Is this unfair of me?

[rhondajean]

I told dd1 she could arrange to have a friend over or do something this afternoon(shes 12) but when she phoned yesterday everyone was busy.

W need food shopping today. DH is working and she helps me pack/load/unload the car when he is. As she wasn't busy, I've had a slow start to the day and am about to get lunch then get ready to go out for it with her and dd2 who was 8 last week.

Her friends just called on her way home and wants her to go out in half an hour. I said no, sorry, unfortunately what we have now arranged to do doesn't fit in with her friends changed plans.

She is furious. I've had the whole lot - she is caged in and never has anything to do, etc, etc, dd2 can help carry the shopping (she does but she's 8!) blah blah blah.

I'm wondering if I'm wrong saying she can't go - she knew we had to go shopping and wasn't in a rush until the phone call. I pointed out to her she eats more than as much as the rest of us so it's not unfair to ask her to help get the food. She's said she just won't eat this week then! Am tempted to take her up - think of the saving

I would have gone this morning if she had told me she had plans...am I now being unfair?

[SoupDragon]

Why did you bother asking if you think you were perfectly reasonable?

[RubyFakeNails]

My teens are older now, but I think if I want to teach them something, particularly when I'm just introducing the lesson I make it very clear.

I don't think that you can suddenly decide your using something to teach her responsibility just because its convenient to you as that smacks of teaching her a lesson or just being a misery/bitter.

If I wanted to teach her about responsibility I would pick something specific e.g the home, sit down and say "I would like some help with the home, its a lot of work, you're not a baby anymore you need to pitch in, i want us to pick something (such as the shopping) and you commit to helping with it, even if other things come up". You set out the boundaries early on, you let her know in the beginning if she commits to it she must follow through (I would personally still then maybe allow her to forgo it if things like a birthday or something that was important to her came up) even when she doesn't feel like it. So yes I may battle her over fulfilling something she agreed to commit to, but I certainly wouldn't do what you've done this weekend where you have moved the boundaries without informing her.

[Numberlock]

Why's it not helpful? On the one hand this shopping is so important yet the supermarkets shut in an hour and a half and its not even been started...

[rhondajean]

Choco - I've been doing a bit of work lately with older teens who are leaving school and directionless, have no sense of routine, motivation, unable to take care of themselves. I'm really keen not to produce children like that.

I've taken on board the comments here - can I clarify again that the change to shopping this afternoon was not me making an order but an agreement between the three of us to watch tv this morning and go later, as dd last night told me she WOULDNt be going shopping this morning. She then decided that a better offer had come up last minute.

I will also consider deeply whether in future I should be less concerned about her ability to stick to agreements (albeit flexible, but agreed to suit her) or speak civilly to me.

Can I also point out that she is still TWELVE and not 15, needs boundaries etc set for her.

[StuntGirl]

I think it's obvious you don't need her to help with the shopping, you want her to help. I assume from everything you've written it's because you want to instill some kind of responsibility and impress the 'family as a team' thing. That's admirable, and I don't think anyone here would say otherwise. But accept it's want rather than need; if you said that instead of insisting you need her then most posters wouldn't have got on your back over that point.

You also need to start paying her after she's done her task. That's just common sense, it would stop this and future similar issues and is actually how life works in the adult world too - you don't get paid before going completeing your responsibilities at work do you?

If you make every tiny thing like this this much of a battle you have got some long years ahead of you.

I still don't agree with your pov but I respect that you've actually stopped and asked for advice and are considering a change in response in future.

[chocoluvva]

Because it's done now and anyway the OP has said she's going to do a massive shop and she's been eating her lunch while posting.

[chocoluvva]

The massive shop will take longer.

[hackmum]

Well, that's pretty unanimous. Seriously, since when was supermarket shopping such an onerous task you needed someone to help you do it? Personally I find it much easier to do it on my own without a child trying to sneak chocolate eclairs into the trolley when I'm not looking. I'd let her go out with her friend. She hasn't done anything wrong.

[Socknickingpixie]

op do you realise having outlooks like that send daft messages to our girls are that females are helpless and cant possibly perform simple tasks unaided.

[rhondajean]

Ruby - we have done that! The agreement is she loads and unloads dishwasher, puts recycling out, and helps with the shopping. I didn't spring this on her this morning - its been our system for over a year. I changed the time we were going today as NONE of us wanted to rush out tis morning.

Our supermarkets are 24 hours number lock.

[WorraLiberty]

She does need boundaries you're right.

But she probably thinks your being totally inflexible and unreasonable not to allow her change her plans - because with a car and an 8yr old you certainly don't need her help.

[Eliza22]

You ought to have let her see her friend. I believe kids, even at 8 should have some responsibilities and chores. Food shopping in the absence of her dad isn't one of them.

[rhondajean]

Sock - it would make no difference to me if she was a DS rather than a dd.

[Numberlock]

A massive shop, even bigger than a Peter Kay big shop lol.

[rhondajean]

[rhondajean]

The 8 year old does have tasks too. Age appropriate ones.

[Mylittlepuds]

Aww I think you should have let her go - you'd said she could do something. In her head this will be massively unjust.

[neverthoughtinamillionyears]

You say she needs to gain some perspective; we say you do

[Littleprincessrocks]

Let her go out with her mates, just buy enough to last you a few days then do an online shop.
Let her enjoy herself, she already does chores around the house.
You seem to be punishing her when she has done nothing wrong other than have friends who are last minute planners.

[PuppyMonkey]

Obviously on this occasion, yanbu as you've decided yanbu, but for future future reference and if the same situation crops up again yabu. Hope this helps.

Life is all about better offers cropping up and changing plans at the last minute. Be flexible and live a little fgs.

[chocoluvva]

It's not unanimous!
See post about sticking to your guns and being rewarded for it in time to come.