Plus, he's decided he wants a new computer and car first, and then maybe move house. He's also started putting other weird conditions on our relationship, e.g. apparently I need a better job (I work part-time) and me not trying for something better/full-time means I'm not as invested in our future.

AIBU to think that his excuses are complete bollocks, he is only interested in acquiring money and possessions, he may have not really wanted to TTC in the first place and was leading me on, and/or any job I get will never be good enough for him?

I am so close to giving up on the relationship, because I will not stand for emotional blackmail. I just need rational outside voices of reason to tell me whether or not this is a situation even worth resolving!

Do the above. See if he laughs at you or support you or understand you or comes up with another master plan.

uk.askmen.com/entertainment/austin/be-happy-not-content.html

Just stumbled across the above article. Very good read actually, I feel a bit more inspired now.

Those 4 years aren't wasted just because you don't end up with him. That's like saying schools a waste of time unless you pass exams.

I couldn't wait until the weekend to talk to him. Just got off the phone and without accusing him of emotional blackmail or any of that side of things, I just stated plainly and matter of factly what I wanted. I said I wanted to move away and if there was any chance of us having a future I had to do this, not only for my own happiness, but also to enable me to get the experience I want and need that will give me more stability to help provide for us (any future DCs included.)

I said that the worst case scenario is that it doesn't work out and I come home, but I will have tried and failed, rather than not tried and always wondered. If it does work out and I do get a chance to build my career - even better! Hopefully if the latter happens, then I'll be in a better position to come home should a creative job pop up in my hometown.

DP can't and won't move, but he says he's not going to stop me from trying. Not like I needed his blessing anyway, so that's what I'm going to do. Will work on my CV and start looking/applying for jobs asap.

DP said "Well keep your options open still about it [hometown], but it [moving away] will be harder than you think."

This thread has taken a very interesting turn. I thought it was all about how selfish he was being, snatching away the good life he offered because I apparently wasn't making an effort. But actually it's about me having the courage live my dream.

I am very surprised actually because I guarantee you that previously he said if I moved then we would split. I think he was ready to say that again, but I chipped in first and said "wouldn't you like a girlfriend with ambition, who you can be proud of. It would be miserable for us both if I was unfulfilled in my work and leeching off you at the same time."

His response above is brief but I will take it as cautious encouragement. Thank you all so so much. I feel a huge weight has been lifted. (May update thread sometime to let you know how it pans out!) You're all so wise x

How the fuck does he know how hard it will be?

Because he is a patronising sod he probably thinks doubting my chances will stop me. But as I'm not standing for that I chose to ignore it. Whether or not the relationship works out I don't know. I don't think he's miraculously become a changed man, I just think he's realised I've become more determined and there's nothing he can do about it.

If the relationship fails to work long distance then at least I will still be in a location where I'm happy and already established, instead of it dragging out and failing in hometown where I'm miserable anyway.

I'm under no illusion that it'd be easy, and the job market is pretty bad for anything right now. I honestly think he doesn't have a clue and is trying to put me off.

That's brilliant Error. I admire your spirit.

Yes, he is trying to put you off.

Well done for not falling for it.

It must make you love him a little less to see him pontificating so negatively about something he knows bugger all about just to stop you taking a chance.

You're right, it won't be easy. But it will be fun and challenging and you'll be where you want to be.

Best of luck :)

Please do let us know how you get on.

Well done Error, life beckons!

Excellent! Good going girl! Keep us updated.

Good for you!

Well done, Error! You have no children now, and your life is truly your own. Don't live it for someone who honestly doesn't sound like he cares as much as he should.

Pretty sure you'll get to London or wherever you're going and within a few short weeks/months your eyes will be opened and you'll wonder how you ever put up with him for 4 years! He'll be dumped good and proper and you'll be out taking on the world and meeting all kinds of new and interesting potential partners. Sometimes a little distance is exactly what you need to get some perspective.

Fwiw I hate the idea that because you've "invested" a certain amount of time in a person/relationship, you're then duty-bound to keep throwing good money after bad, so to speak. It's a terrible way to see things. Stay with this man because he's the one for you, you look forward to your future together, you believe you will make a great couple and great parents and great partners in life -- not because you've been with him for 4 years. Lots of people believe that and 20 years later they are left wondering what the hell happened to the prime of their lives. Don't be one of them!

Best of luck, you do sound like someone with a lot of ambition who was once sidetracked by a less-than-great partner (happens to the best of us). Don't beat yourself up over it, just keep looking forward... the best is yet to come for you.

Well done you!! Please keep us up to date!! :)

Well done. Hope it all works out well, and you find a great job, flat and good life.

Good for you, error. All the best in your new future. Keep us up to date when you can.

Good work OP. You're right, what an interesting thread this was. Good luck to you and please do update.

I was a bit harsh towards you in my first reply. I must admit I can be a bit sceptical about youngish women without children who have never worked full time, thinking they are just looking for a man to fund them. But then I thought about it more, about the type of man that wants a woman of working age with no dependents not to work, and positively encourages her by limiting her ambitions (often very subtly). Do you think your DP is controlling? Because obviously its much easier to control a woman who has no ability to pay her way through life, pay her own rent, leave an unsatisfactory relationship, etc..

Also his comment about you finding it harder to move away for work than you think. How odd. I have friends who have moved to London for work and had a great time. You're young, have no attachments, yes its harder than sitting on your backside doing nothing, but nows the time to do it, rather than looking back when you're 80 and realising you'd wasted your life.

It is actually quite rare not to work full time or be trying to establish a career at your age, following a university education. I can't think of one single female acquaintance who has done this, but I know a couple who are in ltrs with very controlling men, and I feel really sorry for them. In fact, DH is an engineer and I often joke with him that its always engineers who have wives and girlfriends who haven't ever worked - your DP isn't an engineer is he?!

I have worked full time before, well before and during uni I'd always been studying, but after uni I got a full time job, not in my preferred industry, but near to my hometown so I could be with DP. Unfortunately it was only a year's contract and I was very lucky to find my part-time job so I could walk straight out of one job and into the other, without having to sign on. DP lived with me when I was working full time, but got a new job and moved himself (wanting me to join him) but was made redundant and had to move back with his Dad, by which time as I couldn't afford to live alone, I was back with parents as she developed her illness. (It's something fairly rare I'd never heard of before with quick onset of symptoms, so this all happened within the last couple of years.)

Sorry for life story but I think it's important because it illustrates how living situation complicated matters further. I would have stayed in the city after uni had I not met my DP, but he had this idea that moving back would be ideal for us to build a future (more ideal for him career-wise, I see that now.)

DP seems to be a walking contradiction because he shows all the signs of being controlling. i.e. putting conditions on our relationship in order for me to meet his standards. But that condition was for me to get a better job, which confuses me, as surely a controlling man wouldn't want his partner to have a job at all, so he has all the say on finances. Wanting me to get a better job, but only if I stayed in hometown, where he knows there are no better jobs for me, does sound like a control cycle actually, in a weird way.

I wonder if he suddenly agreed my plans were reasonable, because now he's got his own financial security sorted, he's realised why it was important for me to have the same. We would have resented each other I think, if I was this kept woman. I have no problem whatsoever with SAHMs and I may do that in future myself, but I never wanted to rely on a man for money, I come from a family of hard-working women who raised me to hang on to my independence. So I think as someone said up-thread, I may have got sidetracked with this relationship and need to get back on track to do what's best for both of us.

Funnily enough, he's not an engineer, but fairly close! An analyst in a scientific field. Perhaps it's a Macho thing? I think he's a bit embarrassed of my job tbh. When he's told friends what I do he calls it my "little job", very patronising and he knows I don't like that. That's why I thought nothing I did would ever be good enough for him, and ultimately I just want someone to love me for who I am no matter what I'm earning.

Your "little job"! How rude! What do his friends wives and girlfriends do? Does he have many good male friends?

Its hard to say from what you describe if he is controlling or not, but it could be the start of it. I don't think the criticism of you is inconsistent with it, it could be just another form of control. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks up some obstacle to put in your way before you actually move away.

But honestly you are far too young to waste your life on staying at home on the promise of marriage and children one day with him. You need to establish a career now, because it will be so much harder after children and you never know when you might need it to fall back on.

One of the engineer's girlfriends I mentioned, has just had to move back home with her parents at the age of 33, after they finished (no children). As far as I can make out, she gave up university after she met him, moved in with him and interspersed between part time, unskilled jobs and not working. He cheated on her, she forgave him, he then decided he preferred the woman he cheated on her with, and broke up with him, and of course she had nowhere to stay and no way of paying any rent.

If you'd had told me at 16 that 10 years from now I'd still be living with my parents, I would have laughed in your faces. I just have to get things sorted now because I don't want to be here at 36! Or living a crap life relying on DP because it's too convenient.

He doesn't have that many male friends in the area. Most of them were from his uni and now live all over the country. They're married/engaged and their wives work. The few friends he has here are mostly unmarried or single, the one friend here that is married has a wife who doesn't work but raises their 2 DC. DP often comments on it saying he doesn't understand why X spends so much much money on wife, and she seems to treat him like a cashpoint. I have to (gently) remind him that other people have different priorities and X must do this because he wants to and loves her. Wife is clearly not a gold digger in my view, plus pulls her weight raising the kids. But DP is cynical about stuff like this.

Like I said though, he's a walking contradiction. My best bet at the moment is to take even the slightest hint of agreement with my plans as positive encouragement and get on with it. If he can't see that this effort will benefit both of us, then he is stupid and probably not worth it. But I'll have to find out for myself and see how he is when I move. I will be aware of any obstacles he tries to put in my way, and do my best to ignore them!

OP This is the time of your life when you should be setting your own goals and working towards them. What you do now is going to affect your while life, and I applaud your intention to do what's best for you and not be deflected by this man however comfortable the present arrangement may be. When you do eventually have children - either with this man or another - they will have a better, more secure home.

whole life, obv