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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DP and feel led up the garden path!?

212 replies

ErrorError · 26/09/2012 13:51

Brief background: DP & I have been together 4 years, I'm on the implant and we had been discussing me getting it removed and TTC. All talks were going well...

Recently, he's been offered a new job which is about 50% more than what he's earning now, fabulous, I'm chuffed for him. But now he tells me he does not want to TTC because it will be a stressful time transitioning jobs. Plus, he's decided he wants a new computer and car first, and then maybe move house. He's also started putting other weird conditions on our relationship, e.g. apparently I need a better job (I work part-time) and me not trying for something better/full-time means I'm not as invested in our future.

AIBU to think that his excuses are complete bollocks, he is only interested in acquiring money and possessions, he may have not really wanted to TTC in the first place and was leading me on, and/or any job I get will never be good enough for him?

I am so close to giving up on the relationship, because I will not stand for emotional blackmail. I just need rational outside voices of reason to tell me whether or not this is a situation even worth resolving!

OP posts:
TraineeBabyCatcher · 26/09/2012 19:06

I don't know what else has been said but I can kinda understand both sides.

I can fully understand how you feel. However, maybe he's thinking well now we have a bit more money coming in we can afford a few extra luxuries but better get them out the way before all the work of a baby. So that you have less to worry about when baby does arrive.

WilsonFrickett · 26/09/2012 19:28

Error you are pissing away some of the best years of your life working part time in an admin job in a rural backwater waiting for a man who won't support your ambitions to get you pregnant.

That.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts · 26/09/2012 19:28

What Wilson said.

WilsonFrickett · 26/09/2012 19:29

Pressed post too soon! And if you want to get into the creative industries the time is now, by the way. You have a whole - what? 4 years of sharp-elbowed grads now standing between you and your dream job... If you don't go for it now, you are very likely to miss your shot.

SomersetONeil · 26/09/2012 19:38

You're forcing a square peg into a round hole here - trying to make something happen with completely unsuitable tools.

This relationship really doesn't sound like the one to be making life-long commitments to and having children in. Honestly. Cut your losses and move on - it's not meant to be like this.

aldiwhore · 26/09/2012 19:52

If he was serious about becoming a family any time soon he would acknowledge that your part time job is one you could return to quite easily after you've had your baby/,mat leave.

He doesn't sound at all ready to commit to the 'unit' of family. He's not bad for not being ready, but it sounds like you're at very different stages in your life and want very different things.

He may well make a fine catch in a few years when he's ready, but he isn't and you cannot force that readiness on him. It sounds like he likes you enough to want to build a long term future with, but not right now.

My DH wasn't ready to even think about 'settling down' until he was 31. I don't think he's BU, and I don't think you are either. You're just after different things.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 26/09/2012 19:54

I think it's the end of the road for you two, OP and, frankly, I think you'll look back with a sigh of relief if you give it up now.

I don't blame a man of 27 who, hearing he's going to get 50% more money, thinks of all the things he can buy with it. That's completely normal. It's also normal that he wants you to be more equal financially - personally I would hate to work full time and support someone who worked part time, when there were no children involved.

And as for you, there's so much more going on in the world, you know. Move to the city, have a career you're proud of. You say you wanted to have children and work from home - have you really thought that through? What kind of job could you do at home then that you couldn't do now? Can you imagine trying to work in the house with a baby, never mind a husband who thinks you're not working hard enough? Your life would be very stressful.

I think you've grown out of this man. It's normal to do that at your age. He's selfish, isn't he? Go and have your own life and have a lovely time.

mrsQuintas · 26/09/2012 19:57

Maybe getting the new job has made him really stop and think what he wants from life ? It's a difficult time for you obviously but maybe for him aswell ? Maybe the new job has made him realise he perhaps has different priorities to you ?

Also, I know it's the 21st century etc but think that deep down alot of men are defined by their jobs etc.

As other posters have said, neither of you are actually kids and to even consider TTC, you need to have a stable and secure relationship. Perhaps even try living together first to see if you can stand each other !

Hope this works out well for both of you.

AThingInYourLife · 26/09/2012 20:34

"It sounds like he likes you enough to want to build a long term future with, but not right now."

No, it sounds like he likes you well enough to want you close by in case he doesn't meet anyone else he likes better.

Convincing you to stay nearby with half-promises of babies when you looked like you might go and get a life of your own shows he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

And why on earth you agreed is utterly beyond me.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 20:53

Do you mean why I agreed to stay? Well, now I'm not sure after reading these responses. I suppose I thought that if this job he's just been offered is his dream, then I would be selfish to prevent him from reaching his potential by asking him to move after all. I know that was silly now because he was evidently not going to accommodate my dream into his plans. Tempting me with a comfortable financially stable life that I do (eventually) want, isn't really fair if he isn't going to at least support my ambition.

The only thing I can think of to do, besides splitting up, would be to do my best to find or make a better career for myself in my hometown. I just wanted to be happy wherever I ended up. But I'm not - yet.

If he can't accept me for who I am and what job I've got, then it may be the end of it. I suppose as my friend just said "you can make a baby with any man error, but life's too short to be miserable."

OP posts:
Flobbadobs · 26/09/2012 20:56

It really sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. My take is that as horrible as this is going to sound, he doesn't want children with you love. He wants the status and possesions and a partner he can show off as a high flying whatever. You've outgrown him.

Mypopcornface · 26/09/2012 21:12

You should move to this other city and try to get your career sorted, but who will looke after your mum? My exH always thought (and made sure I knew it), that he was better than me and in fact better than a lot of other people...but while criticising my career he would also undermine any chances I had for improvement. He wasn't supportive at all and it was all about him. I'm glad we didn't have children together, I wouldn't want my children's father looking down on their mother all the time...

expatinscotland · 26/09/2012 21:20

I think this relationship has run its course and you two want different things. I'd cut my losses right now and move on.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 21:24

My Mum and Dad live together, and she's got carers too so she's well looked after. I'm here to help out with the day to day things, plus I can't afford to live on my own and don't really want to. (If you can be bothered to scroll through my other posts I explain a bit more about living situation.)

If I move to the city I sacrifice my relationship. He's made that very clear. It's just a really difficult thing to do on my own, (was under the assumption for a while he wanted to join me!)

I certainly don't want to have kids someone who would look down on me, so I'm trying to establish whether or not this is simply a young man's immature freak-out, or if he genuinely is a selfish bastard.

He is lovely in other ways, this is the only thing we seem to clash on, but if it's too big to get over, I'll have to be more assertive.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2012 21:25

Yes, agree. Move on, and fulfill your own dreams and ambitions, like he is doing.

Mypopcornface · 26/09/2012 21:34

Many people move countries (eg come to England) on their own, whit out speaking the language and with little money - and even sometimes without proper documents- and they do achieve. But I guess one has to have an adventurous personality to do so.

AThingInYourLife · 26/09/2012 21:36

"If I move to the city I sacrifice my relationship. He's made that very clear."

Selfish bastard.

He's only interested in dating you if you do what he wants.

That ultimatum is no different from the one about getting a better job before you can move in with him.

Seriously, move to the city.

If he dumps you for that then you're better off without him.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 21:48

I used to be very adventurous Mypopcornface, I've travelled all over and tried a lot of different things. If I hadn't met DP I would be in the city I speak of already, because I went to uni there and when I graduated, was planning to live with friends. Met DP and came home because I thought we had something really special, after I'd sworn to myself I'd never fall for a local guy again. Feeling rather sad now thinking of the time I seem to have wasted and experiences I'll have missed out on. Sad

I don't regret getting into the relationship, I think I regret bending to his wishes when he didn't consider mine at all. Maybe this relationship has been dragged on for 3.5 years longer than it should have. Should have realised back then when he wanted me to come home after uni and not live with my friends. At the time he said something like "you're going to be living like a student again, when I thought you wanted to move on with your life." As it turns out I'm now with my parents so I've taken a further step back! It's awful. I feel terrible I've let myself get into this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 21:51

I was offered a job in China a few days ago by a friend who works there teaching English. I told DP and he laughed in my face saying "Go there then. Enjoy eating toads." I replied "Well I didn't really want to go that far anyway." I don't know what's happened to me. If I was single I would have got on the next plane!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 26/09/2012 21:54

I would say this relationship has run its' course. Which happens, because in the last 4 years both of you will have matured, your priorities in life will have changed, and you both want different things now.

It is better to end it now than get bogged down with a mortgage, and possibly a child too, only for you to then realise it is not want either of you want.

Mypopcornface · 26/09/2012 22:02

Make 2013 the year when you are taking back control of your life, reaching for your dreams and welcoming your old self back. Good now that you have more experience regarding men and relationship for the future. Now you know that for the father of your children you want someone supportive, who respect your choices and likes you the way you are.

SlightlySuperiorPeasant · 26/09/2012 22:03

Tough as it is, I'd be going down the route of doing what I wanted to do and leaving him out of my planning. Go to China/big city/wherever you like and be you, not an appendage to him.

I'm saying that as someone who married at 20 and did house, baby etc. by 22. I still have an excellent career :o

SoldeInvierno · 26/09/2012 22:03

Error, you are making the biggest mistake of your life by staying a minute longer with this guy. I am sure he's not a bad person, but he's holding you down. Fly away, go to China, London or wherever life takes you. You are only 26, for goodness sake. If you don't do it now, when are you going to do it? Most of us didn't have babies until we were almost 40, and by that time, you'll be really ready. Last thing you want is having a child now and then regretting all the things you can no longer do. Now is your chance!!

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 22:06

You could be right popcorn. I'm thinking of a particular lyric from the Feist song 'Let it Die'...

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

Just need to do a lot of soul searching I think, and figure out what I really want.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2012 22:10

He sounds like a patronizing ignorant pig!

MOVE ON!