Is this unfair of me?

[rhondajean]

I told dd1 she could arrange to have a friend over or do something this afternoon(shes 12) but when she phoned yesterday everyone was busy.

W need food shopping today. DH is working and she helps me pack/load/unload the car when he is. As she wasn't busy, I've had a slow start to the day and am about to get lunch then get ready to go out for it with her and dd2 who was 8 last week.

Her friends just called on her way home and wants her to go out in half an hour. I said no, sorry, unfortunately what we have now arranged to do doesn't fit in with her friends changed plans.

She is furious. I've had the whole lot - she is caged in and never has anything to do, etc, etc, dd2 can help carry the shopping (she does but she's 8!) blah blah blah.

I'm wondering if I'm wrong saying she can't go - she knew we had to go shopping and wasn't in a rush until the phone call. I pointed out to her she eats more than as much as the rest of us so it's not unfair to ask her to help get the food. She's said she just won't eat this week then! Am tempted to take her up - think of the saving

I would have gone this morning if she had told me she had plans...am I now being unfair?

[rhondajean]

Right - sorry to disappoint but firstly, we are just back from shopping where she has been perfectly behaved, helped with the shopping, model child. Despite everyone's dire predictions she's actually realised that she had a commitment to do something and now she's done it and cost me a fortune she's feeling quite pleased with herself.

She's phoned friend who said to go round in half an hour - and friend is still not home from what she was doing earlier. So if I hadn't made her do what she was supposed to, she would have been sat for three hours waiting for a phone call.

I'm glad a lot of you find not having clear rules works - I always feel especially after reading threads on here we are all just trying to do the best we can - but so far at least I haven't found it helps here.


However, taking advice from you, I am about to tell her we are no longer paying her for chores and that in future shopping happens at 10 am Sunday morning come hell or high water . I'll let you know how it goes.

[NowThenNowThen]

Is it usual? I don't care!

[rhondajean]

Sorry - seriously, I should acknowledge paying in advance isn't a great idea, it was a one off because we were going to Glasgow and I knew there are shops there she could buy clothes she likes in, so didn't see the point trailing her round there with only fifteen quid to her name.

My mistake.

[rhondajean]

Mikados be ok usual?

[Tuttutitlookslikerain]

Just because I picked my battles doesn't mean my teenagers were disrespectful and didn't come in on time.

Although coming in times were open to negotiation,depending on where they were going.

I agree Usual. My teenagers are very respectful and to date, haven't rebelled. That can't be said about our neighbour's daughter who was ruled with a rod of iron, now she is nearly 16 they have no idea what to do with her!

[GoingBlankAgain]

Haven't read all the thread, but if you get stuff which has a short shelf life then call the company and they will refund the money. I've had no trouble with asda or ocado doing this. Apologies if this has already been suggested.

[NowThenNowThen]

See, all you YABUS?? It was fine! I reckon a lot of people are a bit scared of not being a cool fun parent, and their children not liking them for a few hours.

And.....life's not fair!

[LadyBeagleEyes]

I still think she was BU NowThen.
But I would give you the award for the smuggest post.
You forgot to say Nernerner.

[rhondajean]

Going - thanks - I had never thought of doing that, just grumbled and binned. Ocado sadly do not deliver here. I might give sainsbos a go (didn't like tescos at all).

[Tuttutitlookslikerain]

My children have turned out OK too. They are the ones who,hold the doors open for the teachers, help their friend's parents clear up at parties, their manners are commented on by others, and are very well behaved.

Just because I didn't think the world would fall in if they went out of a Sunday afternoon rather than went to Tesco didn't mean I let them run amok for the hell of it!

[rhondajean]

Can I say - and maybe I should start amother thread - I was also ruled with a rod of iron and I seriously don't want to do that.

The values I do want to install-

Reliability and dependability - if you say you are doing something, do it
Good manners - don't be rude
A work ethic
The ability to look after themselves and other people
Generosity of spirit (and I know with this one I am doing fine)
A sense of justice and sticking up for those in trouble (again this one def ok)

[NowThenNowThen]

Ner ner na ner ner!

[NowThenNowThen]

Neither do I usual. Just to contribute to the running of it. Jesus.

[NowThenNowThen]

[Tuttutitlookslikerain]

Rhonda I agree with your values, but may I add flexibility? There will be times that you will want her to change her plans at the last minute to help you,or your DH or her sister, so perhaps occasionally in examples such as today you could let her go off with her friends? The last thing you want is to breed resentment. Compromise can often be had, sometimes, Infact most of the time, small battles like the one today just aren't worth having.

It is all fine today, but it might not have been. You could have ended up with a sullen, sulky miserable teen all over a trip to Tesco. It's not worth it in my opinion.

[rhondajean]

Noted tut. That's the kind of advice I was hoping for.

[JeezyOrangePips]

Can I ask op, if a friend of yours came over would you be so inflexible to say they couldn't stay as you were going shopping? Or would you change your plans and go a little later?

[chocoluvva]

The compromise/flexibility thing is so difficult in my experience.
Since DD turned 15 I have actively tried to compromise with things like how late she's allowed to stay out, how often she gets to see her boyfriend etc. Unfortunately though, she doesn't seem to think this is reasonable - she thinks if she's made a plan I should have no say whatsoever! Ooh - 'tis a nightmare!
However a "sullen, sulky miserable teen all over Tesco" is not a reason to cave in. Giving in to avoid bad behaviour will teach your teen that they can manipulate you into letting them do things you're not really happy with.

Bonnieslilsister, my DD was doing 2 hours of things she needed to do for school/hobby - not housework and it was instead of doing 1 hour each day. I am regularly complimented on the fact that my DD is well-mannered and nice.

[rhondajean]

Unless they were in a real state about something, ie if they had jsut dropped in on a whim, yes I would ( and have ) told them I was going out.

I totally agree about not giving in to bad behaviour - however I actually do bend over backwards to help her out when she behaves reasonably. She's made arrangements for pictures and lunch in town tomorrow, she's sat watching suburgatory and guess what - she's jsut asked for that tenner