Is this unfair of me?

[rhondajean]

I told dd1 she could arrange to have a friend over or do something this afternoon(shes 12) but when she phoned yesterday everyone was busy.

W need food shopping today. DH is working and she helps me pack/load/unload the car when he is. As she wasn't busy, I've had a slow start to the day and am about to get lunch then get ready to go out for it with her and dd2 who was 8 last week.

Her friends just called on her way home and wants her to go out in half an hour. I said no, sorry, unfortunately what we have now arranged to do doesn't fit in with her friends changed plans.

She is furious. I've had the whole lot - she is caged in and never has anything to do, etc, etc, dd2 can help carry the shopping (she does but she's 8!) blah blah blah.

I'm wondering if I'm wrong saying she can't go - she knew we had to go shopping and wasn't in a rush until the phone call. I pointed out to her she eats more than as much as the rest of us so it's not unfair to ask her to help get the food. She's said she just won't eat this week then! Am tempted to take her up - think of the saving

I would have gone this morning if she had told me she had plans...am I now being unfair?

YABU I really don't get why going shopping requires 2 people :s

Picking up on an earlier point, online shopping isn't just good for a 'tins and packets shop'

Not the point though. OP had a deal with her DD - who has already been paid and DD was rude to her mum and hassling her when she was on the loo!

If she knows the family arrangement is that when dad isn't there she has to help with shopping then she and she has already been paid for it then she needs to work on her negotiation skills

Choco - I think you're the only one who's got what I was saying!

I'm wondering if it's the activity that's wound everyone up so much, because they think it's a mummy job I should be doing alone. Would the reactions be the same if it was say, tidying her own room or some other activity?

It's really a minor incident chez rj - but I did feel slightly bad ( thus then joking tones of my posts). I will think over what you all said, but I do feel that a commitment is a commitment and letting children not carry them out can be teaching dangerous life lessons, and as I've pointed about repeatedly the change to today's schedule was to suit her as well as me.

Thank you to everyone for posting - I promise I will think about it - except for socknickings utterly ludicrous post. Thanks especially to those who gave constructive advice - including ruby who erm advised me to do what I had already done!

If your supermarkets are 24 hour, then could you not have gone shopping after she'd seen her friend? I assumed you were having to get the shopping done before the shops closed early, with it being Sunday.

Still think you're gonna have a hell of a shock to the system come the true teenage years

Looks like I'm in the minority, but I'm totally with you OP. You haven't changed any boundaries that I can see. She had the choice of going out today initially, but knew that shopping would have to feature in the day at some point. When her friends were all busy, the two of you agreed to go this afternoon and enjoy a leisurely morning. Then she gets a last minute offer from her friend and she wants to change the boundaries. That she agreed to!

Whether you need or want her help with the shopping is irrelevant, she needs to learn to stick with commitments that she's made. Who it's with and what it is doesn't matter. If you agree to do something, you should follow through. Dropping her off after the shopping is a good way of teaching her that, without her feeling like she's missing out too much. Although tbh if she'd shouted at me, she wouldn't have been going anywhere for a week But then I'm a bit of a dragon I get it from my mum who was very strict with me, and I'm grateful for it.

Disclaimer - my 2 are both under 3 so I may have a different response in 10 years

Stunt - that's why I'm king for advice now

Right - see you all in £150 quids time

It's not a mummy job that you should be doing alone, it's a job that one able-bodied adult can usually manage alone. If it had been tidying her room, then she could have still done that later, after meeting her friend. You can have responsibility, with a bit of flexibility.

Oh for pity's sake "dangerous life lessons" have you heard yourself? It's the weekly shop which any man OR woman can usually do alone. Your DD had a strop because she wanted to go and do something fun instead. Sling her in borstal, it's the only solution.

Dangerous life lessons.

I've never paid my DSes to do chores. I, also,have had quite an easy passage through the teenage years. We have had very few stand up , shouty rows and they are polite, helpful, pleasant young men. They offer their help more often than not.

My motto has always been pick my battles. There is absolutely no way I would have made them come shopping in your situation today, Rhonda.

Yes, sorry but did Lol out with dangerous life lessons.

Absolutely nothing to do with it being a "mummy job" ffs. It's to do with it being a one person job. That could've waited. I assume you have a freezer. Or could order a pizza for tea?

It's also about you trying to assert your authority, for the sake of it, in a situation where your dd was not at fault. You are going to be exhausted by the time she's 16 if you insist on having the last word, just because you're the parent.

Absolutely, mucked in, picked my battles and give and take.

I love it when Parents of toddlers give advice to parents of teens!

For the record mine are nearly 18 and nearly 16 and I see absolutely no benefit in being a dragon. Respect is a two way street, and you reap what you sow with teens!

I'm wondering if it's the activity that's wound everyone up so much, because they think it's a mummy job I should be doing alone. Would the reactions be the same if it was say, tidying her own room or some other activity?

It's not a 'Mummy' job but it's a job that can quite simply be done by an adult with a car and an 8yr old child to help.

Why do you not see bunging a few bags in the boot of a car and unpacking at the other end, as age appropriate for an 8yr old?

A bit late now since you have left, but could you not have agreed she could see her friends, but be back in time to put the shopping away? Or leave her a few bags in the boot of the car with just tins/ jars/ non perishables in, that she could bring in to the house on her return?
That way she helps with the bags and putting away, and see's her friends? Win - Win?
Just a thought for next time.

Pick your battles, OP.... draw lines when there is a good reason, one which a teenager or child will see, eventually, when they calm down.

If it is the pointless exercise of power - they will see that too, and IME it just makes them more resentful and disobedient.

I'd let her go