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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this unfair of me?

182 replies

rhondajean · 23/09/2012 13:25

I told dd1 she could arrange to have a friend over or do something this afternoon(shes 12) but when she phoned yesterday everyone was busy.

W need food shopping today. DH is working and she helps me pack/load/unload the car when he is. As she wasn't busy, I've had a slow start to the day and am about to get lunch then get ready to go out for it with her and dd2 who was 8 last week.

Her friends just called on her way home and wants her to go out in half an hour. I said no, sorry, unfortunately what we have now arranged to do doesn't fit in with her friends changed plans.

She is furious. I've had the whole lot - she is caged in and never has anything to do, etc, etc, dd2 can help carry the shopping (she does but she's 8!) blah blah blah.

I'm wondering if I'm wrong saying she can't go - she knew we had to go shopping and wasn't in a rush until the phone call. I pointed out to her she eats more than as much as the rest of us so it's not unfair to ask her to help get the food. She's said she just won't eat this week then! Am tempted to take her up - think of the saving Grin

I would have gone this morning if she had told me she had plans...am I now being unfair?

OP posts:
Tuttutitlookslikerain · 23/09/2012 13:46

I'd have let her go.

I don't understand why grocery shopping is a two person job either. It is for me, but I am disabled, but surely an able bodied person and an 8 year old can do a one week grocery shop together?

THETrills · 23/09/2012 13:47

It's just the weekly shop. Not a "day out". Is there something that you're not telling us to explain why you can't handle it? Do you have 17 dogs and need to get a trolley worth of dog food as well as human food? Do you live on an island and need to get a month's worth of food?

Original poster
rhondajean · 23/09/2012 13:48

I know...

I do feel a bit bad now.

( do I get a bit of sympathy if I explain I was in the toilet and she came and started shouting at me thorough the door about it?)

It's bank holiday weekend here so they have the full day tomorrow to arrange to do something too!

OP posts:
Tuttutitlookslikerain · 23/09/2012 13:48

So if she was on Friday to do it today, why were you allowing her to make plans for today, yesterday IYSWIM ?

Somuchforhope · 23/09/2012 13:48

Try Ocado, their food is fresh and they give you the use by days on all their products on the receipt

Your reason not to let your DD out don't stack up, sorry

NorksAreMessy · 23/09/2012 13:48

rhonda I don't think anything we say will change your mind. Don't know why you are asking for opinions when you are quite sure that you are not BU

For the record, though, YABU.

Melindaaa · 23/09/2012 13:48

You can't manage a weekly shop alone without the help of a 12 year old? Are you serious? I manage a weekly shop for a family of seven with only two 2 year olds to 'help'.

You are being ridiculous and mean, and if you honestly think it is reasonable to expect her to forego an afternoon with her friends to assist you traipsing around a supermarket, then I anticipate a fairly awful few teenage years ahead of you.

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 23/09/2012 13:49

paid on Friday I mean!

ScooseIsLoose · 23/09/2012 13:49

Why ask for opinions then if you have already made up your mind?

halcyondays · 23/09/2012 13:49

Yabu. You have a car, so surely you don't need her to help. Plenty of people do a week's shopping and load it into a car by themselves.

Softlysoftly · 23/09/2012 13:49

Why post? You clearly don't think YABU you don't want to canvass opinion or change your mind even though evrtyone is on your daughters side.

Original poster
rhondajean · 23/09/2012 13:50

Sorry I didn't mean to drip feed.

We have arrangement where she gets x amount for doing y tasks.

Y tasks very rarely happen.

It's not really material to the whole thing - just another exasperation of mines!

OP posts:
THETrills · 23/09/2012 13:50

Tuttu - if the DD had made plans for this afternoon then they would have done the shopping this morning, so she still would have helped.

usualsuspect3 · 23/09/2012 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tuttutitlookslikerain · 23/09/2012 13:52

Ah, I see. I still think the OP is being unfair!

nbee84 · 23/09/2012 13:52

Well.... I think now that you've said it and she has had a full on strop it would give out the wrong signals to give in fully now. What I would say is;

"Sorry I snapped at you, but shouting at me through the toilet door is not the nicest way to ask for something. If you come and help with the shopping in the supermarket I will drop you at your friends on the way home and your sister will help me unload"

Original poster
rhondajean · 23/09/2012 13:53

Ocado don't deliver here.

I'm interested in how other people would have seen it.

Yes I have made up my mind this time in that I have said what's happening but I might just do differently next time.

It's not really up to anyone else to decide if I do or do not need help with the shopping to be honest. Fact is, our arrangement is she helps if DH is working.

OP posts:
THETrills · 23/09/2012 13:53

I agree with nbee. That's a nice compromise.

OHforDUCKScake · 23/09/2012 13:53

Yabu. No one needs help shopping, unless you have something wrong with your back etc. Its a simple case of food into trolley, onto check out, into car, into house.

If you pay her, Im pretty sure she'd forfit her payment so see friends.

And why ask iyabu if you later say you dont think yabu when everyone feeks you have?

Is it too late for her to go?

StuntGirl · 23/09/2012 13:53

Well since you don't care if yabu or not why ask?

Fwiw I also think you were unreasonable. Your original offer of seeing her friends did not include the caveat "as long as you help with the shopping" so I can see why she now feels its unfair to be punished for what she probably sees as two seperate events. Next time perhaps your communication should be clearer.

THETrills · 23/09/2012 13:53

It's not really up to anyone else to decide if I do or do not need help with the shopping

You asked us if you were being unreasonable.

Numberlock · 23/09/2012 13:53

You were the one who originally suggested she do something with a friend today!!! How were you planning to shop then?

Christ, my weekly shop is for me and 3 teenage boys and I don't need a team of helpers!

And you say you hate parenting teenagers? Is this the worst you've had to deal with?

akaemmafrost · 23/09/2012 13:54

I'd make it happen for her.

Olbasoil · 23/09/2012 13:55

Why do you need help with the shopping ? You have a car, shops have trollies, maybe you live on the top floor of a high rise with a broken lift........ ponders and decides it's not my business Grin

Original poster
rhondajean · 23/09/2012 13:55

Nbee -I'm happy to do that, I see that as a reasonable way forward.

I don't think I've explained myself clearly.

Yesterday she tried to arrange something for this afternoon but couldn't. She has always known we were shopping today.

We would have gone this morning but she told me she was definitely not going pt and would help this afternoon. Till a better offer came up at half an hours notice. She wanted to stay in pjs and watch tv this morning. Which I let her do.

OP posts: