Is this unfair of me?

[rhondajean]

I told dd1 she could arrange to have a friend over or do something this afternoon(shes 12) but when she phoned yesterday everyone was busy.

W need food shopping today. DH is working and she helps me pack/load/unload the car when he is. As she wasn't busy, I've had a slow start to the day and am about to get lunch then get ready to go out for it with her and dd2 who was 8 last week.

Her friends just called on her way home and wants her to go out in half an hour. I said no, sorry, unfortunately what we have now arranged to do doesn't fit in with her friends changed plans.

She is furious. I've had the whole lot - she is caged in and never has anything to do, etc, etc, dd2 can help carry the shopping (she does but she's 8!) blah blah blah.

I'm wondering if I'm wrong saying she can't go - she knew we had to go shopping and wasn't in a rush until the phone call. I pointed out to her she eats more than as much as the rest of us so it's not unfair to ask her to help get the food. She's said she just won't eat this week then! Am tempted to take her up - think of the saving

I would have gone this morning if she had told me she had plans...am I now being unfair?

[halcyondays]

I'm all for giving kids responsibilities, but she's only 12, she has the rest of her life to worry about all the things we adults have to worry about. She may have to turn down social opportunities because she has to work, or because she can't get a babysitter, have the running of a house and finances to organise. Let her have a bit of fun and spontaneity while she's still a child.

[Viviennemary]

I'd let her go. It does seem a bit unfair not to. It does sound a bit feeble not to be able to unpack shopping on your own. I hate unpacking shopping and will do anything to get out of it but I can do it and so can you. Why can't your eight year old help.

[seeker]

And paying for helping in the house is a bad move. You help because you live in a community, not because you are paid.

In this case, I would have said that she could go out, but ask what she was going to do instead of helping th the shopping.

[destructogirl]

I'm joining the minority. Totally agree with what davina said.
Hope she's helping you now and not sulking all round the shop

[JeezyOrangePips]

Op, what would you have done if the roles were reversed?

If you had planned to go shopping with the children, but one of your friends came over for a cuppa?

If you can honestly say you would have told the friend she had to leave as you were going shopping then YANBU.

If you would have changed your plans and gone shopping a bit later than YABVVVU.

[BlueSkySinking]

I would have let her go but she would have to ask nicely.

[BlueSkySinking]

Is she can't ask nicely then she can't go. If she has been rude then she can't go.

8 year old can help lots and your eldest could do a chore for you later once she is back

[Davinaaddict]

Firstly my dragon comment was a flippant one . And it was more in reference to me (and my mum) being strict, and consistently so. I'm grateful to her because she brought me up to have good manners, understanding of responsibility and respect, and to not renegade on my word. And who said anything about lack of respect? Just because I'm strict, doesn't mean I'm disrespectful

My MIL thinks I'm too strict because I insist on my nearly 3 year old saying please and thank you, don't let him jump on sofas or play too roughly inside, and I make him clear up his toys when it's time to go to bed. But then DH says it appears she's forgotten how to be a parent as opposed to a GP, as he would never have been allowed together away with the behaviours she lets the GC get away with. But that's fine - I get that GParenting is very different to parenting. However I have to be consistent in my approach, wherever we are.

And actually I wasn't giving any advice All I did was agree with the OP and give my point of view. But then my opinion clearly doesn't matter, as I'm not a parent of a teen

[squeakytoy]

I would say YABU, any able bodied adult should be able to do a large shop on their own.

[HildaOgden]

I'd have let her go,but made her trade her shopping 'chore' for some other chore instead.

I hate shopping with the kids,they keep distracting me and it always ends up costing more :-(

[bonnieslilsister]

However, last year DD was supposed to do 2hrs of X if she wanted to go to a sleepover. She did some but not 2 hours so I let her go for the evening but not to sleepover

chocco you sound fun to live with

[bonnieslilsister]

Oh and op yabvvvvu

[sudaname]

Wheresmispecs


..'Its the pointless exercise of power that causes the resentment'

l agree

l am in my fifties now and l can still get angry at my control freak mother for all those teenage years when she made me stay in and babysit my younger siblings while her and dad went out every single Friday and Saturday night from when l was 12 or so up to age 16.
Then whilst l was sat there stewing about 15 mins after they had gone out my spinster aunt (perfectly capable of looking after my younger siblings and often did) would walk in and 'keep me company' till mum and dad came home - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Spot the deliberate mistake

[PuppyMonkey]

Wonder will the dd accidentally drop one of those very tricky to negotiate shopping bags. Takes years of training to manoeuvre those suckers properly.

[Viviennemary]

Interesting post Sudaname. I was furious when I was a child for not being allowed a bicycle or horse riding lessons. But I knew my parents thought these things were dangerous so kind of accepted this in my fury. When parents are being selfish or unreasonable I think that's different.

[sudaname]

Yes that's right , well done to those who got the correct answer :


Why not just fucking let my aunt babysit!

A. Because my mother just didnt want me to go out basically.

I'm not bitter though after all these years l am really.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

Unless you are disabled/unwell you should be able to do the shopping on your own.

YABU to make her come with you. I agree that children of her age should do chores. But making her go shopping with you on a Sunday is just mean spirited. Especially since she would have been disappointed earlier when her plans didn't work out.

[Tabliope]

Like others said a better offer came along and as an adult I would have jumped at it so I don't see why your daughter would have gone along happily to do shopping - it's not like you'd promised to see grand parents or were letting someone down it was putting away shopping. You have to live life flexibly. You could have left a bit for her to do if it was so important she do it though why she couldn't just do another job I don't know.

I have a teen and like a few other haven't had many problems - why? because there are few rules. He doesn't have set paid jobs round the house. He does want I ask him to do cheerfully - make lunch, help with dinner, put clothes away, put rubbish out, cut grass - and in return I bung him the odd £20 when he goes out. I think the trick is to be flexible. Living in a rigid household where you're under someone else's "rules" is unpleasant and tbh I couldn't get away from a home like that when I was a kid. I made a couple of mistakes like this when my DS changed from being a young child to a pre teen and quickly realised we'd be locking heads a lot if I didn't rethink my approach. I did and it worked.

[NettoSuperstar]

YABU.
I am disabled, and needed DD to come shopping with me today, however she was out with her friends, and having fun, so I changed my plans so we didn't have to go.
I minimise what she does, and to make your DD do it for the hell of it seems mean and a recipe for disaster.

[Numberlock]

Puppy or pack the bread and eggs under the tins...

[OhTheConfusion]

Life is all about compromise.

I have just done the supermarket shop with DC3(1), it is bank holiday weekend here too and DC1 & 2 are off with their grandparents, DH is working and it needed doing... I don't see it as a 'mummy job'. I was available and it needed doing.

DS (10) and DD(8) get paid for doing small chores, but this happens at the end of the week after the tasks have been done. If they come to the supermarket it's to put what they like in the trolly, not because thay are being paid.

[Tuttutitlookslikerain]

I agree with you Sudaname.

My parents had a very active social life, they'd have days out places that suited them during the school holidays, while I was expected to stay in to do house chores like laundry, cleaning and cooking. Somehow my sister got away without doing it and my brother didn't have to because he is male!.

I still resent them for all those wasted years. I don't think children should get away with doing nothing, but they should be having fun, they should be having days out with their mates. Yes they should do their rooms, help cook, etc, but being dragged round a supermarket on a Sunday afternoon is not really necessary is it?

I am a firm believer that as the dynamics of the family change we have to make reasonable adjustments to suit those dynamics. I can't do a supermarket shop on my own. My DC are in GCSE and A level years, DH works long hours, so it is online shopping for us. We, for now all pitch in and manage without a cleaner. Next year, DS1 will be moving out, DH is being deployed, so I shall have to employ a cleaner because it won't be fair of me to expect DS2 to give up his social time to do the chores round the house that the others do and that I can't.

[Groovee]

You shouldn't pay her for jobs in advance. She'll soon learn that she won't get paid until she has done the jobs.

My 12 year old tells me I'm much stricter than other parents but we have rules and she has to follow them. Most of the time she is fine.

She was told at 12pm that if she goes out then she's to be home by 4.30pm. Her friends came in for her at 4pm and her first comment was I'll be back in 30 minutes.

[NowThenNowThen]

YANBU. You asked her for help before her friend had rung. And FWIW, we live bleddy miles from the shops, and a weeks shopping for 4 people is a lot to carry alone.
(I have an old lady bag on wheels!)

She is a child, yes, but she is also an older child, and it won't hurt her to have some responsibility for the running of the household. She could be out of the house and on her own in a few years. It's no wonder that so many young people have no clue how about how to do everyday things when their parents mollycoddle them.

She can go off with her friend after, surely?