to not want to spend half the day in the AN clinic on Friday when it would have been my DD's seventh birthday that day?

[confuddledDOTcom]

Really not looking forward to it! I've had the appointment a few weeks but it didn't occur to me what the date was until we were discussing plans for the weekend.

Last night I emailed the SoM who has helped me with a few things and asked if she can arrange somehow to get me pushed through because it's a high risk clinic it means a half day appointment, they're bad enough at the best of times but it's really not a day we want to be hanging around there. As it's a high risk clinic it's only held monthly as non-obstetric doctors come from another hospital.

I'm getting a little twitchy because I've had no "away" message but she's not responded yet, I'd have thought with something this sensitive she could have at least sent me a reply and said "let me see what I can do" even if she needs time to work things out. I just want to know that I'm not going to have to sit around there. OH's hoping to get out early too, even though he's coming with me, so we can take the girls to visit their sister.

So what do you think - should I just put up with three hours there on that date, am I being too twitchy about a reply?

[NOTE FROM MNHQ: Please note that we have changed the thread title of this thread - which may mean that some of the following posts do not make complete sense, as they are referring to the previous, no-longer-visible version of the title. Apologies for all the confusion, and best of luck to the OP in getting the appointment situation sorted out. Thanks, MNHQ]

I guess we could be taking them to see them at the people she lived with, but I should imagine that if one of your children doesn't live with you their birthday could be difficult. As everyone has said, birthdays are happy times not sensitive occasions to be getting in touch with the SoM because you can't handle being in hospital for.

I'm sorry I didn't fully explain that, I thought I had but obviously I'm feeling a little stressed.

That aside, I do hope you don't have to spend too long waiting around on friday. This is obviously a very difficult time for you.

ConfuddledDOTcom, I'm sorry that your DD died. I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect people to infer that she is dead though, from your posts. Nowhere did you mention that she had died, or that it was the anniversary of her death, rather than being the birthday of your living child, which would imply that they would be at school. Nowhere did you mention what made your circumstances 'this sensitive'.

Even with all of that said, I don't think you can expect a monthly clinic to guarantee you quick passage for something that isn't critical, and even if you spend 3 hours at the hospital, you'll have another 9 to visit your DD's resting place.

Also, to be honest, I'm not sure it's common usage to refer to someone's 'birthday' if they have died. I'm not saying you are unreasonable to do so, but that in doing so, you have to accept that unless you explain otherwise the assumption will be that she is alive.

May be she can't promise anything and doesn't want to get your hopes up?

Think best bet would be to get there easily as possible and state to the people running the clinic that its an incredibly upsetting day for you and you want to get away as soon as possible to visit your DD grave and can they please this once help you - or try and get someone to go with you who can explain for you.

Did you explain why the day was upsetting to your SoM? If not what seems obvious to you she might not have remembered?

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry that your DD passed away. I can't even imagine how tough her birthday is in light of that.

That said, it was a bit silly not to mention that in the OP if you wanted balanced opinions. Of course people were going to react how they did without that crucial piece of information.

I hope the clinic is able to accomodate you, but I (fortunately) have no high-risk experience so I don't know how easy this will be for them.

Second what Cassandra said and sincerely sorry for your loss

Confuddled: very sorry for your loss. other posters have already explained how they found your original post unclear so I shan't go over that, BUT: did you make it clear in the email to the SoM [dont know what that is, sorry] that what you meant was that it was the birthday of your daughter who sadly died and that it was difficult for you to spend all that time in the hospital on that day rather than with your family? If you emailed her in similar terms as your OP I'm afraid she really wouldn't have had the first idea that you were talking about a daughter who died so wouldn't realise at all why it was a sensitive request.

I've just deleted the post I started - not for the first time I'm reminded how useful it is to read the whole thread first. Because the OP really didn't give me any idea about the sadness of the situation and I was dangerously close to accusing you of being rather precious. Which of course you aren't.

I'm very sorry for your loss and can see why this particular day has such significance. Clearly, you would prefer to spend it elsewhere and I hope that your wishes can be realised. Although I do also hope that your email was quite clear as to why.

OP - your first post really didn't make clear what the exact issue was so please don't be hard on the posters who were responding to the situation as they read it.

That said - of course yanbu to want to limit your exposure to the hospital on such a distressing day. I think you may be a little bit unreasonable to expect a quick response from the SoM though. It may be something she needs to chat about with the staff actually running the clinic and that will take a few days. If you e-mailed last night it's possible she hasn't seen it yet - she could be off sick or on a training course/meeting all day which means no time for e-mails. Give her a bit longer then follow up with a phone call.

Lougle - a birthday is a birthday is a birthday. I am planning to prepare some flowers for a friend's daughter's birthday next month. She died in utero and they have since moved away overseas so I am going to take flowers to her grave for her birthday. It's the only day she has. I am sure you can understand why 'birthday' is still used in such circumstances. It's for marking the day she was born.

Sorry. I meant to say in that first bit that posters also should cut the OP some slack and she's clearly stressed to the max! I think I thought that but didn't type it!

It is very sad for you if you have to be late or miss your visit to the cemetery but has it occurred to you that you might not be the only one in that boat? there might well be another one or two who also have reason not to spend 3 hours waiting and need to get away quickly.

The other thing I can think of is that maybe you could wait elsewhere in the hospital? Perhaps the chapel. Then you can use the time to think about your daughter at least, without all the distractions of the clinic environment.

I must apologise, I had posted elsewhere where it was obvious from context then decided to post on MN too and forgot that the context was changing. I wasn't deliberately being awkward.

My daughter died the day after she was born, she was born at 19+6 and lived 3 hours. Friday is her birthday, Saturday is her angelversary.

I'm not in a rush to get to the cemetery, it's nothing to do with getting there - which may not be possible anyway as it's a clay cemetery and not easily accessible in bad weather (yes, did make the funeral interesting). It's about being in a very stressful situation on a stressful day and if you haven't buried a child, then try multiplying the most stressful situation you have been in by 100 and put yourself in the most stressful times 100 place. I'm not going to sit around thinking about her, I don't need time to reflect, I need to not be sat for hours in the place she died on her birthday.

There may be others in the same situation but the day will go wait for US, wait for MWA, wait for doctor, wait for blood test, queue for appointment, wait for prescription. In all it's about half an hour to 45 min of seeing people and 3 hours at least of waiting. Anyone else in a similar situation is welcome to ask to be pushed through too and I'm sure that with 5 scans, 2 MWA rooms and 5 doctor rooms that they can manage to push through anyone who is there on a sensitive day. Especially as being a high risk clinic they should be used to angel-parents coming through. I see the hospital weekly (not for this clinic) through pregnancy, I average about 30 visits not including stays and deliver in the low 30 weeks, this is/ will be LC #4 and this is the only time I've ever asked them to help me in what will be in excess of 120 visits.

Bintang - SoM is a Supervisor of Midwives, they're specially trained midwives who help parents and staff with different things and have a midwifery focus rather than a trust focus. She's helped me with other issues in the past, debriefing my first birth, helping me achieve a VBAC last time and helping with a complaint.

RillaBlythe - I'm pretty sure that the hospital can deal with one doctor not being there when they have 20 running the clinic.

Mrsjay - that's OK, I wasn't upset, just confused because as I said I'd forgotten the context changed.

Lougle - have you ever lost anyone? Do only remember their anniversary and never their birthday? Have you lost a child? Please do tell me the correct way to remember mine because obviously I'm doing it wrong somewhere.

CassandraApprentice - I thought that too but I would just have liked a "let me see what I can do" rather than no answer.

Secondsop - I know this SoM well now and she debriefed her birth so she knows the situation, I was specific. Something that MN doesn't seem to believe is that you don't give as much information here as you do IRL.

Northernlurkerisbackatwork - thank you. I'm just feeling twitchy I suppose. I have a habit of emailing people later in the day because if they're not around next day you generally get an away message, so because I didn't I assumed she'd read it today. I'm not really a chapel person and as I don't have an appointment (which is the problem, it's turn up and wait around) it wouldn't really work to not be there waiting.

Two other things I can think of - and neither's great tbh but anyway:

Could you see the specific doctor who's doing the outreach clinic at tehir usual hospital? I know that would mean you travelling further and so on but might on this occasion be a way to see that specialist on a different day. Presumably your obstetrician is keeping up with your case through your regular clinic attendances so could discuss any issues they have with the specialist on the da of the clinic, priming them to see you at a slightly later date? U/S etc could all be done on another day if there's the will to rearrange iyswim.

The other thing is about making waiting bearable or possible if you do need to attend that day. Do you have an ipod or similar - could you make a playlist long enough so that you don't have to listen to any of the hospital noise except when actually being seen? Or maybe take an audio CD or three and a portable player with you? Might help you remove yourself? The other thing is smell. Hospitals smell, everybody says so and it's very triggering for people. The only thing I can suggest is to take something with you with a very distinct and comforting smell and try and focus on that. If nothing else take some strongly flavoured sweets with you and eat those. May help a little?

Hi confuddled I'm sorry for your loss.

Friday is ds4s 1st birthday, and the 1st anniversary of his death. He was also born at 19 +6 due to incompetant cervix.

It's awful having to be at the hospital on important dates such as this, my post natal fell on the day my csection was booked. I hope they are able to rush you through and that Friday is peaceful for you.

Also good luck with the pg, I'm currently 20 weeks into a high risk pg and the anxiety is indescribable x

Ah, now it all becomes clear!

Yes- I can see why you'd be upset and stressed about being stuck in an ANClinic all day.

I hope they can help somehow, and I'm very sorry about your daughter I do hope you can mark her birthday together as you wanted.

I'm sorry about your son too moomin

I understand why you would not want to spend half a day in hospital on your DD's birthday.

I have friends who have been induced to avoid giving birth on their deceased child's birthday or anniversary.

It really is that hard for many bereaved parents.

I hope the MW gets back to you soon.

No, Confuddled, I haven't lost a child. I think I made it clear in my post that I didn't think you wrong to call it a birthday, but that birthday is commonly used with people who are living, and in the absence of explanation, it's natural to presume that the child you referred to was alive.

I hope you can sort it out to your satisfaction.

Northernlurkerisbackatwork - this is my first clinic appointment, I had booking in with someone else and silly season (as I like to call it) will likely start now I'll probably start the weekly scans from next week. My appointment will be with the FMT consultant or someone in her team and my rhuemie consultant or someone in her team, going to their clinic (which is so close some people confuse the two hospitals) wouldn't be difficult but seeing both teams together would be, plus there's all the other stuff they need to do. I was shoe-horned into the books because they'd already closed them to new admissions but no other hospital in the area is equipped to deal with my needs so it's going to be quite busy for the obstetric team. I'll have my OH with me so I can't really do too much on my own and I know he'll be more jittery than me! (He still blames himself that he should have been able to do something - because he's the man and it's his job to protect us even if it was totally about my body going wrong) So I'm going to need to look after him.

Moominsarescary, funny the similarities I get tested for IC each time, not sure why any more because it was obvious then I didn't have it and I've been pregnant 3 times since but I take all they can throw at me because I want to be reassured, I've gone 5 weeks without a scan which is the longest ever and it's the strangest feeling. My second LC was about a week in front of my angelbaby 4 years later so I had all the parallels going on. My first LC is an Irish twin and in the same school year she should have been in so we have all the milestones being met sort of by the wrong child. I think people underestimate how hard it is to do it all over again.

Thank you MrsD I remember thinking that if I managed to not be premature (which having been in labour since 23 weeks was unlikely) I didn't want to go over and have LC2 on her birthday, I was glad for the prematurity keeping her away from that date.

Lougle, what else should it be if not her birthday? It is the day she was born.

I'm so sorry confuddled.
I hope they can accommodate you, I know fro past experience it is to go back o the same hospital after a loss' I would have really struggled on a birthday/anniversary etc.
Congratulations on your pregnancy

Oh, you are not being at all unreasonable to not wish to be in the hospital on your daughter's birthday.

Do you have a phone number for the SOM? Or for the clinic itself?

I don't know how easy it might be for them to reschedule your appointment, but they might get a cancellation and be able to fit you in, so it might be worth calling them directly.

If you ask MNHQ, they will change the thread title and OP so that you won't be asked the same question again and again due to people only reading the OP.

Won't you soon to be 7 year old be in school most of the day, anyhow?