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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with DP and feel led up the garden path!?

212 replies

ErrorError · 26/09/2012 13:51

Brief background: DP & I have been together 4 years, I'm on the implant and we had been discussing me getting it removed and TTC. All talks were going well...

Recently, he's been offered a new job which is about 50% more than what he's earning now, fabulous, I'm chuffed for him. But now he tells me he does not want to TTC because it will be a stressful time transitioning jobs. Plus, he's decided he wants a new computer and car first, and then maybe move house. He's also started putting other weird conditions on our relationship, e.g. apparently I need a better job (I work part-time) and me not trying for something better/full-time means I'm not as invested in our future.

AIBU to think that his excuses are complete bollocks, he is only interested in acquiring money and possessions, he may have not really wanted to TTC in the first place and was leading me on, and/or any job I get will never be good enough for him?

I am so close to giving up on the relationship, because I will not stand for emotional blackmail. I just need rational outside voices of reason to tell me whether or not this is a situation even worth resolving!

OP posts:
Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 14:32

The type of career I'm looking for is not really an option locally, which is why I wanted to move. then work & save before family (as explained above.) DP also knows that I would love to be a Mum (working from home or full time mum), so he convinced me not to move away by saying we could start a family. I am conflicted because I want both equally as much. I think I've over-compromised for him, and while he's built up his career, I have let mine take a back seat, and suddenly now his has got better, I'm not 'doing enough to contribute.' Starting to think he is just an arse.

OP posts:
oldraver · 26/09/2012 14:32

By move on I mean, spend a bit of time on yourself, look at how you hope to go on with your life. Nurture a career, just dont waste time on the me me man

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 26/09/2012 14:33

I dont think he is BU to insist you live together before ttc Confused

Proudnscary · 26/09/2012 14:33

I never understand threads where women say 'either he starts TTC with me/proposes to me' or it's over.

If you are considering such a huge commitment, how can you even think of the possibility of the relationship not working out? Confused

I'm not actually criticising you OP, I get your frustration, but do you see what I mean?

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 14:35

squeakytoy I only said he'd be paying most of the mortgage because the type of industry he's in, he will always earn more than me. I don't have a problem with going 50/50 on a mortgage if there were any jobs in my area for me that could enable me to do that.

OP posts:
lisaro · 26/09/2012 14:36

You're not living together, yet talking about TTC? Do you really think that's a good idea?
Are you sure you're just not railroading him into things he finds it hard to say no to? TBH it sounds like you want completely different things at this stage of your life you both either need to be alone or find someone who wants the things you do.

BeauNeidel · 26/09/2012 14:36

I think that he is moving goalposts because frankly, neither of you are any where near where you should be before you think about TTC.

I don't mean to sound harsh, really I don't, but if you don't even live together yet, surely the conversation should be about that first? FWIW, I had my first at 26, DH and I had also been together for around 4 years at that point. But, we had also been living together for almost four years, we had (and still have!) a mortgage and our lives were very much together.

Also, I think conversations about whether or not you want children is fine and dandy, but seriously talking about trying to conceive when you work part time and don't live with him, OF COURSE he feels like you are trying to push him into it and to supporting you without his consent. I'd imagine he's feeling a bit wary about the whole thing but doesn't want to hurt your feelings and outright tell you that.

squeakytoy · 26/09/2012 14:36

Well I still dont see why he should pay more just because you dont earn as much. Not pre-children anyway.

OneMoreChap · 26/09/2012 14:36

Sorry, way to early to be TTC if you're still living with respective parents.
I can see why you might want to get a house and so on first.

Might be useful for both of you to see how you cope living together, before you chuck a DC into the mix.

You've also got caring responsibilities for your Mum - mind, you seem to be happy enough to lose those, as you were considering moving to another place.

Why don't you go it alone a bit in the city - and see how you get on, home at weekends sort of thing.

oldraver · 26/09/2012 14:38

Big I hadn't read that when I posted but still stand by what I said. By moving on I dont mean rush to find another man, but OP has dreams she wants and this man isnt listening to that, its all about him or deflecting any decisions she tries to take. He has already kyboshed plans she had to further her carreer in another city and then complains the job she has to fit in with HIM, isant good enough.

It doesnt really bode well for a life together

SoldeInvierno · 26/09/2012 14:38

at 27, most men are not ready for babies yet. He's starting to see his career progress and understandibly, he wants to focus on that. Plenty of time for babies in a few year's time.

As for you, if you want a career, you might be wanting to do that same. You are very young, you don't even live with the guy and you are considering becoming dependent on him. No wonder he's getting cold feet.

Sallyingforth · 26/09/2012 14:39

I don't think that you should even think about TTC until you have settle into a place today, whether rented or bought.
Until then you don't know if you are really compatible with each other, let alone whether you are suited to be parents.

WilsonFrickett · 26/09/2012 14:40

Just supposing you got PG this month - what would happen next?
Where would you live?
On who's money?
How would your relationship work as you don't even live together now?

TBH, I don't think you're anywhere near ready to TTC. You don't live together, you have no shared home, you work pt - presumably DP's going to support you if you have a child? I think TTC in this situation is mad, and I'm not blaming your DP for wanting to wait. Sorry, it sounds like you have been led up the garden path to an extent, but were you planning to get PG and stay at your mum's, for example?

StrangeGlue · 26/09/2012 14:40

Hi OP, I can see why you're cross if you well you were talked out of a career with promises of kids but when its his career everything starts to take a back seat. Personally I think you shouldn't have kids with someone you haven't lived with and aren't 100% about. Having kids makes things much harder and once you have them and possibly a mortgage its much harder if things go tits up.

I'm only a couple of year older than you but I've got a good career, bought a house, travelled a little and I certainly have days where married with a baby makes me feel so old and like I wasted my youth.

Anyway, what my ramble is meant to convey is from what you've said I think maybe the relatiobship has run its course and if not you should definitely live together before having kids.

Say, fine I'll get a better job, the one I wanted when you talked me into staying here with the promise of kids.

oldraver · 26/09/2012 14:40

And yes, in light of the latest of OP's posts I think TTC while living with living your parents is a bit jumping the gun

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 14:40

The issue isn't really about living together, we were going to do that anyway before DC. I'm just annoyed at all the false promises and delaying tactics he's using. I don't want to move in with someone who isn't clear about what he wants. It would be awful if I invested money in a house with him, for him to say he doesn't want kids ever, for example. I think with him there'll always be something more important. Cars, computers, whatever. There will never be 'the right time' to have kids with this man. Sad

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 26/09/2012 14:42

I don't think he can know what he wants until he lives with you and sees if he wants to make a lifelong commitment to you in the form of shared children. I think he's pretty sensible actually.

StrangeGlue · 26/09/2012 14:44

I think Wilson is right.

Is there a reason you want kids right now?

OneMoreChap · 26/09/2012 14:48

ErrorError Wed 26-Sep-12 14:40:59
There will never be 'the right time' to have kids with this man.

Job done then.
Move on, get your job, get your place, make your money and get a relationship with someone who you can feel equal with and who shares your aspiration... maybe he'll want to be a SAHD while you develop your career?

ChaoticismyLife · 26/09/2012 14:51

So basically you were happy to move to further your career. He stopped this by dangling the carrot of a family, if you stayed local, and now he's moving the goal posts Hmm

Move to the city OP, advance your career and put yourself into a strong financial position. If he complains about you moving point out that you need to move for your career and that he can't have it both ways.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 14:52

He lived with me for a year, he moved out when he got job A and wanted me to live with him when settled, but later got made redundant from job A and moved in with his Dad, and by then I had already moved back with my parents to help with Mum. DP got job B, but still didn't want to move out yet. Now he's been offered job C and wants his own house, wants me to get a better job, and those are the conditions he has put on me in order to be able to live with him. He promised me house/kids if I stayed in our town when he knew I wanted to further my career first. But being with him seemed more important to me. I sort of wish I had just moved now.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 26/09/2012 14:55

Honestly, I think there is a number of things going on here, but fundamentally Wilson is right; he doesn't really know what he wants. His life is fine right now, good job, girlfriend, easy living at home and the ability to spend what he likes. The concept of a family etc probably sounds fine, but he's thinking "sometime in the future probably" and you seem to be thinking "now!" I don't think he's deliberately changing goalposts, but tbh he doesn't seem to be thinking much about the long term really, and at 27 that's not overly surprising.

One way forward would be to try and have a serious conversation about actually moving in together. You don't need to buy, rent together for a bit. If he's reluctant to do that, then I think you have to take that as a sign that you are far more invested in this relationship than he is.

Original poster
ErrorError · 26/09/2012 14:55

strangeglue I want kids and a career. Preferably the career was going to be first. But because DP knew I wanted DC so much, he offered that as an alternative because he didn't want me to move away. Said I could get an 'ordinary' job and have the family I always wanted. I love him and loved the idea of a family, so the only thing in the way was getting the house. Now he's saying I have to have a better job or I won't be able to contribute to the house and he can't live with someone who's 'not trying for our future'. That would make anyone mad, I hope most people agree!

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 26/09/2012 14:56

I'd move now anyway. Get on with your life. Certainly, change the dynamic in your relationship.

ChaoticismyLife · 26/09/2012 14:59

He promised me house/kids if I stayed in our town when he knew I wanted to further my career first. But being with him seemed more important to me. I sort of wish I had just moved now.

Then move now, it isn't too late. You could further your career and possibly meet someone who wants the same things as you at the same time as you.